tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59492646738074501932024-03-18T20:26:47.551-07:00OoohStephanie ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.comBlogger157125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-49616284218876772922020-03-24T10:11:00.001-07:002020-03-24T10:11:07.254-07:00Ten ways to stay sane during the shelter in place. <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Unless you are Jared Leto and
have been mediating in the desert for the past month, you are fully aware of
the Corona virus pandemic sweeping the globe right now. Many of us are working
from home (or not working at all) and nearly all of us are in a shelter in
place situation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">With no exact end date in
sight, and only so much Netflix to go around, what are you supposed to do while
being stuck in your home for weeks? After you’ve cleaned and done the laundry,
things will start to get a little bleak so I’ve composed a list of some things
to help pass the time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Organize
EVERYTHING. Make that shit alphabetical. Group things by color. Arrange it by
genre or origin. I’m talking records, spices, your closet, sock drawer, even your
freaking tampons. Go from light to heavy flow. Marie Kondo will wish she had
her period!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Turn your home into
a spa. No, I am not suggesting you cut your own bangs (have you learned nothing
at all from your pre-teen years?!), but rather now is the time to treat yo
self. Throw on a face mask. Give yourself a mani/pedi. Use up all your bath
bombs. If you’re feeling crazy, put on a face mask in the bath! You choose your
own adventure, girl. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Pour a different
glass of wine in each room of your house, and go on a wine tasting tour. Your
living room can be France. Your kitchen, Italy. You can end in your bedroom
with a nice box of “white” and be back in college at a frat party minus the
walk of shame. Let your booze and your imagination take you away from all of
this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Make a list of
all the reasons your ex is in fact your ex, and read it over and over every day
and especially after each wine tour. You’re alone, but you aren’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> lonely. If you’re married or linked
up, make a list of all the things you love about your partner to read repeatedly
after spending multiple weeks in a row with them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Face time, Skype,
Zoom, Etc. it up with your friends and family. It’s important to retain some
form of human contact so you are at least motivated to shower once or twice
during this isolation. Eventually even you will get to a point where you’re embarrassed
to be seen by anyone other than your cat so video chat with someone you know will
judge you a little bit. May I suggest calling your mom who (if she is anything
like mine) will most likely tell you to put on a little lipstick in case you’re
rushed to the hospital, and the Dr. is cute and single.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Exercise. You’re
going to have to do something to counter all those doomsday snacks you hoarded
and inhaled in two days so no time like the present to work on that summer
body. Do that intense ab work out that makes you fart. No one is around to hear
your symphony. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do burpees until you puke.
No one will see you turning green. For every time you put on a make-up to impress
the cute trainer at your gym, this is your moment to actually look as
disgusting working out as you deserve. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Hate exercising? Why
not dance like nobody is watching because nobody is! Put on your guiltiest sounding
pleasure, shut the blinds, and have it like you’re Napoleon Dynamite before the
school election. Bonus fun if you have some moonboots to throw on. If not,
shake what your momma gave you in your underwear because only you will be
around to see it jiggle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Two words:
YouTube tutorials. Want to know how to do the perfect smoky eye? Always wondered
how girls have the perfect pair of ripped jeans? Now is your time to shine or
fail miserably while killing a few hours. Don’t stop at beauty or fashion. By
the end of this you can be performing oil changes and emergency tracheostomies.
The possibilities are endless. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 158.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Take a nap. No
seriously. When was the last time you got the recommended 8 hours of sleep that
didn’t include attempting to snooze off a regrettable Saturday night out? Maybe
JUST MAYBE those bags under our eyes aren’t actually hereditary, and we have
all just been tired since we were 16. I, for one, would like to experiment with
anything that may help me look more youthful as we all know the Botox clinics
will also be closed during this lockdown. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">
Plan all the fun. Keep a running list of each and every thing you’ve always
wanted to do but never got around to doing. When this all blows over, treat it
like a second chance to live your best life. Get that regrettable tattoo. Jump
out of a plane. Go swim with the dolphins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just please, don’t text your ex. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-62130317172304832262019-12-27T09:12:00.002-08:002019-12-27T09:12:22.991-08:00One and done.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">If you are single and in your
30s, you’ve inevitably gone on a decent amount of dates. So many dates. Copious
amounts of dates. No seriously, how did you find the time to do anything else?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Some were good. Some were
bad. Most were awkward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">One thing I have realized after
becoming a seasoned pro (and I use that term loosely) is that you will begin to
notice a pattern.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">On most dates, after the
initial “What do you do’s” and “Where are you from’s” you will know you aren’t
interested. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often you realize it five
minutes after you show up. Sometimes it’s not until they mention their ex-girlfriend
no less than a dozen times that it hits you. However if you’re really lucky and
the waste my time stars align, it can even happen as fast as you’re shaking
their hand thinking, “There is no way I will ever let your penis in or around my
vagina.“<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">On one occasion that feeling
was so strong I wouldn’t have even had sex with them with a stranger’s vagina.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">But now what?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You have committed to a full
meal or spending the better portion of your evening with this person while you’re
more sexually attracted to a pineapple because at least that shit came from
somewhere interesting and not Naperville.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">One of two things usually
happens next: either you try to make the best of a bad situation and engage in
meaningless conversation all the while pushing food around on your plate as you
count down the minutes until you “have to wake up early for work tomorrow,” or
you accidently get hammered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Let’s be real, option “B”
happens more than you’d like to admit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">As you are passing the time
through free cocktails, you will become a little loose. Perhaps you judged this
person too quickly. They are kind of funny. Maybe even cute too? He does kind
of look like he may be related to Bradley Cooper. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Spoiler alert: He does not in
fact even look like a distant cousin twice removed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">It’s been several hours and
multiple cocktails so you are now drunk and finding this person to be far more
charming than they actually are, and before you <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">know it, you’re making out in
a dim lit booth at a bar you can now never show your face in again. RIP your
favorite spot for fancy libations. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You wake up the next morning
to a barrage of texts saying how much fun they had and how much they would like
to see you again, meanwhile all you’d like to do is wash your mouth out (OR
WORSE depending how loose you actually got) with bleach. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You’ve done it again. Will
you ever learn? Did that trip to Cabo sophomore year turn you off of tequila forever?
Of course not!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">But wait! Here comes the
choose your own adventure part of this sad tale. Do you A: Ghost them and hope
you never run into them again (which you will, on every dating app for
enternity). B: Explain that you consumed enough alcohol to make him or any
living human being attractive, or C: Take my advice and go for the “One and
Done” approach in the future.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">After too many of option “A”
and a lot of painful “B” conversations, I implemented a system that seems to be
fool proof so far. Before the date, I explain to the gentleman or fuck boy
(TBD) that I have a rule where we can meet up for one cocktail and one cocktail
only. It doesn’t matter if we are having the greatest night of our lives, we
finish our glass and bid farewell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You must be asking, if you’re
having a great time, why would you end the date early?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s simple. How many times have you felt
like you two were having a great time only to never hear from him again? I know
this topic has confused the masses of my girlfriends. I attribute it to not
wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings so you make the most of a boring situation.
Everything is more fun with alcohol, after all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">With the one and done
approach, there is literally no pressure. You get to down your beverage and
head on your merry way. Don’t like each other? No harm no foul. You two hit it
off? Great! Go ahead and schedule that full blown meal you will actually want
to eat, and if you never hear from them again, at least you only wasted a half
an hour and not a full evening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Think of all the time you’ll
save. Sign up for that yoga class you’ve been putting off. Go smell another
dozen candles at Target. Book that vacation you’ve been meaning to take. Who
knows? Maybe you’ll even meet your soulmate while on you’re on it…just make
sure you only have one drink so you end up with “the one” and not the one with
the pitcher of Margaritas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-1472347334691734342018-05-03T19:59:00.002-07:002018-05-03T19:59:23.463-07:0050 Worst Dates<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I have always thought living
in a major city while being single couldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Seemingly,
there is an endless supply of eligible bachelors, and you can swipe until your
fingers bleed without running out of guys to talk to daily. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">However, after years of
playing the dating game, I began to notice a pattern. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Never-ending exchanges of, ‘what
do you do’s and ‘where are you from’s before fizzling out into nothing more
than a collection of dusty matches on your Tinder shelf. The excitement seemed
to be lost by the third or fourth mundane exchange when one of you stopped
responding. What was the point of it all if neither of you were going to move
any further?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I decided enough was
enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had wasted too much time
having bullshit conversations that went nowhere so if we matched we were hanging
out, and it didn’t matter if you were my ideal type or if Ok Cupid thinks we
are only 67 percent compatible. If we flirted long enough to exchange numbers
in bar, we were going on a date or having a drink. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Basically, as long as I found you attractive
and you didn’t ask for nudes, I was willing to give it a shot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">What was the worst that could
happen? I get a bunch of free cocktails? I find the love of my life? I get
murdered and worn as a suit? The possibilities seemed endless! But for the
first time, at least they were exciting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">What started out as an
optimistic experiment turned into a slap stick Romantic Comedy, but *<b>spoiler
alert</b>*Drew Barrymore didn’t get swept off her feet daily in this film. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I decided to keep notes after
each failed attempt, and well, eventually I found myself 50 dates deep with
nothing to show forth but this blog so I guess it wasn’t a total loss…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">50 Worst Dates.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Has hair
system (aka a toupee glued to his head). Complains about women false
advertising in their pictures.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Has six
roommates. Is 35.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Asks if I want
to see a picture of his dog. Shows me a picture of his penis instead.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Suggests we
go to a fancy cocktail bar. Drills bartender relentlessly as to why they don't
have High Life.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Shows up
hammered to date. It’s 7 pm on a Tuesday.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Declares
himself a "sociopath" but “in a good way.”</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Profile says
5'11". Is 5'6" (in heels). Wines about my recent haircut not being
the same as my pictures.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Talks about
how much I remind him of his ex. "That worthless bitch."</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Brings his
buddy on date to confirm I am not crazy.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Profile picture
is a gym selfie. Shows up looking like he ate his former self. </span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Suggests
(based on venue) I dress to the 9s. Shows up in (mystery) stained sweatpants. </span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Asks me how
I feel about kids because he wants "a solid dozen."</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Tells me if
I ever want any kind of commitment from him, I would have to have three or
foursomes. Girls only.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Asks me if I
want to "get outta here" aka head back to his place during the
appetizer.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Broke up
with his girlfriend of two years on Tuesday. Felt it was time to get back out
there, on Friday.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Orders a
round of shots. When I explain I work in the morning and can't do any shots, he
does both. Orders two more.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Refers to
himself in the third person multiple times.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Tries to
convince me during dinner that humans only need to eat once a day, and I was
being gluttonous by having my *gasp* third meal that day.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Talks about
his summer home and how he can’t wait to take me there. (It’s December.) Ends
same conversation with he’s “not looking for anything serious.”</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Asks me if I
keep everything groomed as nice as my eyebrows.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Tells the
waitress since I have a leather handbag I can afford to cover the bill.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Orders
dessert to share, tells me I am allowed two bites so I don’t let myself go.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Asks me about
my family. I mention I have a sister. Asks me if she’s hot. More than once.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Flirts with
hostess. And waitress. And girls at next table. Claims he is just friendly as
he passes out his business card to only females skipping their male company.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Tells me I
have beautiful breasts and he would like to paint them “Titanic style.”</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Kisses me on
the cheek each time he gets up to use the bathroom, which is seven times in two
hours. Each kiss gets longer.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Talks about
his love of hunting. Casually mentions how it would be fun if he could hunt
people.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Continues on
about how much his mom loved his ex, and how she would never ever accept me.
EVER.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Asks me if I
want to try out a fancy new Italian restaurant. It was Olive Garden, and I was
overdressed.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Tells me I
look really good naked because he has been undressing me in his mind all night,
and he can tell.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Puts bar’s
salt shaker in his pocket because his has been missing.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Suggests we
go get matching tattoos because he knows I am the one, ten minutes into our
first date.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Informs me
he scoured my blog but couldn’t find any information on my stance regarding
anal. Precedes to ask me my stance.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Asks me to
cover the bill because he’s saving up for a PlayStation 4.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">After dinner
suggests we go get ice-cream so he can “watch me eat it.”</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">During a
good night kiss, he pulls away to tell me I am good kisser...just like his
girlfriend.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Asks me how
I feel about recreational drug use. Confirms he smokes “a little meth.”</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Interrogates
me regarding how many men I have slept with because anything more than five for
a woman is “disgusting.”</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Inquiries
about what his chances are of seeing “dat ass” later.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Leaves the
waitress a seven percent tip because “a monkey could do her job.”</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">When I decline
the offer to go back to his place, he points out that he paid the tab SO (with
a nudge nudge wink wink).</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Has three
tattoos of girl’s names. All different.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Responds to a
Tinder message mid conversation (before we even order).</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Profile says
“entrepreneur.” Actually is unemployed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Gets up to
order our drinks. Watch him intensely smell a girl’s hair sitting at bar.</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Uses the
phrases “on fleek” and “swag” multiple times in conversation. Is 33.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Takes a
phone call for 15 minutes, at the table, during dinner, in a quiet restaurant. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Run into
(male) friend at bar. Introduce date to said friend. Date aggressively interrogates
me as to whether or not I had sex with said friend. In front of said friend.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Eats French
Fries one by one with a fork and knife by slicing them, very slowly, lengthwise.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">While
nervously playing with my ring, it falls to floor. He retrieves it from under
table and licks my leg on the way up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">What a time
to be alive!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-17454326341194643722017-11-13T08:56:00.001-08:002017-11-13T08:56:23.657-08:00The 12 Stages every girl goes through after a break up.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Whelp. It’s happened again. Another
relationship bit the bullet. Just when you got cocky and thought you could
slide through winter gaining weight and bingeing Netflix, instead you have to retire
your sweats and pretending you like going out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Don’t panic. You have been
here before and made it through virtually unscathed. Before you can get past
this split and move on there are a few things you’re probably going to do. It
won’t be pretty, but don’t be ashamed because you are not alone in your madness.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">These are the twelve stages
girls go through after a break-up…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Talk a lot of
shit.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I am talking copious amounts
of shit. It’s the shit talking Olympics, and you are going for the gold. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Get your girlfriends in on this.
Bring snacks. Think a book club where you all hated the book so much, you want to
throw it in a fire. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Just to clarify, I don’t
condone burning your ex alive, but reminding yourself of how many orgasms you
faked can’t hurt anything but his ego.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Eat your
feelings. <o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Sometimes the only thing to
comfort you is comfort food so dive straight into its arms, girl. You will have
plenty of time to cry into salads when you’re middle aged so shovel some deep
fried goodness into your pie hole, and cover it with ranch and cheese while
you’re at it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Get a revenge
body. <o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Sometimes you take solace in
a never-ending pasta bowl and other times you do the exact opposite and take
that aggression out at the gym. Go on, and replace sex with working out so you
become really hot and then people will want to have sex with you. It’s fool
proof.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Get rid of
everything he gave you or that reminds you of him.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Except that really cute
sweater that makes your boobs look great. Or that expensive handbag because hey,
you earned it for all those years of dealing with his bullshit. Ok maybe that necklace
can stay too, but that picture where you look kind of fat but he looks cute has
to go. Burn it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Fall down the
emo rabbit hole.</span></u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">After every break up I like
to play a little game called, “Listen to every depressing song in existence and
see how close I can come to killing myself without actually doing it.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I’m talking Bon Iver followed
by Dashboard Confessional sad here people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">No one really wins this game
per se, but I like to think of it as going to the dentist; It’s uncomfortable
and painful, but you have to suck it up and get it over with because you will
feel super refreshed after. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Also, you should floss. No
metaphor here, just a friendly reminder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Drastically
change your appearance.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You’re upset. Angry.
Confused. Irrational. Now seems like the perfect time to cut those bangs you spent
half your teenage years trying to grow out. In your bathroom. With dull kitchen
shears. Maybe pick up some boxed dye so you can really get the party started.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Bang someone
else.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I’m pretty sure Confucius
said, “The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no guarantee you won’t feel worse
after, but it’s really hard to think about how miserable you are when all the
blood is rushing to your lady parts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Become a
creep.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Have you ever stalked someone’s
social media so hard you end up back at your own profile? Nah, me neither, and
I surely couldn’t tell you his new girlfriend’s second grade teacher’s name either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Get the fuck
out of dodge.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Pack up your problems and
take them half way around the world. You’ll probably still be bummed, but being
sad on a beach with a tiny umbrella in your drink sure beats doing it on your
couch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">
<u>Retail therapy.<o:p></o:p></u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Go ahead, and treat yo’self
to some things you don’t need with money you don’t have to cheer yourself up.
Make sure whatever you buy is really tight or low cut so he knows what he’s
missing just in case you run into him in public, even though without fail, it
will be on the day you look like you’ve been hit by a truck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">
<u>Replace human contact with alcohol.<o:p></o:p></u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Who needs a significant other
when you have wine? And Vodka. And Whiskey. They can keep you warm at night
too. Plus, if you drink enough you will forget all about your shitty ex, as
well as where you put your phone, or how you got home. Meh, you win some, you
lose some.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">And finally, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">
<u>Begrudgingly re-activate your dating apps</u><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Who knows how many potential
bachelors you have missed out on while wasting your time with Captain Fuck Boy.
You should probably swipe through a thousand just to make sure it’s just as
terrible as when you left. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">At least there are always Ben
and Jerry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-27271338045345174682017-08-21T21:35:00.000-07:002017-08-21T21:35:24.752-07:00Where to take your awful Tinder date.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I have been doing some freelance writing for various websites so I haven't had a ton of time to write for fun. I am going to start posting some of them on here so you at least have something to read until I can get back into my shenanigans. Here is one I just wrote for Matador. Enjoy!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Despite your better
judgement, you begrudgingly made a Tinder profile. You swiped until your
fingers bled. You made a few matches and had a few awkward conversations. Just
when you were about to delete the app for the 7<sup>th</sup> time, the Tinder
stars aligned, and someone didn’t say anything too stupid. Next step, meeting
up to make sure you haven’t been cat-fished.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">But what does one do? Where
do you go? You don’t want to ruin the magic of having not received an
unsolicited dick pic by suggesting
the wrong place. Thank God you have me to take you away from that life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">If you’re anything like me,
you enjoy a good cocktail, and one of my favorite spots to consume fancy
beverages in peace is Billy Sunday in Logan Square. It’s quaint. It’s posh. It’s
dark (score for those week night meet ups when you’ve been up since six and
have enough baggage under your eyes to take a trip around the world). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Best of all, even if your
date sucks you can still get loaded off some of the tastiest mixed drinks in
Chicago without likely running into anyone you know. Plus, it’s located down
the street from another one of my favorite cocktail bars, Deadbolt, in case you
want to cut out early to meet up with friends without springing for another Uber.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I am more of a “Tell me
something terrible about yourself,” on the first date kind of girl, so I like
to keep things light. Dating seems like an interview for a job you’ll probably
quit in a week so why not try to keep each other from having a panic attack
during the interrogation process by doing something entertaining?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Since you’re already in Logan
Square, why not head over to Logan Hardware which is a non-douchey version of
other arcade bars in Chicago. They have pinball galore and numerous multi-player
games to show off your skills because if there is one thing the opposite sex
likes, it’s a getting their ass handed to them at Street Fighter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You could also hit up
Diversey Rock’n’Bowl or Waveland Bowl for some good old fashioned fun. Bowling
is always a nice option since it’s acceptable to do it drunk, and you can check
out their butt a lot without them noticing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Are you really smart or just
a dumbass who is full of useless information? Then why not hit up a Trivia
night? A really fun, non-pretentious one is “Geeks who Drink” at The Rocking
Horse. The questions aren’t as hard as some other trivia so you most likely
won’t embarrass yourself. I make no guarantees though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">If you are looking for a
little more commitment and are actually prepared to share a meal, don’t make it
too complicated. Italian will give you both garlic breath so forget about that
good night kiss, and sushi will leave you awkwardly trying to talk about
yourselves with a mouth full of rice. I mean seriously, has anyone ever looked
sexy shoveling rolls of fish into their face? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">My go-to dinner date spot is
Café’ Ba-Ba- in Lincoln Park for tapas as they are bite sized, and the menu is
extensive in case you have some ridiculous dietary restriction you don’t want
to scare your date off with just yet. Mentioning you are a gluten free vegan
who only eats organic while watching your macro intake will not get you laid…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Plus, as an added bonus, the
sangria menu is just as lengthy so you can have wine and get your daily dose of
vitamins. Two birds, people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">If it’s nice out, grab a bite
outside and pretend winter isn’t coming for the next 9 months. Honey Butter
Fried Chicken or The Orbit Room (both in Avondale) have great patios where it’s
easier to grab a seat than anything in Wicker Park. The General in Logan Square
has one out back that most people are unaware exists and tacos. Tuesdays they
are also half off if you are poor but still want to impress her. Play dumb when
you arrive. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Alright folks. You have
activities, food, and booze. I have given you all the tools for a success
Tinder date. All you have to do now is try not be a creep or be extra creepy if
they are into that…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-76727017713980925042017-07-12T19:57:00.001-07:002017-07-12T19:57:31.471-07:00Sorry I have been MIAHey friends, family, and random internet stalkers!<br />
<br />
Sorry I haven't been around for a few months, but I have been crazy busy with life, work, moving, etc.<br />
<br />
I am traveling for a bit this month, but when I come back, I will have some new blogs for you guys.<br />
<br />
I have been working on a few, but I never publish them until they seem just right.<br />
<br />
I have missed you.<br />
<br />
Stay tuned.<br />
<br />
XO<br />
<br />
Stephanieooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-1919213152297880022017-03-10T19:46:00.001-08:002017-03-11T09:03:30.414-08:00The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">If you are anything like me,
you enjoy a good cocktail.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">There are so many varieties
and endless reasons to consume them too. Brunch? Bloody Marys and Mimosas, of
course. Long day at work? Have a glass of wine. Celebrating an accomplishment?
Champagne, what else?! You put on pants today? You deserve a beer!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I never really thought twice
about having multiple cocktails on a Saturday night, (unless you count regretting
it numerous times Sunday morning) because that is just what people do; they go
out on the weekends, and they drink. No matter what your plans entail, alcohol
is always available and always delicious. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">I began to realize things were
getting a little Lindsay Lohan circa 2010 when Saturday nights turned into Sunday
Fundays which then became followed by, “Dear God it’s Monday already, and I
could really use a drink.” Soon after came margaritas accompanying Taco
Tuesday, and there was always a happy hour somewhere on Wednesday. Thursdays quickly
became the new Saturdays, and what was I supposed to do? Sit at home on a
Friday night?!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Chicago winters can be pretty
dismal, and I suddenly found myself out nearly every evening for no other
reason than sheer boredom. Although I am rarely the girl who gets wasted, I was
in fact, putting back several each night, and no matter how much I tried to
deny my new found hobby was becoming an issue, my morning headache and bank
account were there to remind me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I decided to scale it back,
but first, I was going to begin with a 30-day detox. Part of me wanted to befriend
my liver, and part of me wanted to see if I could actually do it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Rather than bore all of you with
the details of things I did to occupy my time (I may or may not have alphabetized
my collection of DVDs I should have just thrown in the fucking trash), I
thought I would share some insight as to what being sober entails in case you
wish to try it out for yourself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I like to refer to my temporary
detox as “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly,” and this is what I learned during
my month of sobriety…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><u><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Everything
is terrible if you’re not drinking.<o:p></o:p></span></u></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">On a recent night
out, a DJ went from Aerosmith's "Dude looks like a lady" to
"Twist and Shout." <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Drunk,
either one or both of those could have quite possibly been "my jam."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Sober, I considered
taking out a loan to buy the bar just to fire him.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You’re rich, bitch! <o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">How many times during a night
out did you discover a</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-size: 14.0pt;"> magic card of wonder in your pocket and use that piece
of plastic to buy everyone you have ever met a shot?</span><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Booze makes you forget you
have actual bills to pay, and you wake up Sunday morning feeling like you drunk
texted an ex. When you stop drinking, suddenly you have a ton of extra cash,
and you can finally use it to buy something other than a hangover.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You will be bored as fuck.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">About two days in to my
detox, I begin to wonder, “What do people who don’t drink actually do!?” Sure
you can go out to eat or catch a movie, but after a few nights of both, you
will need to get creative. Arcades, and Bowling, and Laser Tag, oh my! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your house will be spotless.
You may even exercise! Shit will get crazy! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 399.45pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Your patience will be
tested.<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Suddenly every drunk person
in your presence will become the worst person you have ever met. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Remember when you used to befriend
girls you met in the bathroom or listen to someone tell you the same story forty
seven times yet remain intrigued throughout each version? When you are sober you
will want to murder anyone who even tries to talk to you…or bumps into you…or
even looks in your direction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><u><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">You will
want to go home early.<o:p></o:p></span></u></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">There was a
time when the lights would come on during last call, and all I would feel is
sheer disappointment as I wasn’t ready to call it a night until the sun came up.
Well have you ever been to a 4 am bar, sober? Last weekend, I made that rookie
mistake. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">They say
giving up the devil’s juice will fill you with energy, but I promise that is
not true. Being annoyed with literally everyone and everything is exhausting,
and you will miss your bed almost as much as your beverage of choice.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><u><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">You will
lose weight.<o:p></o:p></span></u></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Everyone
knows alcohol is full of empty calories, but let’s be honest, that is not the
main thing shattering your skinny jeans. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">When you’re wasted,
you get hungry. When you get hungry, you eat; and what is there to eat at 4 am?
Mexican food and pizza. Plus, when you are drunk, you don’t ever actually get
full, you just get tired of eating. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sober,
you know better and just go to sleep rather than shame eat mystery street meat
outside the bar.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><u><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Everyone is
less attractive than you once thought. <o:p></o:p></span></u></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">We all know
beer goggles are a real thing, and Intoxicated-ville is just a stop on the way
to Pound town. Once you stop drinking, you will realize how shitty drunk people
actually look, and it will prevent you from wanting to have sex with any of
them. Being sober is great birth control. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><u><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Everybody
will think you are pregnant.<o:p></o:p></span></u></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">It doesn’t
matter if you’re already thin or even if you lost all that burrito weight; if
you aren’t throwing them back, everyone will assume you’re knocked up. You will
have to order decoy soda waters with lime over and over to ensure the bartender
hates you, and people won’t assume you’ve been hoeing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><u><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Nobody can
dance. <o:p></o:p></span></u></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Through my temporary
sobriety I have discovered rhythm is a relative term. When you are hammered, </span></span><span style="color: #232323; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">you think you could dance back
up for Shakira. Better yet, you are Shakira. Vodka and those hips don't lie,
girl. When you are the only one not drinking, you quickly realize people at the
bar are a little less Beyonce, and a little more Taylor Swift at the Grammy’s. </span><span style="color: #232323; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><u><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">You will
become a cheap date.<o:p></o:p></span></u></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">If you are
training for the drinking Olympics like I was, you develop quite a tolerance.
Once you take a little break and return to boozing, it’s like you are sipping
wine coolers back in your parents’ basement. Catching a buzz off one drink is
something I thought was about as possible as Ryan Gosling, ‘Hey Girl’ ing me
in real life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 14.0pt;">It won’t be
pretty. It won’t be easy. You may fantasize about killing your closest friends,
but in the end, only a few were harmed. Your insides will thank you, and really
all you missed out on was a couple regrettable decisions and several cases of
Gatorade.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-28552617988179653922017-01-26T18:16:00.000-08:002017-01-27T08:59:16.788-08:00Power Hungry Hungry Hippos<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">For the first time in my
adult life, most of my female friends, including myself, are currently single.
Many, once in long term relationships, have called it quits while others have
been steadily playing the dating game for years. Despite how we all ended up
here, one thing seems to remain the same; no one is particularly having a good
time. It’s like we are all living in a romantic comedy, but Ryan Gosling is not
playing the male lead, it’s (several years) too long, and no one is laughing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">When I get together with my
girlfriends, the stories we share make me lose faith in love and gain faith in
Xanax. A close friend of mine just ended it with a guy who would cry during sex
but wouldn’t shed a tear for anything else (including the death of his
childhood dog), and I recently went out with one who told me if it was ever
going to work out in the long run, I had to have threesomes. That’s right
ladies and gentleman; if I wanted any sort of commitment, I had to eat vagina
for breakfast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 271.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">What ever happened to boy
meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy actually calls girl, they date,
they laugh, they get it on, and they live happily ever after (at least for a
little while)? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">It seems dating has basically
become one giant game of Monopoly. It always sounds like a good idea and is
supposed to be a fun way to kill some time, but half way through you wonder why
you wanted to play in the first place; meanwhile someone is probably cheating
or completely controlling the board, and all you are trying to do is stay afloat
until your next turn. It leaves you exhausted, possibly broke, and someone usually
ends up pissed off and disheveled. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Everything has become way
more complicated than it should be; wait three days to call. Don’t text first
or back too soon to avoid seeming too eager. Show enough interest in someone so
they don’t get discouraged and look elsewhere, but don’t develop any actual
feelings or risk being shunned like a red headed step child. And even when you
meet someone you find interesting, you should probably keep your options open
in case something better comes along, but don’t get offended if someone doesn’t
think the sun shines out of solely your ass and is doing the same. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">It’s a power struggle, and it
seems the only way to succeed is to be the one who cares less because you can’t
get hurt if you never get invested. Was it Confucius who said, “(S)he who
becomes the object of desire in any relationship is the one who gives the least
amount of fucks?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Insert eye roll emoji here.*<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Can we all just get over
ourselves for a few minutes? It shouldn’t be this serious. If you like someone,
tell them. If you are thinking about them, text/call them. If you aren’t, quick
being a dick. Think they are sexy? Kiss their face. If you wouldn’t bang
them with someone else’s genitals, tell them (in a nicer way, ya savage). Stop
constantly trying to prove you don’t give a shit if you actually do, and stop
wasting other people’s valuable time if you don’t. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I know, obvious advice is
obvious, yet we are all still trying to be the girl with the most cake. I’m
just worried that if we don’t stop being a bunch of power hungry assholes, that cake
just may end up being cats.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><a href="https://theglasseyeproject.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/large.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://theglasseyeproject.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/large.gif" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-70771924709793269912016-05-21T17:06:00.002-07:002016-05-23T12:03:47.431-07:00How to Piss off a Chicagoan.<div class="MsoNormal">
My favorite past time is
traveling so I often wonder with each new city I visit if there are certain
rules and regulations, if you will, that the locals implement which would make
little to no sense to an outsider. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was recently told a good
way to piss people (especially the police) off in Austin is to jaywalk, even if
there isn’t a car for miles. Being from Chicago, I haven’t used a crosswalk in
20 years, and playing Frogger with local traffic is part of my daily routine. Remembering
to push the button and wait for the “walk” signal definitely took some
adjusting, but I am glad I was warned before I racked up several hundred
dollars in tickets.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Chicago is no exception. While
they may not be laws, we have our own quirks which may seem silly to everyone
else, but it’s just what we know/how we do things. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With that being said, here
are some surefire ways to piss off a Chicagoan…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Point out our accents.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While most of us don’t say
Chicaaaaaago like the old Saturday Night Live skits, after a few drinks, that
long “a” may sneak into a word or two. We know how horrible it is and don’t
need you to point it out to us. It already makes us want to gaaaaaaag so please
spare us your best Ditka impression.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Walk three people wide across
the bike path. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s a simple concept really;
If you want to take a nice leisurely walk along the beach, by all means get
your lake on, but do it on the actual sand, grass, or those wonderful concrete
elevated steps the city made to keep people like you from blocking the entire
path. Joggers and Bikers use it to get exercise without becoming road kill on a
city street, and many are hauling ass. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You wouldn’t casually stroll through
the middle of a busy intersection so use that same logic here, and stop being a
literal walking hazard. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Actually enjoy Malort.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a long standing
tradition here with out-of-towners, and it is to ruin their day by making them
take a shot of Malort. If you have never heard of it, Malort is a wormwood
liqueur that tastes nothing short of broken dreams and regret. It’s horrible,
and we live for something called “Malort face” which is the near vomit induced
look new victims make after one sip. If you are one of the few people to actually like the taste of Gypsy tears, you strip us of the pleasure in your painful initiation.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Compare us to New York.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While we both have
neighborhoods and skyscrapers, that’s about where the similarities end. Both cities
possess good and bad qualities, and one isn’t better than the other, just
different. Remember how your parents always compared you to your sibling? It’s kind
of like that, but with several million people doing the comparing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can like two kinds of
pizza, you guys.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Say you live in the city when
you in fact, reside in Naperville.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If someone from here asks you
where you live and you say, “Chicago,” you better be prepared to respond with a
specific neighborhood, not a suburb 45 minutes away. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stop trying to make Schaumburg
happen, it isn’t going to happen.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Honestly, there is no greater
way to piss off a true Chicagoan than to pose as one so if your favorite bar
shares a wall with a Petsmart or Chipotle, stop claiming to be one of us.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Call Chicago “Chi-Raq.”</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We know we have a gang/crime
problem, but people make it out to be much bigger than it actually is. Most of
the city is very safe, and if you aren’t looking for trouble, you probably won’t
find it. Do things happen? Of course. This is a major city, and you’d be hard
pressed to find any heavily populated city with zero crime. One Spike Lee movie,
and suddenly everyone thinks I put on my bullet proof vest to go to the corner
store. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just to clarify, the only
annoying article of clothing I ever need to put on before I leave the house is
pants.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Constantly talk shit about our
sports teams.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are aware the Cubs haven’t
won a World Series since the early 1900s (they are currently killing it though),
but that seems to be the only thing people focus on regarding our city’s
sports. Did you forget we have two baseball teams? Also, who remembers the
Bears in the 80s or the Bulls in the 90s? No matter what you say about LeBron
James, he will never be Michael Jordan, and you can’t take good ole number 23 or
the masterpiece that is “Space Jam” away from us.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you need more recent
examples, see exhibit Blackhawks who have won three of the last seven Stanley
Cups. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Put ketchup on your hot dog. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look, I get it. Ketchup is
delicious. If a condiment war broke out, I would enlist Team Ketchup all day,
but with that being said, I would treat it like a red-headed step child if you brought
it anywhere near my Chicago style hot dog. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sport peppers? Absolutely. Neon Green Relish? You
bet your ass, but Ketchup? Not within these city limits. It may seem silly, but
when it comes to our hot dogs, logic isn’t a priority…only mustard and celery
salt.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Use empty seats on public
transit to store your shit.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Did you do a little (or a lot
of) shopping on Michigan Avenue? Have a plethora of bags? Then call a fucking
Uber or hail one of our million cabs to avoid being the asshole who hogs up a
row of seats while the rest of us are forced to test our personal space
boundaries with dozens of strangers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Remind us that Kayne West is
from Chicago.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ever since Swift Gate 2009, out
of town friends and family love to tell us how Kayne West was born and raised
here. Thousands of famous people hail from Chicago, but every time Mr. Modestly
does or says something stupid, we get reminded he is one of our people. How
soon you guys forget Jeremy Piven and Vince Vaughn, The Cusacks, Walt Disney, Buddy
Guy, or Bill Fucking Murray. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, and you like boobs? You
can thank Hugh Hefner for paving the way with pictures of them, also from here.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Park in somebody’s “Dibs”
spot. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not only will you piss
someone off, you will probably come out to a mountain of snow where you clean
car once was. People do not fuck around when it comes to claiming the parking
spot they spent two hours digging out. If you aren’t from here and see anything
from lawn furniture to vacuums lining the streets during the winter, it’s best
to leave them where they lay or get stabbed. I’m kidding. Crime isn’t as bad as
they say, remember?<span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF4g5bc_K55bxhLEoaELIOsfzvbxe9ySEszm2-IRKERM6YCcrRscg3Asm8qZa24DffkFTEFOfjqFNdonN8bCw_KHP1Z61oJe8b98HQhQGEmeCcUXKQlLlQdrLwDRynKDD_p9cwP9xRhuYl/s1600/IMG_6591.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF4g5bc_K55bxhLEoaELIOsfzvbxe9ySEszm2-IRKERM6YCcrRscg3Asm8qZa24DffkFTEFOfjqFNdonN8bCw_KHP1Z61oJe8b98HQhQGEmeCcUXKQlLlQdrLwDRynKDD_p9cwP9xRhuYl/s400/IMG_6591.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_670364234"></span><span id="goog_670364235"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-52031932153105750772016-03-02T22:06:00.001-08:002016-03-02T22:06:05.365-08:00Drinking in your 20s vs. Drinking in your 30s<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Dear God, Allah, Jesus, or
anybody up there who is listening, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I solemnly swear to never
drink again if you can cure me of my current condition. I am obviously dying,
and I am positive without your help, nothing will ever make me feel better
again. I have tried every remedy known to man, but as the day drags on, my
condition is getting worse. I am afraid I am not going to make it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Send my parents my love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I know I have vowed to stop
drinking on numerous occasions in the past, but I assure you this time, no
truer words have ever been spoken. I even mean it more than last Sunday, and
the ones before that when I promised to give up the devil’s juice for good. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Please cleanse me of my
ailment, so I may begin feeding the homeless, fostering shelter dogs, and
working on a cure for cancer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you in advance,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>30 something year old
me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Dear God, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Please send pizza because I
spent my rent money on tequila shots. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re the best,
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>20 something year old me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">My bargaining with various
higher beings probably began shortly after my 30<sup>th</sup> birthday party
and has continued nearly every weekend since.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Although it is hard to pin
point the exact moment your body decides to turn on you, around 30 it takes
away one of your most prized and under-appreciated possessions…the ability to
drink all of the alcohol with little to no consequences. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">If you are still in your 20s,
enjoy it while you can because I promise, you will miss it when it’s gone…especially
on Day 2 of your hangover. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You could
blend up a Gatorade, Pedialyte, and Advil smoothie, and not even that could
save you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Go ahead and forget about
that “hair of the dog” shit too because the sheer thought of trying to cure
your hangover by drinking more alcohol will make you vomit, again. Oh, and in
case you were wondering how many times a person can throw up and not actually
die, the limit does not exist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Delayed recovery time isn’t
the only thing that drastically changes as you get older. Let us not forget
about...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Pre-gaming. In your 20s, this
is an ingenious plan to get drunker, faster, and for cheaper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In your 30s, this idea is stored in the part of
your memory with your crush on Freddie Prinze Jr.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have probably forgotten he even existed
up until this moment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Same is probably
true of purse flasks and Jagger bombs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I’d like to say by the time
you turn 30, shots become a thing of the past, but many wasted Sundays have
taught me otherwise. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, when you
are in your 20s you take shots in order to get wasted, and when you are in your
30s, you take them <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">because</i> you are
wasted. Intoxicated o’clock is the only time these evil fuckers seem like a
good idea. If only your sober self could tell your 2 am self to avoid them like
the plague, or worse, well liquor…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Remember your previous
excitement in your 20s when you “won” a free open bar party? Now older and
wiser, someone would have to pay me to attend one of those shit shows. If given
the option of drinking vodka out of a plastic bottle or my toilet, I may
“Orange is the New Black” it…as long as it’s Ketel One.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Also, if you’re anything like
me, your preferred type of alcohol in your 20s was “cold,” but in your 30s nothing
excites you more than craft beers and cocktails. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Maple Bacon Ale?! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Lavender infused egg foam
with honey comb Hibiscus leaves?! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Bring. It. On. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">If it has six or more
ingredients, I am all over it… just as long as I can drink it somewhere with
more chairs than there are people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Clubs? What are these things
you speak of? Are they similar to pre-gaming? I am not familiar…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Since turning 30, my favorite
drinking spot has become my couch. The guest list is exclusive, there’s no dress
code, and the wine selection is extensive. And who said there are no advantages
to aging?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-57595729593454764332016-03-02T22:04:00.000-08:002016-03-02T22:04:24.810-08:00Stop saying you live in Chicago if you are from the Suburbs.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I grew up in the Midwest in a
small suburb, and I always knew the minute I turned 18, I was going to move to
the city. I am of course referring to Chicago and not New York like some of
those ‘Hills’ bitches implied is the only one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I watched numerous friends go
away to college while I chose to attend one in the heart of downtown. Many
moved away in search of warmer weather or better opportunities, but I remained.
I toughed it out every winter (although the snowpocalype a few years back
really tested my patience), and I paid my bills through a series of less than
desirable jobs (one word: Wrigleyville). To this day, I still fall asleep to
the sweet symphony of sirens every night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Why would I want to leave? I
live somewhere where every year I get to go to the beach, ice skating, and
apple picking all in the same place. There is always something to do, including
a street or food festival nearly every weekend, and I can get just about
anything I need/desire delivered within an hour at time, day or night. Hellooooo
shitty pizza at 5 am! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Some of the most beautiful
architecture you will ever see is in Chicago, you can eat all of your feelings
via the most delicious pizza and hot dogs, and our Art Institute is rated the
best in the entire world (take that Louvre’!). Even George Lucas wants a piece
of that sweet museum pie when he builds his here in 2019.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I could literally go on and
on, but to summarize: Chicago is one of the greatest cities in the world. With
that being said, if you don’t reside directly in it, stop claiming it as your
own. I am talking to you Schaumburg and Naperville. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">If you live in the suburbs,
stop saying you are from Chicago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I have been living in the
city for over a decade, and I will tell you first hand, there is no greater way
to piss off a true Chicagoan than to say you are from Chicago when you live in
a suburb nearly an hour or more away. Calling it “Chi-Town” is a close second. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Call it “Chi-raq” and I will
punch you in your throat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I know many of you lighting
your torches at this very moment will argue, “It is just easier than saying, “I
live in (insert random shitty suburb here),” but if you have to pay a toll to
get the city, you clearly don’t live within it. Therefore, claiming you do is
about as authentic as Drake’s street cred.*<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">*(If you have been living
under a rock, google “Hotline Bling.” Yes, mom. I will show you how to use google
next week.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">See, there is a certain
amount of bullshit one must encounter when living in a major city regardless of
how amazing it is. If you do not experience these things, you don’t get to have
your cake and call it Chicago too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You don’t have to deal with
the fresh scent of urine on your morning commute, nor do you spend a decent
part of your day trying to distinguish between an actual crazy person and an
irate homeless person, and you sure as shit don’t have to worry someone will
call “Dibs” on the parking spot you spent hours shoveling out. Those of us that
live here feel like we earned the right to call this wonderfully crazy place
home so if your favorite bar is in a strip mall, stop claiming to be part of
our exquisite madness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-62174331003697025992015-12-03T23:01:00.002-08:002015-12-13T09:35:43.778-08:00Middle (wo) man.<div class="MsoNormal">
Amy Schumer recently posted half naked photo of herself on instagram igniting a wide range of responses
from my social media friends. Said photo
features Amy wearing nothing but her underwear, a pair of heels, and an awkward
look on her face while drinking coffee. The thing that separates <a href="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/11/30/15/2EEDD66300000578-3339528-Leading_the_way_Comedienne_Amy_Schumer_has_stripped_off_for_the_-a-1_1448897243495.jpg">this </a>photo
from a thousand other ‘Oops, you accidently caught me enjoying some Starbucks in
my Chonies’ photos happens to be her stomach, bearing a few fat rolls in plain
view.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I personally love Amy (/hate
her for living out my dream of making dick and fart jokes into a career), and I
thought the picture was stunning. Not only does she looks gorgeous, but I wish
her level of self esteem was taught right along with your ABCs. Personally, if
I were asked to take a picture while sitting in my underwear, I would call upon
the photo shop Gods and use a wide range of angles that would make MySpace
jealous.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While many called her brave
and congratulated her on her lack of fucks given others rated the photo a big
fat yawn claiming she is only very slightly overweight and not some new fat
girl role model picking up the pieces Lena Dunham dropped years ago.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Either way, the divide was
clear; some friends though she was promoting a realistic representation of
women while others thought she was a bit self-congratulatory on having a little
extra around her middle and being confident enough to show it off. (Then there
were my feminist friends who thought she should put some clothes on because a
woman is “so much more than her body,” but that’s a whole other blog, and I
have to work tomorrow…)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Basically, what from I
gathered, it seems Amy is not fat enough to be accepted by the fat girls, but
too fat to be accepted by the skinny ones. She is smack dab in this wonderful
range I like to call to home, which others may refer to as “average.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This got me thinking, where
does that leave us normal girls?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We don’t get blogs or shares
on Facebook or any representation really. There are runway models and plus
sized models, but none in the middle ground. There are millions of us who walk
the perfect line of bacon cheeseburgers and skinny jeans, but no one is depicting
our slight muffin tops or ability to look 3 months pregnant for extended
trimesters. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sure, there was a Dove
campaign years ago, but that came and went quicker than a Kardashian marriage.
Plus, those women were photographed from flattering angles in perfecting
lighting (not exactly the kind of picture you un-tag yourself from on Facebook
for sporting the fat arm)…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems all we get is a
constant state of confusion about whether to squeeze into the smaller size and
tell ourselves we will lose five pounds or buy the bigger size and pray we can
shrink it, but let’s be honest; we’ve been wishing that those five bastards away
since college, and the only things that ever shrink are the ones you go through
great lengths to keep from doing so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I realize Rome wasn’t built
in a day so it’s going to be awhile before all the different size variations of
women are going to be represented across widespread media, but until the world
catches up, for the love of God can someone just start making some Smediums and
Marges? <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-24005493311547214312015-10-02T06:31:00.000-07:002015-10-02T06:31:49.254-07:00My Six Reasons, Bitch.<!--EndFragment--><span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica;">Recently my Facebook feed
has been blowing up with an article titled, </span><a href="https://djndevin.wordpress.com/2015/09/28/6-reasons-my-husband-and-i-probably-wont-make-your-event-and-why-we-dont-want-you-to-take-it-personal/">“6 Reasons My Husband and I Probably Won’t Make It To Your Event, and Why We Don’t Want You To Take It Personal.” </a><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Despite my better judgment, I went ahead and read it.
I have friends with kids who constantly cancel plans (although not all my
parental friends are like this), so I thought maybe, just maybe, this would
share some insight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also once believed
Britney and Justin would be together forever so clearly I have been mistaken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Before I continue, I suggest you read the article so
you can pick up what I’m putting down…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I have to say without a doubt, this was the biggest,
condescending piece of shit I have ever read. This woman not only came across
as a pretentious asshole, but I actually found myself feeling sorry for her
husband who is apparently not allowed to leave the house without her permission
(or only after she has made sure his company isn’t questionable).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">If you are a parent, I am sure you found yourself
agreeing with many points of this article (as I have heard loud and clear on my
Facebook share of this post), but if you are childless like me, you probably thought
this woman sounded like a C U Next Tuesday. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I wanted her (along with those singing her praises) to
see how this article truly sounds from the other side. If you have kids, stop
and think about if it was your child’s first birthday, and the important people
in your life wrote a similar article about why they won’t be there/why you
shouldn’t get offended. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Can’t imagine it because your friends are decent human
beings? Let me help paint you that picture with my rebuttal aka…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">“6 Reasons I Probably Won’t Make It To Your Kid’s
Birthday Party/Other God Awful Event, and Why I Don’t Want You To Take It
Personal.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">1: I don't have kids!!! This one sounds too easy, and
I am sure people are sick of hearing it; but I feel like most need to! Especially
those with kids. If I wanted to be covered in spit up, snot, or other bodily
fluids that aren’t my own, I’d have children…or do porn. Or both! They both sound
equally as disgusting and horrifying to me although one is at least a paying
gig that would allow me to sleep in on the weekend. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">2: I am tired!!!! No, not like normal tired. I’m
talking the type of painstaking exhaustion where you fall asleep in your
burrito before you get to enjoy its cheesy goodness. Okay, it’s more so passing
out than falling asleep, but all those shots and dancing awkwardly to “my jam” really
took it out of me. Plus, there is all that working, traveling, and millions of other
things us single people manage to fill our days with sans reproducing. Crazy to
think, but we have jobs. AND hobbies! Some of us even exercise and shower
regularly; it’s insane! Don’t forget that whole peeing without an audience
thing…Either way, we find ways to fill the time, and we are tired too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">So please try to understand that your kid's party
starts at ten am, and sometimes I get home a few hours before that. If I come I
can almost guarantee there will be one more cranky little person throwing up on
your Pottery Barn couch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">3: I don’t have a dog sitter!!!! Of course you guys live
way out in the suburbs so it will be an all day affair with never-ending traffic
back to the city. I can't find anyone to let my dog out. I’m sorry, but I only
trust like TWO people to watch him, and they are either sleeping or dead since
they were out with me last night. While you were watching “Frozen” for the
2492874982734987th time, we were having yet another best night of our
lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While you apparently got yours out
in college, fun is still in our systems. Sorry, but not sorry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">4: I can attend, but my bed can’t so nine times out of
ten, I'm not going to come!!!! This may be a hard concept for normal,
functioning people to understand, and we have lost friendships/gained
psychologists over our union; but we are a team. Sure, we allow pillows and blankets
to join us in the bedroom as well, but we still respect each other’s individual
socialization. Nothing personal against you, but you just aren’t my pillow top
mattress, and neither of us are going to put ourselves in vertical situations
if we don’t have to!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">5: I actually do have a financial budget and
priorities!!!! Not to rain on your endless parade of birthday parties for your
multiple kids, but taking fabulous trips and sampling international cuisine
will probably hold a higher level of importance to me. I am sure you can cook
me a wonderful meal, pour me an adequate glass of wine, and play me smooth jazz
until the wee hours of the morning, but until you can do it on a private villa
in Italy, I’d rather not spend my hard earned single person salary on another
gift for your kid so he or she can play with the box it came in. I still love
him/her though =)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #10131b; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">6: I JUST DON’T WANT TO GO!!! I know it sounds harsh, and
I couldn’t possibly sound like a bigger bitch, but I would honestly prefer to do
anything other than attend your kid's little league game/birthday party/school
recital. I’m just being honest! I’d rather pay a visit to my dentist (for
endless root canals) while my gyno simultaneously removes her torture devices
from the freezer to violate me over giving up my Sunday morning. My bed and I
really still DO enjoy each other, and neither of us are going to apologize for
that. Sometimes we just want to be left the hell alone and relax, just the two
of us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-91498936066955157972015-08-13T22:35:00.000-07:002015-12-13T09:38:36.362-08:00To Threesome Or Not To Threesome?<div class="MsoNormal">
When a group of girl friends
get together there is bound to be a conversation or two about sex. Last weekend in particular there were many,
and the topic of the elusive threesome came up for the first time since
college.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A friend of mine was debating
whether or not she should partake in one for her boyfriend’s upcoming 30<sup>th</sup>
birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a few too many cocktails,
she was beginning to consider it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
claimed she “didn’t know what to get him,” and this was “all he really wanted”
so we suggested getting a new boyfriend. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I’m kidding, but we did all urge her that
while he may not enjoy Cubs tickets quite as much as having sex with two women
at once, they were the better option. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
least this way he would be the one disappointed and heartbroken instead of her
(a little Chicago humor for my local readers).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not going to judge those
who are into threesomes, ménage à trois, etc., but personally, I have always been under the impression that
watching your significant other bang another person right in front of you is
generally a bad idea. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then again, I get annoyed
when people want me to share my French fries…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose if you are bi-sexual
and don’t posses a jealous bone in your body then it’s an ideal arrangement, but
I’m guessing most men will have better luck finding Bigfoot than having their
girlfriends be this mythical creature.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sorry guys, but chances are she
is like most of us: an everyday, straight woman who is not interested in acting
out a real life porno. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I can turn
on the water works and initiate an Emmy winning performance when faced with the
possibility of a speeding ticket, but even I can’t pretend that vagina is my
favorite food. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We decided that since her
birthday was a couple weeks past his, she should propose the same request…a
precursor arrangement, if you will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Would her man be so eager to ask for a threesome if he had to reciprocate
the favor? “Oh you mean you don’t want to cup his balls while watching me put
my Pilates class to good use on someone else?” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shocker.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We joked that perhaps calling
his bluff was not the best option either because he may actually oblige.
Stranger things have happened, and you don’t want to play roulette when it
involves multiple penises. After all, that sounds like a lot of work and a
bunch of ice packs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We also suggested to our
friend that threesomes may be best left to drunken nights with strangers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If things get weird the next morning, at least
you have the option of treating the situation like any other one night stand
that didn’t end well…collect your belongings you deemed important enough to attempt
to locate, call an uber, and pray you never have to see them again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now when that person happens
to be your significant other, the Houdini plan of escape is no longer a viable
option. Keep in mind that uncomfortable feeling may stick around longer than
your usual shame shower that morning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Whether you decide to threesome
or not to threesome is on you, but before you do, you may want to ask yourself if
you are prepared to lie to your Grandma about why Johnny couldn’t make it for
Thanksgiving this year…<span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-55666239621062015682015-05-10T21:32:00.000-07:002015-05-10T21:32:56.229-07:00If you want a dad bod, and you think it's sexy…<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recently my entire Facebook
news feed has been blowing up with references to the “Dad Bod.” As much as I
hate stupid social media trends, I have previously mentioned the whole
“eyebrows on fleek” phenomenon (barf) so I couldn’t ignore something with a
little more substance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you missed the sudden
explosion of articles discussing “dad bods” and have no idea what I am talking
about, climb out from under that rock, and see exhibit Leonardo DiCaprio. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif1JfZn7EiPDzFaFOJthd_LuCWdOsqejyWHVWG8WPsyk0eO8CZTpziSV4KeqnNDyzOOWAhDbYXZM4PfDHqDsOrcvI57_WzyYcif6XZb1nWSmj5y0s5y4Eo1cnPqTa36-TXImKw_NWyD22p/s1600/Leo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="277" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif1JfZn7EiPDzFaFOJthd_LuCWdOsqejyWHVWG8WPsyk0eO8CZTpziSV4KeqnNDyzOOWAhDbYXZM4PfDHqDsOrcvI57_WzyYcif6XZb1nWSmj5y0s5y4Eo1cnPqTa36-TXImKw_NWyD22p/s400/Leo.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Feast your eyes on his bicep
less arms and man boobs. He is subtlety saying, “Why should I hit the gym when I
have a six pack right here in my fridge? Basically, the only thing he is
lifting is a piece of pizza to his face, and he gives zero fucks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are a plethora of
articles that are pro dad bods. Some women think we should embrace this trend because
if men have beer guts they may opt to be more accepting of our muffin tops. It
makes sense. I mean, I can’t expect you to be David Beckhman a la his Calvin
Klein ads if I am not a Victoria’s Secret model strutting down the runway in my
skivvies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For starters I would have to
grow about eight inches, and I am pretty sure even if I stopped eating and
moved directly into the gym, my actual bones would still weigh more than
Adriana Lima so who am I to judge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have also seen several articles
that say we should put a stop to it now. Women fuming that if you don’t accept a
“mom bod” then why should we embrace your dad version? You get to be fat while
we are still held to impossible beauty standards. Fuck no. If we have to do a
hundred thousand squats per week then you can get with an ab challenge once in
awhile. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Men seem pretty excited about
being able to get laid without having to exercise or take any pride in their
appearance, which I totally understand. If one day someone publishes an article
(leading to the next big trend) called, “How eating nothing but tacos and
Cadbury eggs will land you Ryan Gosling,” I’d be pretty stoked too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">However, pro or con dad bods,
there is a major flaw in the whole movement no one seems to be talking about…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Having a dad bod only works
for (people like) Leonardo DiCaprio because he is Leonardo fucking DiCapro, and
women will bang him regardless if he has breasts bigger than theirs or not. He
could literally grow an evil conjoined twin and women would fuck that little
bastard too. If you are driving a Pontiac and living in your mom’s basement
something tells me your dad bod won’t have the same affect on women. All you
men eager to embark on this trend may want to take that into consideration. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am a big advocate of doing
whatever makes you happy so if you want to eat pizza for breakfast, lunch, and
dinner then by all means get your $5 hot and ready on, just don’t expect to be
leaving the club with dozens of models like our boy, the great Gatsby unless
you have some of that wolf of Wall Street status.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-67332538169212439722015-03-26T07:54:00.000-07:002015-12-13T09:38:59.322-08:00Oh, the games you'll play!<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday I was having a
conversation with a male friend of mine regarding his current dating situation.
He was involved with a girl who was, according to him, “playing games.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some times she would want to
hang out every day for a week straight while others she would avoid him for
days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would say she didn’t want to
be exclusive, but she would get upset if he did so much as talk to another
girl.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As he went on about her being
hot and cold and the other ways she was messing with him, I began to think about all the games we as women actually play that men aren’t even involved in…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For starters there is the “I
better eat this entire bag of Oreos to get them out of the house” game because
if you eat them all, it’s like they never existed, right? Your taste buds may
win, but your ass will definitely lose this one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is usually followed by
the “I’ll start Monday” game. Which turns into the “Monday of next week”
game…then the “Wait, is New Year’s on a Monday” game?” You can participate in
this game up to 52 times a year, but may I suggest also playing the “get your
ass a gym membership” game as well before your jeans forfeit. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anybody else play the “Let’s
see how close I can come to killing myself with out actually doing it” game? You
know the one…when you're feeling down about something, you watch every sad movie
you can think of/ listen to the most depressing songs you can find on repeat in
order to make yourself feel the absolute worst you possibly can. If you have
every watched “The Fault in our Stars” while listening to The Smiths, you are
the champion.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every girl reading this has
played the “I lost my phone” game. The rules are simple, you must make everyone
in the bar search for it as you dump the entire contents of your purse
violently onto the floor while your phone is safely tucked in your pocket the
entire time. Bonus points can be earned for every individual person you have
call it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A closet full of clothes with
the tags still on them prove I play the “I need to buy this ridiculous article
of clothing just in case” game far too often. If you own a long ball gown in
case someone invites you to a black tie gala and a pair of khaki capri pants/top
siders just in case someone asks you to sail on their yacht near any of the New
England states, you are a viable competitor as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is also the “I need to
hang on to this because it may come back into style” game. We all started
playing this upon walking into an Urban Outfitters and seeing our wardrobe from
1998 in its entirety. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If Birkenstocks
and those damn jelly shoes that made your feet smell like a locker room are
back in style, nothing is off limits. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who could forget about the
“I’m not that drunk” game? The more often you say it, the better chance you
have of winning. And by winning, I mean waking up in your bathtub covered in
Mexican food.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How about the “One more
episode” game? Why did you start Netflixing at 10 pm on a Tuesday, you dumbass?
You might as well have smoked crack because the outcome will be the same. You
are addicted and will probably be losing your job and ending up on the street
in no time. There is a plus side to watching 200 episodes of Friends instead of
doing drugs though…you get to keep your teeth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Right now I am currently killing
it at the “Oops I ate one M&M therefore my whole day is ruined so I might
as well eat a large pizza and wash it down with a bottle of wine” game. I may
not be in first place tomorrow morning, but you know what they say…it’s not
whether you win or lose; it’s how you play the game.<span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-50499376808580108662015-03-04T23:26:00.000-08:002015-03-04T23:26:02.967-08:00Let's talk about sluts, baby.<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently a co-worker’s
daughter was confiding in me about her most recent one night stand. I say “most recent” because this was not the
first time she had slept with someone she barely knew (or met that evening). <o:p></o:p></div>
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Considering most of you
reading this are probably in your 20s or 30s, this is not breaking news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure a good percentage of you banged a
stranger last weekend and only reflected on it briefly while sneaking out of
their apartment, but what if I told you she was still in high school? Does that
make a difference?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if she was a
he?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would that affect your opinion of
this person? <o:p></o:p></div>
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This got me thinking… Is she
a slut?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What makes someone an actual
“slut” as opposed to just being called one as a term of endearment when being
greeted by your best friend?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Let’s start out by
exploring what the word means or in other words, lets talk about sluts, baby…<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sluts, skanks, whores,
tramps, ho-bags…there is no shortage on variations of the word, but regardless
of how extensive your vocabulary is, they are all essentially slang for the
same word: promiscuous. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The definition of
promiscuity is literally “<span style="color: #1a1a1a;">The practice of having casual sex frequently with
different partners or being indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners.”
The definition of the word slut is “</span><span style="color: #424242;">A term applied to an individual who
is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous.” By
definition, if you are going to sleep with lots of people then you are
promiscuous (aka a slut). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #424242;">So if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck then
it’s a slut just like if you are going to eat meat, you are a carnivore, right?
It should be that simple, but it’s not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>People hate to be labeled (unless they are vegan, a cross-fitter, or a
vegan cross-fitter) so generally even stating the obvious pisses people off.
When that label refers to you having loose (sexual) morals, you aren’t printing
up t-shirts baring it any time soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #424242;">But what actually makes someone a slut? Is the amount of
people you have had sex with? What if Jane has been with 15 men, but it was
over the course of 20 years where as Becky was a virgin, but she blew the
entire Patriots football team after the Super Bowl? Jane had meaningful
relationships with each of her numbers while Becky has lockjaw. Who would you
rather bring home to meet grandma and share stories around the Thanksgiving
table? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #424242;">Clearly, numbers don’t seem to be the end-all be-all here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #424242;">Perhaps a slut is defined solely by reputation. The more
people know about your sex life, they more likely they are to use the word to
describe you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s a mystery how many
times you have taken the train to pound town, the word may serve no purpose.
Like a proverbial tree in the forest falling, does a slut only make a sound if
people are around to hear it? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #424242;">Maybe being considered one is more circumstantial. What if
Jenny has only been with 8 guys her entire life, but they were all at once
during an alcohol induced spring break back in ‘05? What if Erin banged some
guy (whose name she couldn’t remember) in his car 20 minutes after she met him?
Is either one of these girls more of a slut than the others?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #424242;">How about if Jane and Becky were John and Brian? I’m
willing to bet this wouldn’t even be a discussion. Most would praise them for
their sexual conquests although I personally have met plenty of guys I wouldn’t
bang with a stranger’s vagina. I still refer to them as sluts, probably more
often than I have ever referred to a woman as one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #424242;">I once had a roommate whose bedroom had a revolving door.
When I referred to him as slutty one time, he said he wasn’t slutty but
“sexually promiscuous.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s like me
saying, “I’m not short. I’m vertically challenged.” Regardless of how you
choose to phrase it, we all know what you mean.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #424242;">If being called a slut offends you, you may want to ask
yourself why that is instead of leading a crusade on political correctness
regarding bedroom behavior. At the end of the day it’s just another word which will
only have as much power as you choose to let it. I say if the shoe fits, wear
that slutty sandal proudly or keep it in your pants. <span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-44555341126714481082015-01-26T08:36:00.000-08:002015-01-26T08:36:04.005-08:00Ri-dic-pic-ulous<div class="MsoNormal">
It was turning out to be a
perfect day. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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My morning meeting had been cancelled
leaving my afternoon completely open to grab a bite with my mom, and there are
few things in this world more glorious than a (screaming) child free brunch during
the work week. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy chugging cocktails on Sunday Funday
like I’m at a frat party, but sipping them without a standing audience giving
me the stink eye is nothing short of magical.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mom and I were chatting
about which member of our family is more insane when my phone alerted me that I
had a message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I figured it might be
work related so I reached down to check, hoping I wasn’t going to have to cut
my meal short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh thank God,” I thought,
“It’s just a message from (let’s go ahead and call him) John.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I went to click on the message
to respond that I was at brunch (and would call him after), I noticed it wasn’t
a text at all but rather a picture…an extremely close-up picture…of his erect
penis. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I damn near spit my Bloody
Mary directly into my mother’s face. Are you serious? It’s not even noon! Can’t
a girl enjoy her plate of bacon without a side of sausage?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now just to clarify, John and
I were not romantically involved nor had we ever been romantically involved. I had
never even been hammered and thought about touching his penis so what brought
upon this unprovoked sext?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I needed answers so, of
course, I showed the picture to any of my closest female friends willing to
look and asked how, if at all, I should respond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As it turns out, I was not the only one to
have their eyes physically violated lately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As a matter of fact, each of my friends had entire photo files which apparently
received new entries often.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sexting is not a new concept
by any means. Most women could dig up an old sidekick with a couple of pixelated
pictures of penises (say that five times fast), but they were most likely
collected for collateral…more of a “If my boobs end up online, I’m passing out
flyers of your limp dick, buddy” situation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, it seems if you are a single woman in
2015, you are probably receiving more pictures of wieners than Ulta coupons in
the mail.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a serious discussion about
the origin of the dick picture and it’s current standing in modern day society,
we came up with a few possible reasons as to what brought upon this sudden
surge of confidence in men…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps there was an article
in Maxim responsible for all these shots of balls before breakfast. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something along the lines of, “Give her what
she really wants this Valentine’s Day.” If women read Cosmo and are willing to
try awful sex tip #72615, there is a possibility men are eager to follow the
same shitty advice. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Could it be sending pictures
of your penis is the new way of saying, “Hey. I’ve been thinking about you,”
but in a more graphic/less romantic way?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe morning wood has replaced the good morning text, and us ladies
didn’t get the memo. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another possible reason may
just be some sort of guy logic pertaining to the whole situation. “If I send
her a picture of my dick, she will send me a picture of her boobs.” An eye for
an eye or a nude for a nude if you will. Guys, if this is your go to strategy,
google “supply and demand,” and be prepared to be disappointed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m thinking maybe there was
one girl who told the guy she was dating that sending a picture of your penis
to a female is the highest form of flattery. “Don’t bother telling her how
beautiful she is when you can show her via your raging boner.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m willing to bet she is the
same girl who started the “all girls love anal” rumor. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hey woman, shut up already.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whatever the case may be, unless
a female specifically asks you for one, you may want to hold off on sending her
a picture of your genitals…especially if she has not met
them in person. If you want everyone to become besties, the first encounter
should not be at an awkward angle in your dirty bathroom either. That shit is
just ri-dic-pic-ulous.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg6Aym5Y-Rfa-pFwKYWzXLfNgd3RByoiE49yVGPqsCBWLYeR08wmdUsCNtecgbMaRCdf9VkODSAYpjhXu9s-SzYJIvkEgKhfVxHqqo6OjMbRXrm82qicdF47jAv2ROyoVotYKMBU3lRAcy/s1600/sexting3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg6Aym5Y-Rfa-pFwKYWzXLfNgd3RByoiE49yVGPqsCBWLYeR08wmdUsCNtecgbMaRCdf9VkODSAYpjhXu9s-SzYJIvkEgKhfVxHqqo6OjMbRXrm82qicdF47jAv2ROyoVotYKMBU3lRAcy/s1600/sexting3.jpg" height="400" width="267" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-9757505356133027422015-01-04T10:29:00.001-08:002015-12-13T09:39:37.064-08:00New Year, new you. At least for a full week.<div class="MsoNormal">
It's a new year, and right about now we will all
begin our resolutions. The gym will be packed for several weeks until they are
broken, much like my hopes and dreams of being arm pit fat free…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every year on January first so
many of us vow to do or not do certain things anymore so I thought I would try
to make our goals and aspirations a bit more realistic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As my belated holiday gift to you, I present
some New Year’s Resolutions you may actually be able to keep…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In 2015, vow to get it on a
little more. Sex releases dopamine which is your body’s natural way of getting
happy, and happy people aren’t assholes so bang your significant other, bang
your neighbor, bang yourself! Just get busy, and stop being such a dick.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What is the number one
resolution of all time? Lose weight/eat better. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s be realistic here... I personally, have
already polished off a cheesecake left over from my New Year’s Party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> If you are anything like me, y</span>ou may want to start out small by consuming
more fruits and veggies so why not drink a Bloody Mary? It’s full of tomatoes and
celery. Wine = grapes. I also hear there is a potato in every beer. You’re
welcome.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you are anything like me,
you’ll dream all day about getting home so you can sleep but instead stay up
half the night falling down the YouTube rabbit hole. (I’ve seen some things, man. I’ve seen some things.) This year, vow to get more sleep and take more
naps so people stop asking you if you are getting sick <span style="font-family: "cambria";">(which we all know is code for, "Which hole
did you crawl out of this morning?") G</span>ood news though, passing out
still counts as sleep, technically.</div>
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Ladies, this year let’s vow
to shave our legs, even in the winter…or at least during the other 3 seasons…ok
fine, throughout summer only. Just when we are going to be wearing shorts or a
skirt. From the knee down. Fuck it. Wear more yoga pants. Ladies, this year
let’s wear more yoga pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now is the perfect time to
ditch everyone in your life that has become a pain in the ass. I don’t care if
you are 20 years old. Don’t bother waiting until you are 30, and you feel like
the emotional equivalent of a meth addict’s face. If they suck now, they will
suck in ten years…unless they actually suck in which case, fellas, maybe you
want to keep them around for that purpose.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another popular resolution is
“save more money.” How about we all agree to stop buying shit we don’t need
with money we don’t have unless it’s something really special because you
absolutely need a life size cut out of Daryl Dixon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If anyone tells you otherwise, you get rid of
that person because you don’t need that kind of negatively in your life, remember?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One thing a lot of us need to
stop doing is leaving our credit cards at bars. I know what you are thinking…perhaps “drinking less” should be the resolution here, but don’t be
ridiculous. How else am I going to get
my daily-recommended servings of fruit and vegetables? <span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-33790948679050466392014-11-18T10:37:00.001-08:002014-11-18T10:37:52.161-08:00All of the exes.<div class="MsoNormal">
Taylor Swift recently released a new video called “Blank
Space” in which she plays the crazy girlfriend/soon to be ex-girlfriend. If you
are a (not so closet) Taylor fan like I am, you have probably watched the video
a dozen times or sang along (terribly) in the shower.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love her or hate her, either way the video is
fantastic, and Miss Swift got me thinking about being an ex and what that
entails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once a relationship ends, you
can either be the bigger person and calmly move on or you could literally be
the bigger person and let yourself go, and everything in between. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On that note, I thought it would be fun to explore the types
of exes we all have, or have all been…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex who bangs all your friends.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While you two were together they couldn’t stand your friends,
and you wanted nothing more than for everyone to get along. Well, be careful
what you wish for because their genitals have now become besties, and you get
to hear all about it from everyone else.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex who got super hot.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During the duration of your relationship you two collected
enough pizza coupons to end world hunger so imagine your dismay when you broke
up and discovered they had become even better looking than when you two first
met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did she get new boobs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did he grow a beard? Yep, and they both got
personal trainers who they are probably banging. Suddenly you can no longer see
their flaws because you have become blinded by their hotness. Meanwhile, you
are probably …<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex who let themself go.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While your ex was hitting the gym, you were eating your feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although shacking up with Ben and Jerry was
comforting, neither one will fill the void of a penis in your vagina. Get your
ass to the gym, just make sure it’s not the same one your ex is frequenting or
you will risk becoming…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The stalker ex.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Isn’t it weird how they keep “accidently” showing up
everywhere you go? This ex <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>stalks your
social media so hard, they end up back at their own profile. Stop checking into
places and try to only post pictures where you look amazing and are surrounded
by good looking people of the opposite sex. Really, really, ridiculously, good
looking people.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex who has ruined a particular sexual act for you.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ladies, did you see God when he went down on you? Guys, did
she give you a blowjob so good you were wondering what the hell those things
you had before were called? If your bedroom hosted the Olympics, they would win
the bronze, silver, and gold. From here on out, it’s all a heaping pile of
garbage, but if you play your cards right, maybe they will become…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ideal ex.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Also known as the one you still get to bang but don’t have
to deal with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is little to no
conversation between you guys. In fact, the only thing you two exchange are
orgasms. You don’t even have to pretend to like each other, which is just
valuable wasted energy you could be using for sex.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex who marries the next person they date.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This ex was “never looking for anything serious,” but three
months after your break up they are engaged. You’re just like “Good Luck Chuck”
except you won’t get to bang anybody as good looking as Jessica Alba.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex who stays close with your family.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As if suffering through your second cousin’s baby shower
wasn’t bad enough, now you get to spend it with your ex because that fucker
befriended all of your relatives. If you are really lucky, you’ll get to hear all
about their engagement after they have lunch with your mom (who let’s be
honest, probably likes them better).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex on a bender.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This former homebody was actually in a relationship with
Netflix while you two were supposed to be dating, but as soon as you broke up, they
became the life of the party. Every. Single. Night. Funny, because you didn’t
know they allowed sweat pants in the club.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex you’re still friends with.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes two people can be totally wrong for each other but
come to the realization they still appreciate and love the other person as a
human being so they remain friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How
mature of you two huh? Keep in mind this ex can also be referred to as “the ex
that will piss off every future significant other until the end of time.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The crazy ex.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know people hate the word “crazy,” but let’s face it,
there is really only one word to describe the shit storm that ensues when you
two finally call it quits. There are the hateful texts, even angrier
voicemails, and the keeping hostage of your shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You probably never want to talk to this
person again, but you really miss your favorite sweatshirt. Don’t make a rookie
mistake, and get it back <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before</i> you
change your number.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The ex you hate with the fire of a thousand suns.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone has that one ex you hope would get hit with a
bus…you are driving. Maybe this person banged all your friends or perhaps they still
have your dog…either way, you hope they come down with one of the random scary
viruses all over the media. You aren’t picky, Ebola is fine. Bird flu will also
suffice. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The one that got away.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Tear* Perhaps this was your first love. Maybe it was bad
timing. For whatever reason, it never worked out according to plan, but you
will always look back on them fondly and wonder what could have been…just as
long as they didn’t let themselves go.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcBo1CbIvC9Vjwwib5H-l0Ft-TLGJSKUuJ1ccL6keSa072YnWBPjjDDdvLevB7lY4gF_gpYwGr87iN79NHqxW6Ssxck7y0Hw14b0LIBBwzP_TmyLw2dGJrGK0KUKfLjiWhHqGX80x2IVY5/s1600/hdhhd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcBo1CbIvC9Vjwwib5H-l0Ft-TLGJSKUuJ1ccL6keSa072YnWBPjjDDdvLevB7lY4gF_gpYwGr87iN79NHqxW6Ssxck7y0Hw14b0LIBBwzP_TmyLw2dGJrGK0KUKfLjiWhHqGX80x2IVY5/s1600/hdhhd.jpg" height="241" width="320" /></a></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-11812924145585309392014-10-30T07:49:00.000-07:002014-10-30T07:49:30.820-07:00Feminism Smeminism.<div class="MsoNormal">
Late at night when I can’t
sleep, I like to scour my favorite internet sites and read random articles
about life, sex, and however many reasons I should or shouldn’t do something.
However, recently I spend more time rolling my eyes than learning awful sex tip
number 86982301.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems lately every other
article is promoting feminism, and even though I am a woman, I can’t help but
think, <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">yawn*</span> is this is still a
thing? <o:p></o:p></div>
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Before you ladies start
lighting the torches, I am not talking about equality in the workforce. I am
aware women make 77 cents to every dollar men do, (which needs to change), but
not shaving your legs isn’t going to make that happen. Trust me. Every winter I go extended periods of time wearing high socks and avoiding human contact,
and I never once received a raise because of it. Refusing to wear tampons
because “menstruating is something that women shouldn't be ashamed of doing,”
isn’t going to prove a point either…unless that point is you like to ruin your
clothing and furniture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes people,
“Free Bleeding” is a thing; look it up, but not while you are eating. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Personally, I have never once
felt inferior to a man because I don’t even acknowledge that we are really that
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, some men are bigger or
stronger than I am, but so are some women. Personally, I know plenty at my gym who you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark alley, and plenty of men
whose asses I can kick. I've met numerous men who are more/less successful than
me, and the same goes for women. I’ve come across men who are smarter than I am,
and some men I just want to pet while saying, “So pretty.” I have just always
considered that a little thing called "life."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I came across an article
saying women who let a man pay for the date or pull out their chairs are “pathetic.”
Well call me Captain Pitiful because I believe in Chivalry. I also believe in
common fucking decency and holding a door open for anyone regardless of their
gender. If a man wants to buy me a drink, I will gladly accept it. Sure, I can
afford my own drinks, but I won’t get upset with a man for offering to buy me
one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a woman, dog, alien, or Sasquatch
offers me a cocktail, I will gladly accept that too because FREE BOOZE <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>people. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another article even tried to
tell me I wear make up because men have put pressure on me to look beautiful at
all times. Yeah, uh huh, that, or maybe I prefer people not telling me I look
tired which everyone knows is the nicest way of saying, “You look like shit.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Perhaps </span>I like tricking people into thinking I slept a
full 8 hours instead of watching “The Sandlot” for the 20 millionth time at 3
am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*On a side note, why is that movie
always on at obscure times? Get it together ABC Family!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I know someone, somewhere
is burning a bra and reading this in disgust, but you know what? I like my
bras.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are pretty, and lacy, and they
keep my boobs from punching me in the face. I have spent far too much of my
woman salary to set them on fire. If anything, I would like to burn Victoria for
charging so damn much for her secrets…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know what else? I also love
dresses, not because they were “created by a man to sexualize women” but
because fuck pants. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you ever felt a
warm summer breeze on your lady parts? Well it’s delightful.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wear heels because I am 5’
2,” and every now and then it’s nice to not huff armpit the entire night. I also love the idea of appearing to lose five
pounds without having to cry into salads for weeks. It never once crossed my mind
whether or not they were designed by a man. They had me at artificial slimming
effect.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I enjoy cooking and baking because
I love to eat, with no correlation to the stereotype that “a woman’s place is in
the kitchen.” If that is where the food is, that is exactly where I want to be.
Put a fridge in the attic, and that’s where you’ll find my ass.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also like Disney
films.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does that mean I am giving in to
the idea of women being “helpless victims who need a man to save them?” Fuck
no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like singing and cartoons.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone needs to relax.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you want to go to work
while your husband stays home with the kids, then do it. If you don’t want to
give into gender roles/stereotypes, then don’t, but if I want to cook dinner
for my future husband in a pair of high heels and nothing else, that’s my damn
prerogative. If you want to braid your armpit hair, that’s yours. However, I’m
willing to bet I end up with my happily ever after first, and you bet your ass
there will be a sweet song about it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-43829706833520130062014-09-17T07:18:00.000-07:002014-09-17T07:18:55.687-07:00The Worst Kind of People: Music Festival Edition<div class="MsoNormal">
This past weekend was Riot
Fest in Chicago which means music festival season is finally coming to a close.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like most summer concert
attendees, you probably feel equal parts sadness and relief that although you
can’t view 15 minutes of every band you have ever enjoyed all at once, you
won’t have to deal with the awful specimen of people sweating all over you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Daylong music fests draw in
people from all walks of life, but because my soul is filled to the core with
sass, I would like to focus on all of the worst people you will encounter at
every music festival. Some of these people are strangers while some you may
have brought with you, but regardless, they should all go play in traffic.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The “cool” parents. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Did they wake up this morning
and think, “Hey. You know what that loud, over crowded, smoky festival needs…my
children and all their shit.” You know what would have actually been cool?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hiring a sitter. Now take your double wide
stroller off my foot, and shove it up your ass.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your ex.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Aren’t you glad you
introduced him/her to all your favorite bands? Now you get to relive the magic
with them and their new significant other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You will lose everyone you came in with and never find them again, but
if one thing in life is certain, you will run into your ex every ten minutes for
the entire weekend.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Chatty Cathy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have endured days of
extreme weather, crowds, and vile porta potties just to hear that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">one</i> song, and when it finally gets
played, your friend just won’t shut the fuck up. You are literally just nodding
and singing along directly into their face, but they keep going on and on about
some ex or something.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Overactive bladder.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You will spend more time
waiting for this person in the never-ending bathroom line than actually
watching bands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are fully aware of
their inability to hold it, but it still won’t stop them from consuming 14
beers, 8 cups of coffee, and numerous flasks of Jameson. Get them a package of
Depends for Christmas or lose their number by next summer.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The drunk girl who “doesn’t
give a fuck.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She bumped into you violently
several times, burned a passer by with her cigarette, and squeezed her way into
a spot that didn’t exist, but don’t expect an apology. After the rest of her group see the ‘I am
going to murder your friend’ look on your face they try to reason with her, but <span style="font-family: Cambria;">her lack of common social decency went out the
window with her morals half a dozen beers ago.</span><span style="font-family: Cambria;"> </span><!--EndFragment--> I like
to let Karma (in the form of a crowd surfer kick to the head) handle this one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The person who shits in the
porta potty.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah yeah, I read the book. I
am aware that everybody poops, but that doesn’t make me hate this individual
any less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Riot fest smelled like a zoo
because you had to eat Mexican food and wash it down with beer all
afternoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next year be smart, fast for
several days, and spare us all the scent of your shit basking in the summer
sun.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Captain Obvious.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, is it hot outside in the
middle of July? Tell me again about how crowded it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all equally as uncomfortable as you,
but like adults, we mask our miserableness with alcohol so starting drinking
more and caring less. And yes, we are already aware the beer is expensive,
thanks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stage nine clinger.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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All you wanted to do was find
a hot random to suck face with for a few songs, but suddenly red pants guy is
following you from stage to stage. You realized six minutes in to your make out
session that he was not in fact your soul mate, but now you are having a hard
time shaking him. Just tell them your friend has to pee again, and lose him at
the porta potties.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx2pXhAAiYT5QrStmofHaWrTP55vo_ahiRR4b76OrSfYo5ymb6zCgyDqLhbluVxMcVgzquZavnN3klDoqDfYpn33Q4ghjNFkSFPrC8EZ-Wxysbyv1TMVkhyU8FRkyoQ2AbHLTqgVe6CtW1/s1600/Isle-of-Wight-Festival-.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx2pXhAAiYT5QrStmofHaWrTP55vo_ahiRR4b76OrSfYo5ymb6zCgyDqLhbluVxMcVgzquZavnN3klDoqDfYpn33Q4ghjNFkSFPrC8EZ-Wxysbyv1TMVkhyU8FRkyoQ2AbHLTqgVe6CtW1/s1600/Isle-of-Wight-Festival-.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-8271472761326392332014-09-02T07:24:00.001-07:002014-09-02T07:28:13.333-07:00All the single ladies, all the single ladies.<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently at work, I was
helping a mother plan her 20-year-old daughter’s wedding. Yes, you read that
correctly; she was 20 and conveniently found her soul mate while sitting next
to him on a bus. Personally, the only thing I have found on public transit was
an overwhelming scent of urine or a guy having a heated argument with himself…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When her mom asked me to draw
inspiration from my own wedding, I had to explain that all my ideas were piping
hot from my brain oven since I have never been married. What I experienced next
went something like this…shocked face, quick recovery, confused stare, head
tilt, look of pity, offer to set me up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I explained that while her
nephew seemed like a lovely individual, I was not interested in having coffee
with him directly after our meeting. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
continued to ask me if I was still looking for the one or if I was simply
focusing on my career, and while her questions seemed to get more intrusive and
extremely along the lines of “What’s wrong with you?!” I tried to direct her
attention to mason jars and homemade mercury glass…”Ooooh, ahhhh…Have you been
on Pinterest?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In reality I felt like
saying, “You know. I probably shouldn’t have drunk that vile of gypsy tears
when I was 8.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I am cursed to die alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What can you do though? They triple dogged
dared me…” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As she continued to eye me up
and down looking for a tail or extra finger, I began to wonder why people
assume there must be something wrong with you if you are over the age of 30 and
not married. You can be in a committed relationship with someone, even living
with them, but if you two don’t feel the need to define your partnership with a
piece of paper, you might as well adopt a dozen cats and hang Cathy comics on
your fridge. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her daughter was sure she had
found her soul mate before she could legally drink or gamble and no one
questioned her, yet if you are over 30 and un-wed, you get nothing but
questions. I know when I was 20, I was making out with everything with a pulse
while simultaneously losing shoes all over the city, but I get we are all on different
paths…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Life is not always a Disney film
where you wake up on your 16<sup>th</sup> birthday and find the man of your
dreams. Perhaps he shows up in your 30s or 40s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Perhaps he is like a fine George Clooney wine and it’s better to wait
until its reached peak potential before consuming. Maybe you have already met
him but don’t see the point in spending your life savings/acquiring crippling credit
card debt to prove your love because picking up his stinky socks and washing
his underwear are proof enough. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you
are happy, and he is happy, don’t let Beyoncé’ bully you into thinking you need
a ring to justify it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Either way being over 30 and
having to check a “Miss” box on an important document is not the end of the
world. If I’ve learned anything from reality television it’s that divorce is
much worse so don’t let anybody make you feel like a leper because your prince still
hasn’t arrived on his magic carpet belting out show tunes. Plus, something
tells me if he likes to sing that much, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. <span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-MDMtyE9TGvBZXgOJWoiVlZI72PWgSrFSsSrYiXSJIINKAIpcf_0DIAgbjO2XK5Zil_a-p34ykFQzWBy-ElM1Wx8JAydyP8om6w_JHrbJcF2lg-na0wpxxBmCzJwJUTgaP_ugcezC3K3W/s1600/gay-disney-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-MDMtyE9TGvBZXgOJWoiVlZI72PWgSrFSsSrYiXSJIINKAIpcf_0DIAgbjO2XK5Zil_a-p34ykFQzWBy-ElM1Wx8JAydyP8om6w_JHrbJcF2lg-na0wpxxBmCzJwJUTgaP_ugcezC3K3W/s1600/gay-disney-2.jpg" height="320" width="256" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-48259689721157323262014-07-29T07:28:00.000-07:002014-07-29T07:28:59.008-07:00Adventures in Tindering.<div class="MsoNormal">
For months I have been
hearing people talk about a dating app called Tinder, and after several pushes
from my friends, I finally decided to see what all the fuss was about.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It turns out everyone on
Facebook must be lying about getting married, because the entire world is single
and currently on Tinder. I saw people I knew, people I am glad I did not, and a
whole lot of nipples. Apparently there is a shirt shortage and a cargo pant
surplus going on within 10 miles of my apartment…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Either way, I learned a lot
throughout my experience so if against all your better judgment, you decide to
give Tinder a try as well, here is some helpful advice to get you through the
process…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First, you need to create a
profile so find the best pictures of you in existence. Remember when you had
food poisoning in ’09 and lost ten pounds with out even trying? Grab a picture
of that and post it immediately. Also, be sure to add a bunch of photos of
yourself having (what most of society would consider as) fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eating cold Chinese take out in your
underwear while working your way through Netflix may be your (ok my) idea of fun,
but it will not get you laid. You know what must get you laid though? Tigers,
because every other guy was posing with one…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once you have collected a
decent amount of Instagram filtered photos featuring jungle animals, you are
ready to write your bio. If you are a girl, you don’t really need to say
anything because no guy is actually reading it, but to improve your odds, talk
about anal and sandwiches. If you are a guy, be sure to mention your height,
but only if you are over six feet tall. If you are short, use words like “CEO”
and “Black Card.” You can also post a picture of yourself with a large group of
attractive females because if there is one thing us women love, it’s a ladies
man with a ton of competition. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When your profile is
complete, you are ready to find a match. A screen swipe to the right means, “I
like your face and would consider mauling it if you are not a closet fatty,”
while a swipe to the left means, “I wouldn’t fuck you with my friend’s dick or vagina.”
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Get ready to lose endless
hours of sleep. See, Tinder is the drug you knew you shouldn’t have tried in
the first place, but now you are addicted. It has become your personal mission
to view every single person’s profile within a certain mile radius only to deem
a handful worthy of your time. Therefore, this is also the point during your Tinder
experience where you will become drunk with power. You will develop a keen
ability to swipe left with rapid speed. In fact, you will become such a
judgmental asshole, as karma, you will accidently swipe left to some of the most
beautiful people you have ever seen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take
a moment to mourn each loss, but know you completely deserve it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When you manage to move on from
such tragedy, you may come across another human you wouldn’t kick out of bed
for eating crackers, and if that person also finds you aesthetically pleasing,
you become a match.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are a girl, you can
just sit back and receive compliments from random strangers who have absolutely
never messaged any other women with the same tag line of “Hello gorgeous. Your
eyes are really beautiful.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several will
ask you a simple question like “What is your favorite color?” then proceed to
give you an explanation of your entire life based off of your fondness for turquoise.
If you are really lucky, some guys won’t even greet you but rather ask if you
want to meet them out for a drink at that very moment, even if it’s 3 am. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are a guy, try to
avoid doing any of those things, especially the last one. It’s always best to
try not to give the impression your potential match will end up in a bathtub
full of ice. If you are serious about meeting your soul mate, get to know her.
You will also have to pretend you actually give a shit about her cat or recent
juice cleanse. If it’s “just the tip,” you are looking to play, hit up Adult
Friend Finder and save that poor girl from a relationship with Ben and Jerry
later on…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Whatever you are hoping to get
out of your Tinder experience, “murdered” is not one of them so don’t be a
dumbass. Be safe, have fun, and most of all, try not to get chlamydia.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDzkVKbT4KkBaqCU4ogL433LswCJK1oqvOE6aRZt8s0xuglQc2ZTUI_oYv2QEuXBbwtKpVZCue98TtK6QXJO6_G67FlQ04alrxzoky0Ai_jIvWc6WAfvS35srCaNePAnLoqzAL5S6oW4nR/s1600/Std.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDzkVKbT4KkBaqCU4ogL433LswCJK1oqvOE6aRZt8s0xuglQc2ZTUI_oYv2QEuXBbwtKpVZCue98TtK6QXJO6_G67FlQ04alrxzoky0Ai_jIvWc6WAfvS35srCaNePAnLoqzAL5S6oW4nR/s1600/Std.jpg" height="260" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5949264673807450193.post-71603430584826020772014-06-26T16:03:00.001-07:002014-06-26T16:48:26.356-07:00If you have kids, read this.<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems lately I have become
the voice for my friends without children. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe it started several
months ago when I posted a blog about not wanting to hold a friend’s baby who
had been spitting up <span style="background-color: #f7f7f7; color: #3e454c; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">á</span></span> la The Exorcist for hours. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps it was a few weeks
ago when I posted about waiting patiently for coffee when a mother with a
screaming toddler cut about a dozen people (already late for work) because her baby was hungry. Several of us told her, in so many words, that, “Bitch,
we’re hungry too, and if you don’t get to the back of the line, there will be
more than one screaming person in this restaurant…”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, I’m willing to bet
it was most recently when I applauded the owner of Alinea for banning babies
after a couple of idiot parents thought it would be a good idea to bring one to a $500+ a plate, exclusive, fine dining restaurant. The baby screamed the
entire meal, therefore ruining a once in a lifetime experience for the rest of
the guests. Although personally, I could never afford to eat at Alinea (without selling a kidney on the Black Market) but even if I could, I would have been livid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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And finally, today a friend tagged me in
some article regarding “Things to never say to parents,” thinking she was cute. She must have forgotten that I too am a writer, and just as easily as some mom behind a keyboard can write about the things to never say and do to parents, child-less people who also own computers can retaliate, although in a much quieter setting, with a giant glass of wine in hand.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On that note, here is a list of things you need to remember when you have children along with some things you should never say to people without them…<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Not everyone wants children. Do not ask everyone who has ever been on a second date when they are getting married and having kids or I will start asking you when you are going to lose the baby weight. Oh, is that rude? So is asking me my ovulation schedule.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Just because someone does not want kids, does not mean they hate kids. I personally am not a fan of little dogs, but I am not going to punt your purse puppy when you bring it over, geez. When did me deciding I don’t want to ruin my new dress with spit up mean I automatically wish all babies were banned to Stroller Island? (I am willing to bet my friend David is currently googling it while simultaneously praying it actually exists.) Seriously though, just because I do not have something, doesn't mean I loathe it. I don't have a Maserati either, but I don't see people asking me why I hate Italian sports cars.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“But having kids gives your life purpose…” I want you to stop and think about this one for a second, because while this may seem harmless, what you are basically telling me is my life has no meaning. I could cure cancer, stop world hunger, save all the abused animals of the world, but if I don’t wipe someone else’s ass, it was all for naught I guess. Lots of people did magnificent things without reproducing so before you decide that having kids is the measure of one's life's worth, remember Mother Theresa had no actual children. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“If you don’t have kids, what will you do all day?” Oh I don’t know, perhaps all the other things in life people do every day. I will go to work, travel, spend time with friends, see that new slasher flick, read all of the books, eat all of the food, attend all of the concerts…whatever I want, God! It would be like me saying, “It sure would be nice to stay at home and color and play peek-a-boo all day.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"You don't have kids so you don't understand…" This is a pretty bold statement to make regarding anything really. No one can possibly understand everyone else's situation. You may have been childless once, but you were never living MY life. You may be drained from the multiple nightly feedings, but perhaps I just pulled an all nighter at the end of my 60 hour work week. Who wins the award for "most tired"? Does it matter? Can't we both just be busy/sleepy/hungry/and numerous other adjectives ending in "y"? This statement sounds condescending, and since we are both exhausted, maybe it's best to keep it to yourself before someone gets punched. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
You were without children once. Remember being in a movie theater and having a screaming baby drown out that comedy you were dying to see? Remember missing your train home because some mom decided to bring her double wide stroller on during rush hour? How about the time you and your fiancé were out celebrating your anniversary dinner on date night when a toddler throwing a hissy fit ruined your romantic evening. At some point in your life you were annoyed by some other parent's lack of social courtesy so don't turn around and become that asshole parent you once loathed. After all, karma is real, and the one night you finally get to hire a sitter, guess who's showing up on your date…</div>
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<br /></div>
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Most importantly, for the love of God, stop asking people without children what they are going to do when they get old. It's not like all those people in nursing homes are childless… Plus, children are expensive so while you are blowing all your money on ballet practices and braces, I will be saving for my future, and (fingers crossed) I will be hiring a Ryan Gosling look alike to bring me my prune juice every morning. </div>
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<br /></div>
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mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
ooohstephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07578201239182424861noreply@blogger.com0