If you are single and in your
30s, you’ve inevitably gone on a decent amount of dates. So many dates. Copious
amounts of dates. No seriously, how did you find the time to do anything else?
Some were good. Some were
bad. Most were awkward.
One thing I have realized after
becoming a seasoned pro (and I use that term loosely) is that you will begin to
notice a pattern.
On most dates, after the
initial “What do you do’s” and “Where are you from’s” you will know you aren’t
interested. Often you realize it five
minutes after you show up. Sometimes it’s not until they mention their ex-girlfriend
no less than a dozen times that it hits you. However if you’re really lucky and
the waste my time stars align, it can even happen as fast as you’re shaking
their hand thinking, “There is no way I will ever let your penis in or around my
vagina.“
On one occasion that feeling
was so strong I wouldn’t have even had sex with them with a stranger’s vagina.
But now what?
You have committed to a full
meal or spending the better portion of your evening with this person while you’re
more sexually attracted to a pineapple because at least that shit came from
somewhere interesting and not Naperville.
One of two things usually
happens next: either you try to make the best of a bad situation and engage in
meaningless conversation all the while pushing food around on your plate as you
count down the minutes until you “have to wake up early for work tomorrow,” or
you accidently get hammered.
Let’s be real, option “B”
happens more than you’d like to admit.
As you are passing the time
through free cocktails, you will become a little loose. Perhaps you judged this
person too quickly. They are kind of funny. Maybe even cute too? He does kind
of look like he may be related to Bradley Cooper.
Spoiler alert: He does not in
fact even look like a distant cousin twice removed.
It’s been several hours and
multiple cocktails so you are now drunk and finding this person to be far more
charming than they actually are, and before you
know it, you’re making out in
a dim lit booth at a bar you can now never show your face in again. RIP your
favorite spot for fancy libations.
You wake up the next morning
to a barrage of texts saying how much fun they had and how much they would like
to see you again, meanwhile all you’d like to do is wash your mouth out (OR
WORSE depending how loose you actually got) with bleach.
You’ve done it again. Will
you ever learn? Did that trip to Cabo sophomore year turn you off of tequila forever?
Of course not!
But wait! Here comes the
choose your own adventure part of this sad tale. Do you A: Ghost them and hope
you never run into them again (which you will, on every dating app for
enternity). B: Explain that you consumed enough alcohol to make him or any
living human being attractive, or C: Take my advice and go for the “One and
Done” approach in the future.
After too many of option “A”
and a lot of painful “B” conversations, I implemented a system that seems to be
fool proof so far. Before the date, I explain to the gentleman or fuck boy
(TBD) that I have a rule where we can meet up for one cocktail and one cocktail
only. It doesn’t matter if we are having the greatest night of our lives, we
finish our glass and bid farewell.
You must be asking, if you’re
having a great time, why would you end the date early? It’s simple. How many times have you felt
like you two were having a great time only to never hear from him again? I know
this topic has confused the masses of my girlfriends. I attribute it to not
wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings so you make the most of a boring situation.
Everything is more fun with alcohol, after all.
With the one and done
approach, there is literally no pressure. You get to down your beverage and
head on your merry way. Don’t like each other? No harm no foul. You two hit it
off? Great! Go ahead and schedule that full blown meal you will actually want
to eat, and if you never hear from them again, at least you only wasted a half
an hour and not a full evening.
Think of all the time you’ll
save. Sign up for that yoga class you’ve been putting off. Go smell another
dozen candles at Target. Book that vacation you’ve been meaning to take. Who
knows? Maybe you’ll even meet your soulmate while on you’re on it…just make
sure you only have one drink so you end up with “the one” and not the one with
the pitcher of Margaritas.
