Like a creepy DJ in a sketchy bar..."This one is for the ladies," (my very best advice).

Every now and then I will get questions in my inbox from people seeking advice on various subjects I know little to nothing about.  Sometimes it's for relationship or sex help, but most of the time it's regarding make-up/beauty tricks, fashion trends, or diet and exercise tips.

I know how to hide the bags under my eyes, dress myself, and I may have found the perfect balance of being able to wear skinny jeans while still eating brownies for breakfast...however, that is about as knowledgeable as I am in those subjects.

I may not know how to do a perfect "cat eye" or even just how to keep my eyeliner on my eyes and off my cheeks a la Alice Cooper, but I do know a few things every woman should know.  What I lack in "Grey's Anatomy" knowledge, I make up for in other subjects.

So on that note ladies,  here is some of my best advice of all time, in the history of the world, ever.

If you need to stay quasi sober on a night out (for whatever reason: work, school, etc) then wear flats.  Studies from my weekend show, there is a direct correlation between high heels and high levels of intoxication.  The higher the heels, the more your feet hurt, and the more your feet hurt, the more you will attempt to subconsciously drink away the pain. You probably won't get as many free drinks in a pair of sensible ballet flats as you would in a pair of "fuck me heels" so there's that also.

Save a ton of money on expensive, designer make-up and just buy sunglasses.  Wear them at night even, and if anyone questions your decision just say, "My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades."

We all know no man is going to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free, but if you give him some really good cookies with that milk he may let you live on his farm...and by cookies I mean blow jobs.

Do not listen to all the people who say to clean out your closet once a year. Keep everything forever because at some point, it will come back in style. If we have learned anything from Urban Outfitters and American Apparel it is everything from the early 90s is cool again, only now it costs three times as much and is served with a side of pedophilia.

You do not need to wait until Tuesdays to eat Tacos. They are just as delicious on other days of the week. Don't let anyone trick you into thinking you can only have fun on Sundays either. You should definitely hump someone on Wednesday though.

Stop buying Spanx. They do not make you look thinner but rather just redistribute your fat.  Your hips only appear to be smaller since you now have a roll of fat on your clavicle.

Never attempt to get back with an ex just because you see him with a new girl. Remember when you were little and you only wanted to play with something because you saw another kid having fun with it? Your ex is that toy, and you will tire of it the minute you realize no one else wants to play with it again. Plus, that toy is a dick.

Ignore every sex tip from any fashion magazine you have ever read. "Gently chew on his nipples while lightly tugging on his testicles." Seriously? Want to know the best sex tip of all time? Open your legs.  He will be happy, and his balls will thank you for not attempting Cosmo sex trick #76535174.

and of course...

If you think you are going to regret something in the morning, sleep until noon.

New Year's Resolutions.

Recently I lost 15 lbs, and no I didn't do it the easy way and pick up a meth habit...I joined a gym, started eating better, and worked my ass off, literally.  Unfortunately my boobs left with it, but hey, you win some you lose some.

I started back in September (when my attempt at The Guinness World record for most Cadbury eggs eaten failed), and now all the New Year's resolution people are crowding up my gym which of course makes me want to punch babies.

If you haven't already learned from every previous New Year's of your life that resolutions do not work, then maybe you would also like to lend some money to this Nigerian prince I know who will totally pay you back three fold.

I started thinking about every one I have ever made/heard someone else make and how fast each of us had broken it.  Maybe if our resolutions were a bit more realistic, we would be more likely to keep them. On that note, I thought I would share some things we should all vow to do/not do this year...

Stop saying "ratchet," "swag," "turned up," or anything else regularly used in a 16 year old girl's vocabulary. Otherwise it would be "totes amaze balls" to punch you in the face.

Have more sex, even if it's with yourself.  I think most women wouldn't be such bitches if more of them took the sticks out of their asses and put them in their vaginas. Throw some batteries into the mix and boom, world peace.  Stephanie for President 2016.

Eat, drink, snort, shoot up? more vegetables.  Slather them in ranch dressing if you have to.  I would eat dry wall if it was covered in ranch so no more excuses.

Stop caring what other people think about you, ESPECIALLY people you will never see again in your life. Go on vacation, waltz into the first bar you can find, and bust out the single ladies dance like nobody's watching.  They all will be, but stop caring about it. You haven't spent all that time mastering it in your bedroom for nothing.

Sleep, nap, siesta, snooze, slumber, pass out.  Either way, none of us are getting a full 8 hrs which is why we are so damn crabby all the time.  Rip Van Winkle, Sleeping beauty, Sleepy the Dwarf...not assholes.  See a pattern there?

Resist the urge to post 73286048 photos of your child a day. I mean, for all you know someone is fighting a very difficult infertility battle...that or they hate children, now yours especially because no one cares that little Timmy likes apples. And oranges! And peaches! But not Lemons!  Stop it.

Start smoking crack so people will be pleased when you quickly give it up, and they will finally stop complaining you drink too much.  Hear that mom!?  It's a glass of wine or a pipe a day. You pick!

Learn to control your road rage because if you live in Chicago like me, screaming, "I hope you and your entire family get Gonorrhea and die," might actually get you killed instead.

Stop wasting time playing shit like Candy Crush. If you complain you don't have time to go to the gym but you have time for shit like that, enjoy those love handles.  If you aren't going to stop playing at least stop inviting me to play. I can find more exciting ways to develop premature gray hairs.

I could write, "Save more money," but I will say what we all really need to hear..."Try to stay the fuck out of Target."

Am I a creep?

The other day I took a piece of cake to go from a birthday party. I had every intent of eating it later that night after dinner, but I hadn't even made it a few blocks away from the party when I decided I wanted it right then and there. I fumbled around then pulled out a fork from my center console. After sensing some judgement coming from shotgun, I asked, "Doesn't everyone stash away an emergency fork?"

Apparently the answer is no, and according to my passenger, I am a weirdo.  I started to think of all the other things I regularly do that warrant stares from strangers or at least cause my friends to raise an eyebrow.  The more I thought about, the more I realized that I may or may not be a total creep.

On that note, I was wondering does anyone else...

Make ugly faces at yourself in the mirror just to see how disgusting you can be?

Run up the basement stairs on all fours because you know whatever is down there is about an inch away from grabbing your ankle and dragging you back to hell with it?

Find food in your cleavage from God knows when and eat it anyway?

"Dougie" while in the shower?

Have more conversations with your pet than actual people?

Eat one of everything in the house because string cheese, four Cheetos, a handful of M&Ms, two strawberries, a few bites of cold pizza, and a Pop Tart are a perfectly acceptable dinner?

Chug a ton of water then push your stomach out as far as it will go and walk around with your hands behind your back like you are pregnant just to see what you would look like simultaneously scaring your boyfriend and yourself shitless?

Pull up next to the person who cut you off, roll down the window and clap/congratulate them on beating you to a red light? (I am totally going to get murdered one day for sure.)

Randomly talk in weird accents when calling Comcast or someone you have never met?

Constantly moon your best friend because they never tire of seeing your giant pale ass at random?

live in a musical where any situation or mundane task can be turned into a song?

Press all the buttons on the controller at the same time as hard and fast as possible rather than take two seconds to actually learn what the three of them do?

Uh yeah, me neither.

Bitches at my gym.

Those of you who know me in real life are aware that I recently joined a gym.  I truly hate working out, but it was either that or invest in some elastic waist pants since mine were leaving such deep indentations, one may think I was trying to start some new body modification trend.

I bought some yoga pants and a new pair of Nike shoes and thought I was ready to take on the world...or at least the elliptical for 20 minutes until the paramedics were called.

I was always under the impression that the gym was a place to which you give a portion of your paycheck to use its services. Anyone who has ever bought a piece of exercise equipment knows that after a few months, it will become a coat rack, therefore you must join a gym so you constantly feel bad paying for something you don't use. However, everything else I thought I knew about going to the gym was way off.

For starters, I was unaware that if you are female and wish to be a part of any exercise based establishment, you must own a pair of Lululemon yoga pants regardless if you have never done yoga or even know what the word yoga means. While I thought I was one step ahead of the game by not working out in nacho stained pajamas, instead my Old Navy ones had me feeling like I was carrying a Prado handbag at a Prada fashion show.

In addition to my fashion faux pas, I missed the memo stating I must have pageant hair and a full face of make-up just in case the paparazzi are waiting outside. Keep in mind you must also be a beautiful shade of bronze in the middle of the winter. After a few visits, I'm starting to think people may be unimpressed with my legs being so white they are actually clear. No folks she is not Albino, just naturally that pale. Ooooh, Ahhhhh!

It is also widely known that no female under any circumstance should sweat. You are allowed to look only slightly flushed, but if one bead runs down your forehead you might as well be Mariah Carey after making "Glitter." God forbid you look like shit while you are simultaneously sweating your ass off/dying. Apparently, breathing like Darth Vader in lamaze class is also frowned upon.

In order to be part of a gym you must also blast either really bad techno music or old Britney Spears so everyone around you can hear 1998 through your headphones. I guess no one is going to believe you are serious about your work out if you are listening to actual music.

I have also gathered that it is far better to sit on/stand next to any given piece of equipment rather than use it. Why would you actually want to lift weights when you can just hang out by them and play on your phone? It must be widely known that looking at a treadmill burns just as many calories as running on one.

*Also note that you must check in on Foursquare or post a picture to Instagram because everyone knows your "work out" didn't really count unless everyone knows about it.

Holidays in your 20s verse holidays in your 30s.

Today is Halloween and also the first year I didn't dress up.  I strategically scheduled a mini vacation last weekend to avoid having to create a costume that is both original and just the right amount of slutty for my age. I mean, I am not 21 anymore, but I am still a woman who needs to let her inner skank out at least one night a year before it blows up on a girl's trip to Cabo...

Going the funny route is also a viable option, but I am far too tired to even attempt to think of anything clever let alone try to make it myself.  I thought about how I used to get so excited for Halloween and how I would spend weeks (if not months perfecting my costume).  The past few years I have recycled the only costume I own that someone managed to not get trashed, with the exception of this year, in which I did even less. 

I couldn't even manage to put on a pair of dollar store cat ears.

I really used to look forward to all major holidays as well, but as I have gotten older, things have changed dramatically. Mostly, I no longer need an excuse to eat or drink...

Let's start with February which harbors Valentine's Day, a day where you get showered with gifts from your loved one for merely existing. Remember being in your 20s and looking forward to all the hearts filled with chocolate and sparkly pieces of jewelry?  Being in your 30s and realizing all that chocolate will make your ass fat and that crappy necklace from the mall kiosk is not in fact a diamond ring is somehow not as fun. 

St. Patrick's Day used to be an all day drinking extravaganza beginning earlier than you currently leave for work. You even spent hours at the party store picking out the perfect amount of flare. Now-a-days  drinking a Guinness on your couch in your underwear trumps going to a crowded bar (filled with children) which reeks of vomit.  Even if your college buddies manage to drag you out, you will pull a Houdini and be asleep by the time they get kicked out of their very first bar.

Easter was once a fun day filled with baking cupcakes and decorating eggs with your roommates before going home to visit the family you so desperately missed. As you have got older, Easter means your siblings' screaming children and searching the yard for rotting chucks of egg said children left behind. If you are extra lucky, your mom will repeatedly ask you why you don't have any of your own.

The Fourth of July was always fun involving BBQs and lighting shit on fire, but since "The great firework fiasco of 2006," no one wants to come in contact with anything other than sparklers. Getting older means learning that it's all fun and games until someone loses a finger.

Thanksgiving was once two holidays: the actual food fest, and the night before.  Over the past few years you have come to realize that getting hammered on Black Wednesday only interferes with your full schedule of eating, napping, and repeating the next day.  I for one can't compromise my stomach for the eating Olympics.

Let's be honest, Christmas was once the greatest day of your life.  All you had to do was show up to get showered with presents from relatives you forgot existed while your mom made you endless amounts of cookies and hot cocoa.  Fast forward to today where your Christmas list is a mile long, and all you want to do is spend all your cash on wine to survive all the family functions you are obligated to attend. 

Finally, there is New Year's.  Remember buying the tickets, ordering a limo, and finding the perfect dress?  A night with endless possibilities...which you have come to realize is just another effing night only on this particular one you get to spend three times as much to be annoyed and hung over. Also, don't forget to make your umpteen resolution you will literally break the following day.

Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.

Today I went to a one-year-old's birthday party.  There was no alcohol.  I sat amongst a sea of new mothers Oohing and Awing over poofy pink dresses and princess crowns. I listened to numerous conversations about breastfeeding and Diaper Genies.  Did I mention there was no alcohol?

As I sat silently watching the chaos unfold all around me, a relative asked me if I wanted to hold her newborn. I quickly replied, "No thanks, I'm good," but judging by the look on her face, you would have thought I announced my devotion to Satan. Several other people also seemed horrified by my response. I guess telling a room full of new mothers that you aren't really interested in the one thing that consumes their entire life doesn't get you picked first in gym class.

I didn't see the big deal. If she was already over holding her own baby why I was supposed to be ecstatic about her passing it off on me? What was so horrible about not wanting to hold what had been spitting up on everyone for the last hour? I'm sorry, but I just didn't see the appeal of ruining my new sweater, and I definitely didn't think it was fair that I was being treated like a red headed step child for feeling this way.

The entire roomful of women seemed befuddled by the fact that, I didn't have baby fever. Maybe I was sick that day in health class when they explained since if you possess a vagina you must have an insatiable desire to reproduce. I wonder how the women would have felt if I told them my ovaries shriveled up and died the very moment their child threw a shit fit of Veruca Salt proportions over having to wear pants. 

I'm not saying I hate children or that I may never warm up to the idea of having kids. After all, if my thoughts or opinions never changed I would still think Silverchair was the greatest band of all time. However, I can definitely confirm that at this point in my life I prefer having clean clothes and nice things.  I like to stay up late, sleep in, and nap. I enjoy taking long showers and using the bathroom without an audience. Plus, most nights I am too tired to cook myself dinner so unless a newborn wants to eat cold Chinese take out directly out of the box because I'm too lazy to empty the dishwasher, I just don't see a current situation working out.

I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I have lots of friends who have actively chosen to not have kids who are constantly being hounded about their decision. People need to remember that it is not easy, and it is not for everyone. Even my friends who have willingly dedicated themselves to parenthood still need to keep their liquor cabinets fully stocked. 

Next time you are about to give your childless friends a speech on the joys of motherhood, remember the same way you don't care for cats, some people don't care for children. Both are selfish assholes who will ruin everything you love. If you own either, you will adore them and find everything they do adorable regardless, but try to understand not everyone wants to test that theory.

If you can't even keep a plant alive, don't feel one ounce of remorse about deciding not to have children. If kids simply aren't your thing, don't have them because you feel obligated. Every person who will not be getting robbed or murdered in 18 years will thank you.

You are an asshole.

If you are a "DJ" who has never touched an actual record, you are an asshole.

If you wear Skechers, you are an asshole, and you are "shaping up"to be alone for the rest of your life.

If you have ever 100% successfully made anything on Pinterest, you are an asshole, and why can't just one of my projects, receipts, hair styles, ANYTHING look like the picture?!