Sunday, January 26, 2014

Like a creepy DJ in a sketchy bar..."This one is for the ladies," (my very best advice).

Every now and then I will get questions in my inbox from people seeking advice on various subjects I know little to nothing about.  Sometimes it's for relationship or sex help, but most of the time it's regarding make-up/beauty tricks, fashion trends, or diet and exercise tips.

I know how to hide the bags under my eyes, dress myself, and I may have found the perfect balance of being able to wear skinny jeans while still eating brownies for breakfast...however, that is about as knowledgeable as I am in those subjects.

I may not know how to do a perfect "cat eye" or even just how to keep my eyeliner on my eyes and off my cheeks a la Alice Cooper, but I do know a few things every woman should know.  What I lack in "Grey's Anatomy" knowledge, I make up for in other subjects.

So on that note ladies,  here is some of my best advice of all time, in the history of the world, ever.

If you need to stay quasi sober on a night out (for whatever reason: work, school, etc) then wear flats.  Studies from my weekend show, there is a direct correlation between high heels and high levels of intoxication.  The higher the heels, the more your feet hurt, and the more your feet hurt, the more you will attempt to subconsciously drink away the pain. You probably won't get as many free drinks in a pair of sensible ballet flats as you would in a pair of "fuck me heels" so there's that also.

Save a ton of money on expensive, designer make-up and just buy sunglasses.  Wear them at night even, and if anyone questions your decision just say, "My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades."

We all know no man is going to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free, but if you give him some really good cookies with that milk he may let you live on his farm...and by cookies I mean blow jobs.

Do not listen to all the people who say to clean out your closet once a year. Keep everything forever because at some point, it will come back in style. If we have learned anything from Urban Outfitters and American Apparel it is everything from the early 90s is cool again, only now it costs three times as much and is served with a side of pedophilia.

You do not need to wait until Tuesdays to eat Tacos. They are just as delicious on other days of the week. Don't let anyone trick you into thinking you can only have fun on Sundays either. You should definitely hump someone on Wednesday though.

Stop buying Spanx. They do not make you look thinner but rather just redistribute your fat.  Your hips only appear to be smaller since you now have a roll of fat on your clavicle.

Never attempt to get back with an ex just because you see him with a new girl. Remember when you were little and you only wanted to play with something because you saw another kid having fun with it? Your ex is that toy, and you will tire of it the minute you realize no one else wants to play with it again. Plus, that toy is a dick.

Ignore every sex tip from any fashion magazine you have ever read. "Gently chew on his nipples while lightly tugging on his testicles." Seriously? Want to know the best sex tip of all time? Open your legs.  He will be happy, and his balls will thank you for not attempting Cosmo sex trick #76535174.

and of course...

If you think you are going to regret something in the morning, sleep until noon.

Friday, January 3, 2014

New Year's Resolutions.

Recently I lost 15 lbs, and no I didn't do it the easy way and pick up a meth habit...I joined a gym, started eating better, and worked my ass off, literally.  Unfortunately my boobs left with it, but hey, you win some you lose some.

I started back in September (when my attempt at The Guinness World record for most Cadbury eggs eaten failed), and now all the New Year's resolution people are crowding up my gym which of course makes me want to punch babies.

If you haven't already learned from every previous New Year's of your life that resolutions do not work, then maybe you would also like to lend some money to this Nigerian prince I know who will totally pay you back three fold.

I started thinking about every one I have ever made/heard someone else make and how fast each of us had broken it.  Maybe if our resolutions were a bit more realistic, we would be more likely to keep them. On that note, I thought I would share some things we should all vow to do/not do this year...

Stop saying "ratchet," "swag," "turned up," or anything else regularly used in a 16 year old girl's vocabulary. Otherwise it would be "totes amaze balls" to punch you in the face.

Have more sex, even if it's with yourself.  I think most women wouldn't be such bitches if more of them took the sticks out of their asses and put them in their vaginas. Throw some batteries into the mix and boom, world peace.  Stephanie for President 2016.

Eat, drink, snort, shoot up? more vegetables.  Slather them in ranch dressing if you have to.  I would eat dry wall if it was covered in ranch so no more excuses.

Stop caring what other people think about you, ESPECIALLY people you will never see again in your life. Go on vacation, waltz into the first bar you can find, and bust out the single ladies dance like nobody's watching.  They all will be, but stop caring about it. You haven't spent all that time mastering it in your bedroom for nothing.

Sleep, nap, siesta, snooze, slumber, pass out.  Either way, none of us are getting a full 8 hrs which is why we are so damn crabby all the time.  Rip Van Winkle, Sleeping beauty, Sleepy the Dwarf...not assholes.  See a pattern there?

Resist the urge to post 73286048 photos of your child a day. I mean, for all you know someone is fighting a very difficult infertility battle...that or they hate children, now yours especially because no one cares that little Timmy likes apples. And oranges! And peaches! But not Lemons!  Stop it.

Start smoking crack so people will be pleased when you quickly give it up, and they will finally stop complaining you drink too much.  Hear that mom!?  It's a glass of wine or a pipe a day. You pick!

Learn to control your road rage because if you live in Chicago like me, screaming, "I hope you and your entire family get Gonorrhea and die," might actually get you killed instead.

Stop wasting time playing shit like Candy Crush. If you complain you don't have time to go to the gym but you have time for shit like that, enjoy those love handles.  If you aren't going to stop playing at least stop inviting me to play. I can find more exciting ways to develop premature gray hairs.

I could write, "Save more money," but I will say what we all really need to hear..."Try to stay the fuck out of Target."