Thursday, August 13, 2015

To Threesome Or Not To Threesome?

When a group of girl friends get together there is bound to be a conversation or two about sex.  Last weekend in particular there were many, and the topic of the elusive threesome came up for the first time since college.

A friend of mine was debating whether or not she should partake in one for her boyfriend’s upcoming 30th birthday.  After a few too many cocktails, she was beginning to consider it.  She claimed she “didn’t know what to get him,” and this was “all he really wanted” so we suggested getting a new boyfriend.  No, I’m kidding, but we did all urge her that while he may not enjoy Cubs tickets quite as much as having sex with two women at once, they were the better option.  At least this way he would be the one disappointed and heartbroken instead of her (a little Chicago humor for my local readers).

I am not going to judge those who are into threesomes, ménage à trois, etc., but personally, I have always been under the impression that watching your significant other bang another person right in front of you is generally a bad idea.  

Then again, I get annoyed when people want me to share my French fries…

I suppose if you are bi-sexual and don’t posses a jealous bone in your body then it’s an ideal arrangement, but I’m guessing most men will have better luck finding Bigfoot than having their girlfriends be this mythical creature.

Sorry guys, but chances are she is like most of us: an everyday, straight woman who is not interested in acting out a real life porno.  I know I can turn on the water works and initiate an Emmy winning performance when faced with the possibility of a speeding ticket, but even I can’t pretend that vagina is my favorite food.

We decided that since her birthday was a couple weeks past his, she should propose the same request…a precursor arrangement, if you will.  Would her man be so eager to ask for a threesome if he had to reciprocate the favor? “Oh you mean you don’t want to cup his balls while watching me put my Pilates class to good use on someone else?”

We joked that perhaps calling his bluff was not the best option either because he may actually oblige. Stranger things have happened, and you don’t want to play roulette when it involves multiple penises. After all, that sounds like a lot of work and a bunch of ice packs.

We also suggested to our friend that threesomes may be best left to drunken nights with strangers.  If things get weird the next morning, at least you have the option of treating the situation like any other one night stand that didn’t end well…collect your belongings you deemed important enough to attempt to locate, call an uber, and pray you never have to see them again.

Now when that person happens to be your significant other, the Houdini plan of escape is no longer a viable option. Keep in mind that uncomfortable feeling may stick around longer than your usual shame shower that morning.

Whether you decide to threesome or not to threesome is on you, but before you do, you may want to ask yourself if you are prepared to lie to your Grandma about why Johnny couldn’t make it for Thanksgiving this year…