It was turning out to be a
perfect day.
My morning meeting had been cancelled
leaving my afternoon completely open to grab a bite with my mom, and there are
few things in this world more glorious than a (screaming) child free brunch during
the work week. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy chugging cocktails on Sunday Funday
like I’m at a frat party, but sipping them without a standing audience giving
me the stink eye is nothing short of magical.
My mom and I were chatting
about which member of our family is more insane when my phone alerted me that I
had a message. I figured it might be
work related so I reached down to check, hoping I wasn’t going to have to cut
my meal short. “Oh thank God,” I thought,
“It’s just a message from (let’s go ahead and call him) John.”
As I went to click on the message
to respond that I was at brunch (and would call him after), I noticed it wasn’t
a text at all but rather a picture…an extremely close-up picture…of his erect
penis.
I damn near spit my Bloody
Mary directly into my mother’s face. Are you serious? It’s not even noon! Can’t
a girl enjoy her plate of bacon without a side of sausage?
Now just to clarify, John and
I were not romantically involved nor had we ever been romantically involved. I had
never even been hammered and thought about touching his penis so what brought
upon this unprovoked sext?
I needed answers so, of
course, I showed the picture to any of my closest female friends willing to
look and asked how, if at all, I should respond. As it turns out, I was not the only one to
have their eyes physically violated lately.
As a matter of fact, each of my friends had entire photo files which apparently
received new entries often.
Sexting is not a new concept
by any means. Most women could dig up an old sidekick with a couple of pixelated
pictures of penises (say that five times fast), but they were most likely
collected for collateral…more of a “If my boobs end up online, I’m passing out
flyers of your limp dick, buddy” situation. However, it seems if you are a single woman in
2015, you are probably receiving more pictures of wieners than Ulta coupons in
the mail.
After a serious discussion about
the origin of the dick picture and it’s current standing in modern day society,
we came up with a few possible reasons as to what brought upon this sudden
surge of confidence in men…
Perhaps there was an article
in Maxim responsible for all these shots of balls before breakfast. Something along the lines of, “Give her what
she really wants this Valentine’s Day.” If women read Cosmo and are willing to
try awful sex tip #72615, there is a possibility men are eager to follow the
same shitty advice.
Could it be sending pictures
of your penis is the new way of saying, “Hey. I’ve been thinking about you,”
but in a more graphic/less romantic way?
Maybe morning wood has replaced the good morning text, and us ladies
didn’t get the memo.
Another possible reason may
just be some sort of guy logic pertaining to the whole situation. “If I send
her a picture of my dick, she will send me a picture of her boobs.” An eye for
an eye or a nude for a nude if you will. Guys, if this is your go to strategy,
google “supply and demand,” and be prepared to be disappointed.
I’m thinking maybe there was
one girl who told the guy she was dating that sending a picture of your penis
to a female is the highest form of flattery. “Don’t bother telling her how
beautiful she is when you can show her via your raging boner.”
I’m willing to bet she is the
same girl who started the “all girls love anal” rumor.
Hey woman, shut up already.
Whatever the case may be, unless
a female specifically asks you for one, you may want to hold off on sending her
a picture of your genitals…especially if she has not met
them in person. If you want everyone to become besties, the first encounter
should not be at an awkward angle in your dirty bathroom either. That shit is
just ri-dic-pic-ulous.
