Friday, July 26, 2013

Still awesome.

I wrote a part two of "Things I will never be good at" so I figured I would do the same for "Things I am awesome at" to keep my ego balanced. What can I say, what I lack in some ways, I make up for in others. Try not to be jealous of all my special skills.

I am also awesome at..

coming up with amazing band names like "Surprise Vaginas."

walking in really high heels even when I am drunk (and constantly trip over my bare feet sober).

telling myself my diet starts tomorrow...every day.

losing my phone when it is on silent.

deciding I need to do laundry or clean my apartment at 3 am when I previously had the whole day off but chose to spend it alternating between eating, napping, and watching old One Tree Hill re-runs on Soap Net (don't judge me).

attracting the creepiest guy in the bar and having him offer to buy me a roofie colada.

pulling a Houdini out of the bar leaving my friends to wonder if I have been sold into sex slavery or if I am sleeping in my hall way.

going grocery shopping and eating every thing I bought in one day, leaving me to eat condiments for at least a week until I go back.

finding stationary objects perfect for photo ops. Why yes I do need to climb onto that giant polar bear and take a picture. I realize it is 12 feet tall.  Your point is?

remembering to take my birth control.  Ok fine, I will not take all the credit for this one. Your screaming child was a helpful reminder.

And here's some bonus awesome...Enjoy!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

More things I will never be good at...

I suck at lots of things...basic things most average adults have mastered already. For example, I can't even swim. I mean, I can not drown which should count for something, but as far as turning your head and moving your arms in a circular motion, yeah, not so much. At this point in my life, I learned it's just better to accept that some things you will just never get the hang of no matter how hard you try. On that note, here are some more things I will never be good at...

(If you want to feel even better about yourself, you can also read part one here.)

remembering to close the window before walking around my room pants less and confusing/scarring the neighborhood children for life. (If you are from Africa why are you white...and if you are white, why is your butt so big?)

not quoting Mean Girls every day.

waiting five minutes for the oven to preheat so I can cook food properly and not end up eating a hot mess of pizza rolls from the microwave.

wearing shoes that won't eventually betray me.

taking little dogs seriously. You live in a purse and my cat could kick your ass.

going to Wrigley Field and actually paying attention to the game and not just just to my Mai Tais and hot dog.

not using the expression "shut your whore mouth" or "eat a bag of dicks" at least once a day. I'm still trying to figure out where one can acquire a bag of dicks to eat...

ordering anything less than ten items from Taco Bell, while pretending I am ordering for my imaginary family.
"I will have two Dorito tacos, a 7 layer burrito, a cheesey gordita crunch, a beef chalupa, cheesey fiesta potatoes, a mexican pizza, a baja blast freeze, and a crunch wrap supreme."
 "Does that complete your order?"
 "Oh, and I better add some beef nachos for my husband and cinnamon twists because my son loves them."

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Sunday Funday

While I do enjoy an occasional Sunday Funday Cubs game or drinking with friends, my Sundays are usually reserved for so much more.  I thought I would let you all in on the true meaning of what a Sunday is supposed to be...lazy and magical.

9 am: Wake up and realize what time it is, and go back to sleep because why the fuck are you up at 9 am on a Sunday?

Noon: Wake up again only because you have to pee. Do so, remove pants, and return to bed.

12:30 pm: Check all forms of social media and delete every un-flattering photo you thought looked , "OMG so cute!" last night. Thanks a heap, vodka.

1 pm: Time for breakfast: String cheese, 47 Teddy Grahams, a piece of beef jerky, and a handful of blue cheese olives.

1:10 pm: Turn on the TV and watch re-runs of Boy Meets World or Saved by the Bell and wonder why they just don't make quality children's shows like they used to.

1:30 pm: Spend the next two hours googling all your favorite former child stars to see where they are now (Shawn Hunter is still a babe, while Judy Winslow is turning tricks on film).

3:30 pm: Too much activity. Take a three to four hour nap.

7:00 pm: Dinner time. Spend at least a hour on Grub Hub. Can't decide what to order. Settle on Ramen since it takes 3 minutes, and you are about ready to eat your cat.

8:00 pm: Time to watch vampire porn aka "True Blood."

9:00 pm: Think about taking a shower, but decide it is too much effort. No one is around to smell you anyway.

9:05 pm: Decide to start watching a new TV series on Netflix.

2:00 am: One more episode...

3:40 am: Get into bed and cry yourself to sleep since you have to be at work in a few hours.

Another successful Sunday.