Thursday, February 28, 2013

Girls, Girls, Girls.

I got a little taste of Karma today...

I  sat on my on my phone and shattered the glass screen.  Yes folks, my ass has taken on such a life of its own the sheer size/weight of it has become capable of crushing iPhones. Sure, I am used to constantly splitting my pants, but that is only because clothing companies have yet to cater to girls with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face.

I suspect my bad mojo has something to do with a recent Facebook post I made about Lena Duhnam.  If you watch "Girls" then you know where this is headed.  If not, don't worry, you can still keep up.  

After watching the past few episodes, I simply stated how I too, need to write a television show (which I also star in) so I can make myself irresistible to numerous men even if I am 20 pounds over weight and not very attractive.  

Even though it sounds harsh, it was meant to be less of a personal attack on her size or physical appearance but rather more on her ego. Her weight is not what bothers me about the show.   It's not even her constant nudity. I probably weigh at least 15 pounds less than her, yet I personally wouldn't subject an audience of five to my naked body let alone millions of viewers, but hey, that's just me. If she feels that comfortable in her own skin, more power to her, although I think I sound better than Adele in the shower, but that doesn't mean I should put out an album.

I am probably going to break the next chair I sit in for that last line...

My real issue with her is more along the lines of...if you are going to write a show called "Girls" with the notion that your audience will relate to said girls, you needs to make the show realistic. No believes that a girl most people would consider average could score as much ass as she does...sometimes really hot, doctor ass at that.  I like to think that if I spend a good 3, maybe 4 hours getting ready, I am a solid 8, and there is no way I could pull Dr. McDreamy from a few episodes back (and I'm packing some serious cleavage in my corner too). 

If you have not seen the show, let me catch you up to speed with a couple of images from that specific episode so you will stop thinking I am a total asshole...

This is her character Hannah,

and this is the doctor who was supposedly smitten with her instantly.

See what I mean?
I am pretty sure even if you are a guy, you would still rather have sex with him.

Don't get me wrong, I do love the show and think Lena is a very talented writer, actress, and producer. She can make her character get naked every episode and promote positive self-esteem and healthy body images for all of woman kind. She can even make Hannah have tons of sex with a plethora of guys, but it's going to be more realistic if it's with the Kevin Smiths of the world. She really needs to realize we aren't buying it otherwise...

She started out as a writer just like me so on that note, if I ever get the chance to write/star in my own show, I am going to call it, "I fucking wish" and cast Ryan Gosling as my husband.  

Friday, February 22, 2013

A day in the thoughts of Stephanie

Like my quote book, I keep another journal where I sometimes scribble down thoughts for future blog ideas.  Even though I have been so busy debating throwing out everything I own packing up my life for my move next week, I thought I would still give you friends some weekend entertainment.

So on that note, here a few random thoughts from this week...

I wish I was a cat so I could sleep all day, and it would be perfectly acceptable to be an asshole at random.

Those boys from One Direction sure are cute.
Am I a cougar?
Fuck I'm a cougar.
Wait, I think you have to be over 35 to be a cougar...
How old am I now?
It's hard to remember when you constantly lie about your age.

You can't get hungover if you never stop drinking.

I really want to kick that person who is bending over in the ass.
Am I am asshole?
Fuck. I am an asshole.

I wonder how many days I would have to give up food to be as thin as Natalie Portman.

Meanwhile, rich people are eating food infused with gold while I am over here eating Ramen directly out of the pot since all my bowls are dirty.

I just saw a guy with a neck tattoo and thought, "Yum."
What is wrong with me that the more degenerate a guy looks, the hotter I think he is?
Why can't I be attracted to guys named "Brock" or "Donovan" who have popped collars and Swiss bank accounts?
I'm sorry Mom.

I will spend 75 dollars to win that toy that is only worth about a buck fifty because it's the principle, and I'll show you who's boss.

Why did I buy these Oreos?
Oh yeah, for my "cheat day."
Stop lying to yourself, every day is your cheat day.
Damn it.
Well, it's probably best I eat the entire bag, you know, to get them out of the house.

When Taco Bell says "Fourth Meal," don't they really mean "Drunkfast?"

When no one is around I like to jump on my bed and make animal shadow puppets.
Next person who tells me to grow up is not allowed in my fort.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Other things I enjoy.

More things I enjoy...If you missed my first list, you can find it here.

  • Parallel parking in a spot the exact size of your car, especially if other people saw you do it because you know what they were thinking.  
  • Seeing celebrities without make up.  Stars, they're just like us!  Tired and shitty looking.
  • When you check behind the shower curtain and no one is there to murder you.
  • Running into you ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend and realizing you are actually way better looking than she is, and you are not just telling yourself that this time.
  • Laughing so hard you almost pee your pants.
  • Not being able to breathe after your friend actually does.
  • Waking up with out a hangover when let's be honest, you totally deserve one (maybe two).
  • Looking back at old photos, seeing how ridiculous you looked, and remembering how fabulous you thought you were.
  • Feeling like Martha fucking Stewart because you cooked something that didn't come out of a box for once. 
  • Beef jerky.  No joke here.  I am dead serious when it comes to beef jerky.
  • Entering the house after a long night out, being able to throw your heels into oblivion, and screaming,"I hate you! I never want to see you again!" while you do.
  • Text message conversations so witty they should be a dialogue on a sitcom or we should at least get a reality show since we are so much more entertaining than those Hills bitches.
  • That perfect sleeping position where are you are so comfortable you could die and you wouldn't care if you did as long as you get to sleep like that forever.  
  • Singing along to your favorite song, at the top of your lungs, with the windows down and not giving a single fuck who hears.
  • When someone asks if you have lost weight when really you have just gotten better at hiding your fat.
  • Being drunk and thinking you can dance like Beyonce'.  
  • Being super drunk and knowing you can.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Boobs and burgers.

A guy I follow on twitter posted this picture of Kate Upton.

He proceeded to make fun of her "saggy" boobs and call her fat.  He also said she looks two months pregnant. First off, if this is two months pregnant then I must look full term. Second, her boobs are real...and huge...and you know what real boobs do there buddy?  They sag. They also bounce, which is something fake ones do not. If you had ever seen any in real life, you would know.  Keep calling girls fat, and you may never get the chance.

For those of you who were unaware of who Kate Upton was before this post, she is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Let me catch you up to speed with a few more photos...

I probably just lost the majority of my guy readers since most of them had to go um, handle some business real quick...

I would literally murder a family of five to look like her so imagine my dismay hearing someone call this hot piece of ass "fat." I was so distraught over the idea that anyone could think she was less than perfect, that I took the topic to my Facebook, only to have a couple more guys chime in on her weight calling her, "skinny fat" or "pudgy." Um, WHAT?! If she is going to be deemed "skinny fat" then I must be considered "fat fat", since I look like I ate her for breakfast.

I googled/looked at pictures of her (longer than I would like to admit as a straight woman) and then down at my own stomach. For a brief second I considered never eating anything ever again, but then I decided to go ahead and finish the birthday day cake I was having for dinner because fuck it. If someone who looks like her is going to be labeled as pudgy, there is no hope for the rest of us ladies anyway.

Kate and I do have one thing in common though.  I mean besides both being in Maxim's, "Hot 100" last year...neither of us give one single fuck about what anyone thinks about our weight. She is too busy cashing millions dollar checks to care if Joe Schmo thinks she needs to lose a few pounds, I am far too busy enjoying life to care if my thighs touch, and we are both too busy having awesome boobs to care about what the scale says. I really don't think she is getting kicked out of bed for eating crackers, and I know plenty of men at least three guys who want to watch me perform an epic drum solo on my belly.

Personally, I could probably be ten pounds lighter if I stopped eating cheeseburgers like it was my mother fucking job, but I refuse to give them up/diet for fear I'll lose my rack. Everyone knows that's the first thing to go, and that's just not a risk I'm willing to take...

So on that note I say, give me Kuma's or give me death!

You're welcome.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Super, Mega, Awesome, Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Valentine's day is around the corner, and I bet most of you are wondering what to get your significant others.  There are obvious choices like chocolates, flowers, and jewelry, but if want to show your lover they mean the world to you, don't insult them with some boring, run of the mill present.  Give them something that mirrors how one of a kind they actually are.

Here are a few suggestions for those of you wondering what to get me your better half this upcoming V day...

Giving 'playing with yourself in the shower' a whole new meaning.

Probably the only way any of us will ever get our hands on him.

Now you can pray to Jesus and Mr. Pink simultaneously.  You'll have so much extra time for activities.

Why yes it is Lionel, and I want to drink it all night long.

Is this real life?

Stop destroying the furniture and start dropping some beats.

S'Morrissey pillow

Even The Pope of Mope couldn't cry himself to sleep on this cushion of awesomeness.

No seriously, I need this.

So there you have it.  With choices like these you can skip the boring chocolate or roses this Valentine's day...unless of course, they are made out of bacon...

Friday, February 8, 2013

Sometimes, I enjoy things.

Hello friends (and those who just randomly stumbled upon my blog by googling "drunk" or "boobs").  How the hell are you? I am super swell. Despite all my sassy posts about all the things that piss me off, I do enjoy things from time to time...I mean, other than drinking.  I thought I would make a list of some of these things since I like making lists.

See, there's one.

Alright, just to prove I'm not always grumpy, and most days the sun does in fact, shine directly out of my's a bunch of stuff that makes me smile...

  • Eating like shit all weekend, but somehow losing 3 pounds. Fuck Atkins. It's all about the cheeseburger diet.
  • When someone cuts you off only to have you pull up next to them at a red light.  Don't forget to clap and congratulate the fast and the furious on beating you a dead halt.
  • Getting a bag of mostly red/pink Starburts.  Why do the other flavors even exist?
  • When a song from a million years ago comes on the radio, and you remember a time in your life where something good happened.  Plus, remembering all the words makes you realize your memory is still in tact after all that anticipated brain damage from abusing your youth.
  • Falling asleep in your make up and not waking up looking like a Plan B advertisement.
  • Nutella.
  • More Nutella.
  • I want to cover my life in Nutella.
  • Discovering that someone you hated in high school got fat, bald, divorced, divorced because they got fat and bald, ugly, or they have aged terribly. Bonus for all of the above.
  • Having so much fun you stay awake until 6 am without falling asleep in your pancakes.
  • When you google something totally random, but it finishes the sentence for you so you know you aren't the only weirdo in the world.
  • Finding money amongst your clothes in the dryer. It's like you just got paid to do your laundry.
  • Throwing out a "That's what she said," at the most perfectly inappropriate moment.
  • When you fly past a cop doing 75 in a 40 zone, and he doesn't pull you over...or you are wearing a really low cut shirt if he does. 
  • When you make up a word in "Words with Friends," but it's real and worth a zillion points. 
  • Finding an onion ring in your french fries.  Currently, this is the only ring I am interested in.

*Remember to read this blog the next time you finish screaming at your/other people's kids, threatening to drive them off a cliff if they don't stop will cheer you up.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

This is why I drink.

HGTV.  I get it. My apartment will never be as nice as some of the garages you show on your network. I am not looking for a summer home in Hawaii between $600,00-800,000 either.  I can not build, sand, paint, or refurnish anything yet I continue to watch you from my Craigslist couch in my Ikea filled living room.  Thanks for making me feel inadequate as always. Maybe after "House Hunter's International" I'll watch a gourmet cooking show on the Food Network while I heat up my Hot Pocket.

Moving.  Why do I have so much shit? Where did it come from? I don't remember buying this. Or twelve of them. I'm not even sure what this is, but I need it. That too. And that. Fuck it, throw everything out. Wait, but not that. Or that. Did we pack the vodka yet?

Children's birthday parties. I don't have kids, so what makes you think I will be awake and/or not hungover on a Sunday afternoon?  If by chance I am mobile during daylight hours on the weekend, it is usually for a Bloody Mary brunch, not to watch a room full of toddlers pick their noses and drool on everything. The only reason I was even willing to deal with a dozen two year olds (on my day off) in the first place was for the cake you are letting your child devour like an animal.  Thanks again.