Dear God, Allah, Jesus, or anybody up there who is listening,
I solemnly swear to never drink again if you can cure me of my current condition. I am obviously dying, and I am positive without your help, nothing will ever make me feel better again. I have tried every remedy known to man, but as the day drags on, my condition is getting worse. I am afraid I am not going to make it.
Send my parents my love.
I know I have vowed to stop drinking on numerous occasions in the past, but I assure you this time, no truer words have ever been spoken. I even mean it more than last Sunday, and the ones before that when I promised to give up the devil’s juice for good.
Please cleanse me of my ailment, so I may begin feeding the homeless, fostering shelter dogs, and working on a cure for cancer.
Thank you in advance,
30 something year old me.
Please send pizza because I spent my rent money on tequila shots.
You’re the best,
20 something year old me.
My bargaining with various higher beings probably began shortly after my 30th birthday party and has continued nearly every weekend since.
Although it is hard to pin point the exact moment your body decides to turn on you, around 30 it takes away one of your most prized and under-appreciated possessions…the ability to drink all of the alcohol with little to no consequences.
If you are still in your 20s, enjoy it while you can because I promise, you will miss it when it’s gone…especially on Day 2 of your hangover. You could blend up a Gatorade, Pedialyte, and Advil smoothie, and not even that could save you.
Go ahead and forget about that “hair of the dog” shit too because the sheer thought of trying to cure your hangover by drinking more alcohol will make you vomit, again. Oh, and in case you were wondering how many times a person can throw up and not actually die, the limit does not exist.
Delayed recovery time isn’t the only thing that drastically changes as you get older. Let us not forget about...
Pre-gaming. In your 20s, this is an ingenious plan to get drunker, faster, and for cheaper. In your 30s, this idea is stored in the part of your memory with your crush on Freddie Prinze Jr. You have probably forgotten he even existed up until this moment. Same is probably true of purse flasks and Jagger bombs.
I’d like to say by the time you turn 30, shots become a thing of the past, but many wasted Sundays have taught me otherwise. However, when you are in your 20s you take shots in order to get wasted, and when you are in your 30s, you take them because you are wasted. Intoxicated o’clock is the only time these evil fuckers seem like a good idea. If only your sober self could tell your 2 am self to avoid them like the plague, or worse, well liquor…
Remember your previous excitement in your 20s when you “won” a free open bar party? Now older and wiser, someone would have to pay me to attend one of those shit shows. If given the option of drinking vodka out of a plastic bottle or my toilet, I may “Orange is the New Black” it…as long as it’s Ketel One.
Also, if you’re anything like me, your preferred type of alcohol in your 20s was “cold,” but in your 30s nothing excites you more than craft beers and cocktails.
Maple Bacon Ale?!
Lavender infused egg foam with honey comb Hibiscus leaves?!
Bring. It. On.
If it has six or more ingredients, I am all over it… just as long as I can drink it somewhere with more chairs than there are people.
Clubs? What are these things you speak of? Are they similar to pre-gaming? I am not familiar…
Since turning 30, my favorite drinking spot has become my couch. The guest list is exclusive, there’s no dress code, and the wine selection is extensive. And who said there are no advantages to aging?