Whelp. It’s happened again. Another relationship bit the bullet. Just when you got cocky and thought you could slide through winter gaining weight and bingeing Netflix, instead you have to retire your sweats and pretending you like going out.
Don’t panic. You have been here before and made it through virtually unscathed. Before you can get past this split and move on there are a few things you’re probably going to do. It won’t be pretty, but don’t be ashamed because you are not alone in your madness.
These are the twelve stages girls go through after a break-up…
1. Talk a lot of shit.
I am talking copious amounts of shit. It’s the shit talking Olympics, and you are going for the gold.
Get your girlfriends in on this. Bring snacks. Think a book club where you all hated the book so much, you want to throw it in a fire.
Just to clarify, I don’t condone burning your ex alive, but reminding yourself of how many orgasms you faked can’t hurt anything but his ego.
2. Eat your feelings.
Sometimes the only thing to comfort you is comfort food so dive straight into its arms, girl. You will have plenty of time to cry into salads when you’re middle aged so shovel some deep fried goodness into your pie hole, and cover it with ranch and cheese while you’re at it.
3. Get a revenge body.
Sometimes you take solace in a never-ending pasta bowl and other times you do the exact opposite and take that aggression out at the gym. Go on, and replace sex with working out so you become really hot and then people will want to have sex with you. It’s fool proof.
4. Get rid of everything he gave you or that reminds you of him.
Except that really cute sweater that makes your boobs look great. Or that expensive handbag because hey, you earned it for all those years of dealing with his bullshit. Ok maybe that necklace can stay too, but that picture where you look kind of fat but he looks cute has to go. Burn it.
5. Fall down the emo rabbit hole.
After every break up I like to play a little game called, “Listen to every depressing song in existence and see how close I can come to killing myself without actually doing it.”
I’m talking Bon Iver followed by Dashboard Confessional sad here people.
No one really wins this game per se, but I like to think of it as going to the dentist; It’s uncomfortable and painful, but you have to suck it up and get it over with because you will feel super refreshed after.
Also, you should floss. No metaphor here, just a friendly reminder.
6. Drastically change your appearance.
You’re upset. Angry. Confused. Irrational. Now seems like the perfect time to cut those bangs you spent half your teenage years trying to grow out. In your bathroom. With dull kitchen shears. Maybe pick up some boxed dye so you can really get the party started.
7. Bang someone else.
I’m pretty sure Confucius said, “The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.” There is no guarantee you won’t feel worse after, but it’s really hard to think about how miserable you are when all the blood is rushing to your lady parts.
8. Become a creep.
Have you ever stalked someone’s social media so hard you end up back at your own profile? Nah, me neither, and I surely couldn’t tell you his new girlfriend’s second grade teacher’s name either.
9. Get the fuck out of dodge.
Pack up your problems and take them half way around the world. You’ll probably still be bummed, but being sad on a beach with a tiny umbrella in your drink sure beats doing it on your couch.
10. Retail therapy.
Go ahead, and treat yo’self to some things you don’t need with money you don’t have to cheer yourself up. Make sure whatever you buy is really tight or low cut so he knows what he’s missing just in case you run into him in public, even though without fail, it will be on the day you look like you’ve been hit by a truck.
11. Replace human contact with alcohol.
Who needs a significant other when you have wine? And Vodka. And Whiskey. They can keep you warm at night too. Plus, if you drink enough you will forget all about your shitty ex, as well as where you put your phone, or how you got home. Meh, you win some, you lose some.
12. Begrudgingly re-activate your dating apps
Who knows how many potential bachelors you have missed out on while wasting your time with Captain Fuck Boy. You should probably swipe through a thousand just to make sure it’s just as terrible as when you left.
At least there are always Ben and Jerry.