Monday, November 13, 2017

The 12 Stages every girl goes through after a break up.

Whelp. It’s happened again. Another relationship bit the bullet. Just when you got cocky and thought you could slide through winter gaining weight and bingeing Netflix, instead you have to retire your sweats and pretending you like going out.

Don’t panic. You have been here before and made it through virtually unscathed. Before you can get past this split and move on there are a few things you’re probably going to do. It won’t be pretty, but don’t be ashamed because you are not alone in your madness.

These are the twelve stages girls go through after a break-up…

1.    Talk a lot of shit.

I am talking copious amounts of shit. It’s the shit talking Olympics, and you are going for the gold.

Get your girlfriends in on this. Bring snacks. Think a book club where you all hated the book so much, you want to throw it in a fire.

Just to clarify, I don’t condone burning your ex alive, but reminding yourself of how many orgasms you faked can’t hurt anything but his ego.

2.    Eat your feelings.

Sometimes the only thing to comfort you is comfort food so dive straight into its arms, girl. You will have plenty of time to cry into salads when you’re middle aged so shovel some deep fried goodness into your pie hole, and cover it with ranch and cheese while you’re at it.

3.    Get a revenge body.

Sometimes you take solace in a never-ending pasta bowl and other times you do the exact opposite and take that aggression out at the gym. Go on, and replace sex with working out so you become really hot and then people will want to have sex with you. It’s fool proof.

4.    Get rid of everything he gave you or that reminds you of him.

Except that really cute sweater that makes your boobs look great. Or that expensive handbag because hey, you earned it for all those years of dealing with his bullshit. Ok maybe that necklace can stay too, but that picture where you look kind of fat but he looks cute has to go. Burn it.

5.    Fall down the emo rabbit hole.

After every break up I like to play a little game called, “Listen to every depressing song in existence and see how close I can come to killing myself without actually doing it.”

I’m talking Bon Iver followed by Dashboard Confessional sad here people.

No one really wins this game per se, but I like to think of it as going to the dentist; It’s uncomfortable and painful, but you have to suck it up and get it over with because you will feel super refreshed after.

Also, you should floss. No metaphor here, just a friendly reminder.

6.    Drastically change your appearance.

You’re upset. Angry. Confused. Irrational. Now seems like the perfect time to cut those bangs you spent half your teenage years trying to grow out. In your bathroom. With dull kitchen shears. Maybe pick up some boxed dye so you can really get the party started.

7.    Bang someone else.

I’m pretty sure Confucius said, “The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.”  There is no guarantee you won’t feel worse after, but it’s really hard to think about how miserable you are when all the blood is rushing to your lady parts.

8.    Become a creep.

Have you ever stalked someone’s social media so hard you end up back at your own profile? Nah, me neither, and I surely couldn’t tell you his new girlfriend’s second grade teacher’s name either.

9.    Get the fuck out of dodge.

Pack up your problems and take them half way around the world. You’ll probably still be bummed, but being sad on a beach with a tiny umbrella in your drink sure beats doing it on your couch.

10. Retail therapy.

Go ahead, and treat yo’self to some things you don’t need with money you don’t have to cheer yourself up. Make sure whatever you buy is really tight or low cut so he knows what he’s missing just in case you run into him in public, even though without fail, it will be on the day you look like you’ve been hit by a truck.

11. Replace human contact with alcohol.

Who needs a significant other when you have wine? And Vodka. And Whiskey. They can keep you warm at night too. Plus, if you drink enough you will forget all about your shitty ex, as well as where you put your phone, or how you got home. Meh, you win some, you lose some.

And finally,

12. Begrudgingly re-activate your dating apps

Who knows how many potential bachelors you have missed out on while wasting your time with Captain Fuck Boy. You should probably swipe through a thousand just to make sure it’s just as terrible as when you left.

At least there are always Ben and Jerry.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Where to take your awful Tinder date.

I have been doing some freelance writing for various websites so I haven't had a ton of time to write for fun. I am going to start posting some of them on here so you at least have something to read until I can get back into my shenanigans. Here is one I just wrote for Matador. Enjoy!

Despite your better judgement, you begrudgingly made a Tinder profile. You swiped until your fingers bled. You made a few matches and had a few awkward conversations. Just when you were about to delete the app for the 7th time, the Tinder stars aligned, and someone didn’t say anything too stupid. Next step, meeting up to make sure you haven’t been cat-fished.

But what does one do? Where do you go? You don’t want to ruin the magic of having not received an unsolicited dick pic by suggesting the wrong place. Thank God you have me to take you away from that life.

If you’re anything like me, you enjoy a good cocktail, and one of my favorite spots to consume fancy beverages in peace is Billy Sunday in Logan Square. It’s quaint. It’s posh. It’s dark (score for those week night meet ups when you’ve been up since six and have enough baggage under your eyes to take a trip around the world).

Best of all, even if your date sucks you can still get loaded off some of the tastiest mixed drinks in Chicago without likely running into anyone you know. Plus, it’s located down the street from another one of my favorite cocktail bars, Deadbolt, in case you want to cut out early to meet up with friends without springing for another Uber.

I am more of a “Tell me something terrible about yourself,” on the first date kind of girl, so I like to keep things light. Dating seems like an interview for a job you’ll probably quit in a week so why not try to keep each other from having a panic attack during the interrogation process by doing something entertaining?

Since you’re already in Logan Square, why not head over to Logan Hardware which is a non-douchey version of other arcade bars in Chicago. They have pinball galore and numerous multi-player games to show off your skills because if there is one thing the opposite sex likes, it’s a getting their ass handed to them at Street Fighter.

You could also hit up Diversey Rock’n’Bowl or Waveland Bowl for some good old fashioned fun. Bowling is always a nice option since it’s acceptable to do it drunk, and you can check out their butt a lot without them noticing.

Are you really smart or just a dumbass who is full of useless information? Then why not hit up a Trivia night? A really fun, non-pretentious one is “Geeks who Drink” at The Rocking Horse. The questions aren’t as hard as some other trivia so you most likely won’t embarrass yourself. I make no guarantees though.

If you are looking for a little more commitment and are actually prepared to share a meal, don’t make it too complicated. Italian will give you both garlic breath so forget about that good night kiss, and sushi will leave you awkwardly trying to talk about yourselves with a mouth full of rice. I mean seriously, has anyone ever looked sexy shoveling rolls of fish into their face?

My go-to dinner date spot is CafĂ©’ Ba-Ba- in Lincoln Park for tapas as they are bite sized, and the menu is extensive in case you have some ridiculous dietary restriction you don’t want to scare your date off with just yet. Mentioning you are a gluten free vegan who only eats organic while watching your macro intake will not get you laid…

Plus, as an added bonus, the sangria menu is just as lengthy so you can have wine and get your daily dose of vitamins. Two birds, people.

If it’s nice out, grab a bite outside and pretend winter isn’t coming for the next 9 months. Honey Butter Fried Chicken or The Orbit Room (both in Avondale) have great patios where it’s easier to grab a seat than anything in Wicker Park. The General in Logan Square has one out back that most people are unaware exists and tacos. Tuesdays they are also half off if you are poor but still want to impress her. Play dumb when you arrive.

Alright folks. You have activities, food, and booze. I have given you all the tools for a success Tinder date. All you have to do now is try not be a creep or be extra creepy if they are into that…

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Sorry I have been MIA

Hey friends, family, and random internet stalkers!

Sorry I haven't been around for a few months, but I have been crazy busy with life, work, moving, etc.

I am traveling for a bit this month, but when I come back, I will have some new blogs for you guys.

I have been working on a few, but I never publish them until they seem just right.

I have missed you.

Stay tuned.



Friday, March 10, 2017

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

If you are anything like me, you enjoy a good cocktail.

There are so many varieties and endless reasons to consume them too. Brunch? Bloody Marys and Mimosas, of course. Long day at work? Have a glass of wine. Celebrating an accomplishment? Champagne, what else?! You put on pants today? You deserve a beer!

I never really thought twice about having multiple cocktails on a Saturday night, (unless you count regretting it numerous times Sunday morning) because that is just what people do; they go out on the weekends, and they drink. No matter what your plans entail, alcohol is always available and always delicious.

I began to realize things were getting a little Lindsay Lohan circa 2010 when Saturday nights turned into Sunday Fundays which then became followed by, “Dear God it’s Monday already, and I could really use a drink.” Soon after came margaritas accompanying Taco Tuesday, and there was always a happy hour somewhere on Wednesday. Thursdays quickly became the new Saturdays, and what was I supposed to do? Sit at home on a Friday night?!

Chicago winters can be pretty dismal, and I suddenly found myself out nearly every evening for no other reason than sheer boredom. Although I am rarely the girl who gets wasted, I was in fact, putting back several each night, and no matter how much I tried to deny my new found hobby was becoming an issue, my morning headache and bank account were there to remind me.

I decided to scale it back, but first, I was going to begin with a 30-day detox. Part of me wanted to befriend my liver, and part of me wanted to see if I could actually do it.

Rather than bore all of you with the details of things I did to occupy my time (I may or may not have alphabetized my collection of DVDs I should have just thrown in the fucking trash), I thought I would share some insight as to what being sober entails in case you wish to try it out for yourself.

I like to refer to my temporary detox as “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly,” and this is what I learned during my month of sobriety…

Everything is terrible if you’re not drinking.

On a recent night out, a DJ went from Aerosmith's "Dude looks like a lady" to "Twist and Shout."

Drunk, either one or both of those could have quite possibly been "my jam."

Sober, I considered taking out a loan to buy the bar just to fire him.

You’re rich, bitch!

How many times during a night out did you discover a magic card of wonder in your pocket and use that piece of plastic to buy everyone you have ever met a shot?

Booze makes you forget you have actual bills to pay, and you wake up Sunday morning feeling like you drunk texted an ex. When you stop drinking, suddenly you have a ton of extra cash, and you can finally use it to buy something other than a hangover.

You will be bored as fuck.

About two days in to my detox, I begin to wonder, “What do people who don’t drink actually do!?” Sure you can go out to eat or catch a movie, but after a few nights of both, you will need to get creative. Arcades, and Bowling, and Laser Tag, oh my!

Your house will be spotless. You may even exercise! Shit will get crazy!
Your patience will be tested.

Suddenly every drunk person in your presence will become the worst person you have ever met.

Remember when you used to befriend girls you met in the bathroom or listen to someone tell you the same story forty seven times yet remain intrigued throughout each version? When you are sober you will want to murder anyone who even tries to talk to you…or bumps into you…or even looks in your direction.

You will want to go home early.

There was a time when the lights would come on during last call, and all I would feel is sheer disappointment as I wasn’t ready to call it a night until the sun came up. Well have you ever been to a 4 am bar, sober? Last weekend, I made that rookie mistake.

They say giving up the devil’s juice will fill you with energy, but I promise that is not true. Being annoyed with literally everyone and everything is exhausting, and you will miss your bed almost as much as your beverage of choice.

You will lose weight.

Everyone knows alcohol is full of empty calories, but let’s be honest, that is not the main thing shattering your skinny jeans.

When you’re wasted, you get hungry. When you get hungry, you eat; and what is there to eat at 4 am? Mexican food and pizza. Plus, when you are drunk, you don’t ever actually get full, you just get tired of eating.  Sober, you know better and just go to sleep rather than shame eat mystery street meat outside the bar.

Everyone is less attractive than you once thought.

We all know beer goggles are a real thing, and Intoxicated-ville is just a stop on the way to Pound town. Once you stop drinking, you will realize how shitty drunk people actually look, and it will prevent you from wanting to have sex with any of them. Being sober is great birth control.

Everybody will think you are pregnant.

It doesn’t matter if you’re already thin or even if you lost all that burrito weight; if you aren’t throwing them back, everyone will assume you’re knocked up. You will have to order decoy soda waters with lime over and over to ensure the bartender hates you, and people won’t assume you’ve been hoeing.

Nobody can dance.

Through my temporary sobriety I have discovered rhythm is a relative term. When you are hammered, you think you could dance back up for Shakira. Better yet, you are Shakira. Vodka and those hips don't lie, girl. When you are the only one not drinking, you quickly realize people at the bar are a little less Beyonce, and a little more Taylor Swift at the Grammy’s.

You will become a cheap date.

If you are training for the drinking Olympics like I was, you develop quite a tolerance. Once you take a little break and return to boozing, it’s like you are sipping wine coolers back in your parents’ basement. Catching a buzz off one drink is something I thought was about as possible as Ryan Gosling, ‘Hey Girl’ ing me in real life.

It won’t be pretty. It won’t be easy. You may fantasize about killing your closest friends, but in the end, only a few were harmed. Your insides will thank you, and really all you missed out on was a couple regrettable decisions and several cases of Gatorade.