Friday, April 25, 2014

More types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out.

Due to several requests for a part two, and since so many of my friends are borderline alcoholics, I decide to write another blog about the types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out.

There are just so many, how could I not?!

(You can read part one here.)

 So I present to you, even more types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out…

The “Non-Smoker”

This friend will lecture you on the dangers of smoking on a daily basis.  She constantly complains about the smell that follows you everywhere, yet once she gets a little tipsy, she is not only smoking your entire pack, she is walking up and the down street trying to buy cigarettes off people for a dollar.  By the end of the night she will sound like Scarlett Johansson and will have put the entire series of “Mad Men” to shame.

 The Lover

Once she slams a few cocktails she will start telling you about how you mean the world to her. It’s all so sweet until she gives the very same speech to each of your other friends. She really loves them as well. And that guy.  Every guy actually. Oh, and this bar. And that chair. The floor too.

Don’t forget about her new BFF (aka the bathroom attendant) who will be coming to eat with you guys later.

 Miss 1985.

This friend eats organically and refuses to take things like Advil sober, but half way through the bottle she is asking the bar back where she can score some Coke. It takes you a minute to realize she isn’t referring to the soft drink and that you are in an after school special.

Sleeping Beauty.

Or more like Sleeping Drooly, AM I RIGHT?  I’m here all week.

She is face down in a plate of nachos because you let her finish an entire bottle of wine with dinner, which happened to be approximately 6 pieces of sushi.  You brought this upon yourself you know…next time take her for double bacon cheeseburgers, and you won’t have to carry her up the three flights of stairs to her apartment.

The Baby Giraffe

While she once strutted in her six-inch heels, she is now carrying them.  They have betrayed her, much like her legs, and the ground beneath her feet.  Watching Bambi attempt to walk is oh so adorable, until you spend the next 40 minutes looking for her tooth.

Crazy eyes

One eye is focused on you while the other is about to break free from her face.  She may be composed in every other way, but her eyes tell the real story, which in this case is about how she’s a long lost relative of Steve Buscemi.

Honest Abe

Now you know why her hair was so big. 

Once she has some truth juice, all of her (and everyone else’s) deep dark secrets start coming out. Sure it’s fun to know all the hot gossip, until she spills the beans about the drunken time you made out with your friend’s little brother, who may or may not have been in high school.  Thanks a heap Captain Cosmo.

Luckily, she’s only one shot of Jamo away from telling the story about when Becky shit her pants in Puerto Vallarta, and you’re in the clear.

The Over Confident Drunk

Once she reaches that magical level of intoxicated, she suddenly thinks she is a Jack of all trades. She can be found trying to seduce a guy across the bar by grinding on a chair or attempting to sing karaoke although her voice sounds like dying cats mating. No matter how horrifying, you must endure every second so you can film it for YouTube just in case she breaks all her pinky promises to take things to the grave.

Bad Girl’s Club

This impatient drunk couldn’t be bothered to actually wait for a bartender to bring her a drink so she decided to grab a bottle and self -serve.  As you are getting thrown out while simultaneously apologizing to the bouncer, she can be found shouting obscenities at a garbage can that looked at her the wrong way.

 The Flasher

Sober, she is a lady who always bends at the knees and crosses at the ankle. Yeah, well, that was four mojitos and three lemon drops ago. Now she can’t seem to keep her lady parts contained.  She is currently ass up in the booth trying to locate her phone she dropped under the table, and when she finally emerges she will have at least one nipple exposed. 

Put her coat on backwards and tie it like a straight jacket before guys start throwing dollars her way. Better yet, start collecting those dollars because someone has to buy that bathroom attendant pizza.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

I know you are, but what am I?

Last night I went by my parents’ house for dinner.  My father asked me to set the table so I grabbed a handful of knives, forks, and plates and set them out.  My mom came out of the kitchen horrified that I forgot to include several items including the charger plates.

For those of you who don’t know what they are, don’t worry.  I am pretty sure only my mother and Martha Stewart keep several sets handy at all times. 

Basically, they are large, plastic plates you set the dish that contains your food upon, but the chargers themselves are not safe for direct food consumption. 

So yeah, you got it.  They are giant, useless, toxic plates not made to be eaten off of at all.

I pointed this out, but my mom insisted I use one regardless, along with two separate forks/knives, and cloth napkins.  I tried to inform her that the President was not coming to eat crappy Chinese food with us, but she just said, “When you get married and finally decide to become an adult, you will register for things like charger plates and understand.”

Psht. She doesn’t know me at all because the first thing I will register for is “Big Top Cupcake.”


Charger plates aren’t the only item that make you a grown up apparently. There is numerous other crap you can buy to get some adult street cred so I have composed a list (because that is what adults do, they make lists right?) of all the other items in your home that let you know you are officially a real functioning member of society, sort of.

An iron/ironing board. 

Because you finally realized Downy Wrinkle reducer doesn’t actually work, and using your Chi flat iron just won’t cut it anymore. The “effortless,  just rolled out of bed” look now only applies to your hair which actually took you 45 minutes to achieve. 

A garlic press.

If you specifically went out and bought one, you have actively decided the powdered version had become too juvenile for your exquisite palate, and you needed its real counterpart. More so, it means you are actually cooking something worthwhile and not just using an old Tupperware to heat up Spaghetti O’s anymore.

A juicer. 

You have always hated eating your vegetables, but now you decide to drink a shit load of them for breakfast so you will feel less guilty eating Pizza for every other meal for the rest of the week your


When you are actually able to keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet instead of just a dusty, half empty bottle of Peach Schnapps on top of your fridge, you are on your way to adulthood. However, you haven't arrived until you own…

Different glasses.

You no longer drink wine out of coffee mugs and everything else out of Red Solo cups (you don't want to admit you have washed more than once). You own a plethora of glassware including nice champagne glasses, even though you still can’t afford a decent bottle and only drink it on New Year's Eve to feel fancy.

An extra set of bed sheets.

Instead of washing your sheets, being too lazy to put them back on for days, and sleeping directly on your mattress like an animal, you have extra sheets you promptly apply. Bonus adult points if they aren’t Jersey or have a thread count above 300. If you have an actual bed skirt, coverlet, and shams as well, you should win some sort of award. 

A coffer maker.

One day you realized you actually had bills to pay so you broke up with your $10 a day Starbucks habit. Who needs a Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino when you can have Foldgers in your cup for mere pennies a day? 

You do. That’s why you buy the fancy creamers to hold you over until you get a bunch of gift cards from work on various holidays.

Furniture you didn’t have to put together.

There will come a time when a trip to Ikea will make you cry and just the mere thought of assembling a dresser will leave you wanting to kill yourself. You will never be able to avoid Swedish Hell on Earth entirely, but at least now you have all that liquor handy when your friends drag you there on a Saturday afternoon with the promise of "fifteen minutes tops" and a cinnamon roll. 

A paint color any form of beige.

I don’t care if it’s called “Eggshell". If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s beige, and you’re officially old. If everything else in the room is beige as well, you're Pottery Barn.

Paper goods.

When you have tissues in your bathroom, napkins in your kitchen, and toilet paper stocked in your home at all times, you are half way there. When you have finally established the difference and stop blowing your nose on paper towels, you have made it!

And last but not least…

Useless items.

If you have candles you never burn and soaps you will never use, congratulations, you are finally an adult. You might as well start watching your cholesterol and flossing twice daily. Just make sure not to dry your hands or face on the fancy towels.