Friday, November 30, 2012

This is why I drink.

Alarm clocks.  

Alarm clocks are the Devil Bobby.  Have you ever thought about this concept...I mean REALLY thought about it?  It is a device to jolt you awake from a sound is solely designed to scare (the shit out of) you awake. What a horrible way to wake up.  Since I didn't die of a heart attack this morning, I'm going to celebrate with a mimosa.

Weight loss commercials...  

Especially those where I look like the"before" picture.  Thanks for reminding me you lost 70 pounds while I am eating cake for dinner.  Now seems like the perfect time to pair my meal with a nice Riesling...

Meeting people for the first time/running into someone you haven't seen in awhile...  

Do you wave hello?  Handshake?  Hug?  What if they extend their hand while I am in mid wave? What if I am reaching out, but they aren't paying attention, and I'm left hanging? What if they move in for a hug while I am reaching for a handshake?  It's all so awkward.  Let's all get drunk and make it simple with high fives.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Santa can suck it!

So I know I am late to the party, but I just discovered Ebay.  It's not that I didn't know it existed (I wasn't living under a rock), I had just never gone to the site and bid on anything.  By the way, currently my definition of "anything," means everything.

No one previously told me Ebay is a magical internet land where you can find exactly what you are looking for and a whole heap of crap you aren't but now can't imagine your life without.

My path to bidding utopia began on accident.  I was getting an early start on my X-mas shopping and using Google to locate an item.  That crafty, little search engine knew exactly what it was doing when it suggested I visit Ebay to find it.  Just like millions before me, I walked right into its trap.

It's been three days, countless hours of lost sleep, and over a dozen dents to my credit card later, but I can't stop.  My purchases keep on getting more and more ridiculous, and by ridiculous, I mean awesome.  I can't post all of the things I purchased because they are gifts for friends who frequently read my blog, however I can post a few of the gifts for the ones who don't get online much.  Although now that I think about it, they probably don't deserve anything for not supporting their friend...

I can't explain the inside joke amazingness that goes along with each of these items, but you can still appreciate their face value...

The lucky recipient of this tender, little guy also gets a box full of Baby Ruth's.  Those of you who don't know me are kind of wishing you did right about now huh?

I will be able to sleep easy knowing this will be plastered all over my male friend's bedroom wall.  

How cute is this little pint sized rapper?  They had a Biggie too, but you know, west coast all day baby.

Um, what time is it? It's half past Hall...maybe a quarter to Oats?  It's amazing, that's what it is.

Did you just read that in your best Arnold voice?  If not, well now you have.  I bet you didn't know he made Christmas T-shirts.  Sing it...The more you knooooooooooooow!

The cat, the crown, the neon colors...I can't, I just can't... not buy this!  I have a friend who is going to hate me once she stops laughing and realizes I am going to make her actually wear this... 

On that note, if you need me from now on, I will be in front of my computer until my eyes bleed.  

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Hey thanks.

Ah yes.  It's that time of year again...Thanksgiving. A time where we celebrate all the things we are thankful for by stuffing our faces until we want to vomit, then waiting hours to digest so we can do it all over again.  Sure, you get to spend time with your family, and somewhere throughout the day there is football...but we all know what Thanksgiving really is: The Eating Olympics.

Personally, I have been training for this day all year.

Regardless of all the delicious food and sweet Black Friday sales, there is an actual point to this holiday.  We are supposed to express gratitude for all the good things in our lives. On that note, I thought I would share a few reasons I am thankful (besides the obvious: family, friends, etc)...

First and foremost, I am thankful for pants with elastic waistbands. After I shatter my skinny jeans tomorrow, they are going to be my new best friends until about oh, mid January.

Second, I am super thankful for alcohol.  If you know me, you knew this was coming, but it doesn't mean I am any less serious about my love and appreciation for vodka.  Vodka makes a bad day better.  It makes all family functions tolerable.  It even gives you something to blame for all your bad decisions.  It also makes you an amazing dancer (in your head), great in bed (so you think), and super hilarious (to yourself).  What's not to love?

I am also thankful for all those pictures of cats, dogs, or any animal really with the broken English/funny sayings on them. They are responsible for hours of entertainment and endless turning of frowns upside down.  

Scientists in a recent study I just made up said your day just got 27% better.  You're welcome.

I am always grateful for the casts of all the bad reality TV shows out there. See, every now and then when I am questioning my impact or place in this world, I can turn on my television and instantly feel better about my life choices because there are people out there who exist with absolutely no purpose at all, and people love them regardless.  The entire cast of The Jersey Shore is famous for being tan, drunk, animals.  Honey Boo Boo and clan gained popularity for being crazy hillbillies, while Kim Kardashian's claim to fame is having a big ass and a sex tape...I mean, if that's all it takes, well I'm already half way there (before you start googling my name looking for a video, I was referring to the junk in my trunk...).  

With people like this in the world...

I know that even if I don't cure cancer,  I am still not a complete waste of a human being...

And last but not least, I am thankful for Ryan Gosling.  That is all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Nothing really matters...

The world is coming to an end.

No, not because of the Mayan calender.
Not because of Dick Clark dying either.
Not even because of the "upcoming" zombie apocalypse.

The world is ending because there will be no more Twinkies...

And no this not a Zombieland reference (for those of you who have somehow missed out on the extreme awesomeness that is Zombieland, catch up on your cardio then watch and learn)...

Twinkies being discontinued means fat kids at heart like me are going to reek havoc looking for a replacement.  What kind of manufactured baked goods are we going to deep fry now?!  Don't even suggest that bitch, Little Debbie.  I don't trust her and think she somehow played a part in all of this...

Seriously, who wants to spend a small fortune on gourmet cupcakes when you can get a whole box of creme filled deliciousness for about $3? Why would I want to eat a fresh, slice of homemade pie when I can buy a convenient portable one filled with some kind of mystery, fruit syrup? Don't insult my mediocre taste palette by expecting me to eat things that actually expire in a timely manner.

Now when picking out the perfect collection of road trip food, (chips and/or combos, beef jerky and some sort of Hostess snack cake) something will be missing.  From here on out, every low budget vacation will be ruined before your significant other was even given the chance.  Go ahead, get us lost...our trip was doomed from the get-go, and life has lost all meaning anyway...

The end of Hostess means the end of an era. People of all ages grew up on their little pre-packaged pieces 
of heaven.  This lack of sweetness will leave a void in all of our borderline, diabetic hearts.  We should all morn this loss like a childhood pet...a spongy, delicious, childhood pet.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

You are an asshole.

If you are a pedestrian while I am driving,  you are an asshole (T-t-t-today Junior!)

If you are driving while I am a pedestrian,  you are also an asshole  (Pedestrians have the right of way bitch!)

If you are a cyclist who ignores the bike lane, you are an even bigger asshole, and I will fantasize about running you over.

If you NEVER carry ANY cash, you are an (inconvenient for everyone else) asshole.

If your child is just awful, but you constantly blame their bad behavior on the fact that they must be hungry or tired, you are an asshole...and so is your child.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Pants on fire...

I like to think of myself as a pretty decent human being.  I don't steal, or cheat, or break the law too often. Realistically, you can't expect me to walk all the way to the corner to cross the street.  I'd rather take my chances playing Frogger with reckless Chicago cab drivers before I walk an extra block in six inch heels.

Besides occasionally failing to abide by a few rules, my moral compass points due north.  I generally go out of my way to help people in need, and I try to do the right thing as much as possible.  I'm not saying I am a saint by any means, but I do try to be an honest person.  I'm not implying I never lie either, however when I do it's never regarding anything important.  I told a fib last night actually... "I'm not thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat drunk."

If you claim to be completely truthful all of the time, go get your driver's licence.  If you are a man, you are not that tall.  You may claim to be 5'11", but we all know you are 5'9" and decided to "round up."  Ladies, you can go ahead and add at least 10 pounds to whatever weight you claimed to be at the time it was issued.  Let's be honest, you haven't seen those numbers (at least in that order) since, but I don't see any of you rushing to the DMV to tell the world you have let yourself go.  I for one, haven't been the weight on mine since I had the stomach flu in 2005.

Think back to any job you have ever had where you called in "sick," but really meant, "hungover."  Technically you weren't feeling well.  True, you probably did have a headache, and I'm sure your throat actually did hurt (from all the vomiting) however, we both know telling your boss you took 16 tequila shots last night won't get you a big promotion so you stretch the truth bit.  No harm, no foul.

Have you ever had a personal trainer or a nutritionist? If so you probably had to keep a food diary, and you for sure, are a liar.  Telling your trainer you had a momentary lapse in judgement today at brunch is one thing,  putting in writing that you ate an entire bag of Cheetos dipped in Nutella at 2 AM is another. You don't want him thinking you are fat and pregnant, especially because you are already getting judged for your alcohol consumption...

If you are a man, then you have absolutely told a lie to every woman in your life, hence why you are alive and able to read this.  You wouldn't tell your mother her cooking was sub par or your girlfriend that she did in fact look fat in that dress. You have even pretended to like all of her friends including (but not limited to) the obnoxious drunk one who always ends the night in tears and/or vomit,  the one who sleeps with all your friends then constantly asks why none of them want to date her, and the one so insane you wonder how she is legally allowed to live alone.

We all tell white lies to keep society running smoothly.  Don't feel bad.  It's perfectly acceptable so the next time your friend asks you if you like her new haircut, you don't have to tell her it looks like a drunk Gary Busey got scissor happy.  Honesty is not always the best policy.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Stephanie for president.

A lot of people have been asking me if I was going to blog about the election and/or its results, and to be honest, I had not planned it.  Politics are a serious/touchy topic, and you should all know by now, I prefer to talk about shit that has no real affect on anyone's life whatsoever. However, things were getting ugly in the Facebook world so I figured why not address the issue on everyone's mind in my own way?

I am not going to talk about who I voted for or why the one I didn't is an ass.  Instead, I want to take a minute to talk about a general idea...winning an election is really about one thing: making promises to do things people want done.  It's a simple concept really.  Whether or not you actually do those things is irrelevant (unless you want to be re-elected), but overall, it's the promise of doing that brings hope... and votes.  I mean seriously, if you don't plan to campaign again, why not just take it to the next level?  On that should all vote for me in the next election.  Here are a few things I can "promise" if I win...

If I am elected president, I will get everyone a puppy.  That's right.  I'll be like Oprah up in here..."You get a puppy.  You get a puppy.  EVVVVVVVERYBODY gets a puppy!"  Not a dog lover?  "Who wants a kitten?!  You get a kitten!  You get a kitten!  EVERYBODY gets a kitten!"  If you don't like either, you are shit out of luck because I am not giving away free turtles too.

If elected I can guarantee the better something tastes, the fewer calories it will have and the better it will be for you.  Scientists at The White House (yes, we have those in the Lincoln bedroom now) have discovered a loophole in the system so from now on personal trainers will encourage you to eat nothing but pizza and french fries, cupcakes filled with cookie dough will be the latest health food craze, while lettuce will give you a fat ass.  Cheeseburgers will become an essential to any weight loss plan, and we will blame shit like beets for America's obesity epidemic.  Those damn beets.

I just solved all our weight issues, so I have decided to replace most staircases with slides and/or fireman poles. Elevators are boring, and people are always getting stuck in them anyway.  We are all thinner and healthier so it's time to have a little fun. On a side note, I will also require any place that is boring as shit, to have arcade games and/or ball pit rooms. Now you don't have to dread going to the DMV because you can hunt ducks or throw barrels at monkeys while you wait. A better America, one pinball machine at a time...

So the next time you are puppy/kitten-less, eating a crappy salad when you really want a hot dog, or stuck taking the stairs like a chump, remember this blog.

Stephanie for president 2016

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Sugar Hooker.

Hi, my name is Stephanie, and I'm addicted to sugar.  Some may argue I am also addicted to alcohol, but that's neither here nor there.  I will however, openly admit to being head over heels infatuated with that sweet nectar of life: sucrose.  It wasn't until recently when I was consuming Halloween candy for breakfast that it hit me how bad my obsession has actually gotten. Sure, lots of people enjoy dessert after a savory meal or crave occasional sweets, but my addiction goes way beyond that...I would mainline sugar if I could.

You can't. I looked it up.


I'm kidding.  I can't even use a Neti-pot.

Over the years, I have tried desperately to rid all delicious toxins from my life.  I tested every approach known to man.  I tried to wean myself off slowly, cutting my consumption a little each day so ideally, I would not crave sweets anymore. All that left me with was a sheer sense of panic leading me to spiral out of control on my final day.  Turns out, it is possible to eat an entire "death by chocolate" cake and not die.

I thought my next approach was genius...what if I purposely binge?  My logic was simple; If I consumed a plethora of desserts in one sitting, I would get sick, therefore turning myself off the junk for good. I used a similar approach in college and haven't touched Jagermeister since.  The only problem here was the discomfort of my sugar coma was like a short lived soon as I felt better I was elbow deep in candy bars.  Instead of waking up in a stranger's bed, I woke up with strangers in my own...Mr. Goodbar, The Three Musketeers, Mike & can't "walk of shame" your way out of that one either.

I even tried the most obvious approach, quitting cold turkey.  This lasted for about 12 hours, and I feel bad for anyone that came into contact with me during that dark period...shit got ugly.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, although I have no intent on completing the other 11. I have a problem I am not trying to solve, but rather keep under control. So far I haven't hit rock bottom, however, don't be surprised if you see me turning tricks for Twinkies in the near future...

Friday, November 2, 2012

This is why I drink.

I know you saw the title so you were expecting to see things that agitate me so badly they lead me to alcoholism, but I also want to drink when things are just going my way. This week I thought I would list some things that make me so happy, I just want to pair them up with an alcoholic beverage.  Who doesn't like a celebratory cocktail?

When you go out to eat, have something amazing, and have left overs.  Some how you managed to not inhale all of the culinary masterpiece that made your taste buds dance. The whole day at work, it's all you can think about because you can't wait to get home and relive the magic from last night.  Turn the lights down, have a glass of wine, and take your time.  You don't want to rush this...

Driving home from work and hitting every green light. Don't you just want to high five all your neighbors you pass on the way to your door?  You have 28 extra minutes of your life back so poor that glass of champagne.  It's a celebration, bitches.

The nights where you have about 19 drinks and 24 shots but wake up feeling great.  You even stocked up on Gatorade in anticipation of your demise, but hallelujah.  You're alive! It's a miracle you don't have a hangover, let alone alcohol poisoning so doesn't it make sense to reward yourself with a Bloody Mary?  Go ahead, you deserve it.