Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Types of Drunks Your Guy Friends Become on a Night Out.

Recently I wrote a blog about the different types of drunks my girlfriends become on a night out. Since I believe in equality among the sexes, and well, my male friends are sloppy alcoholics also, I decided to dedicate a special blog to them.

So without further ado, I present...

The types of drunks your guy friends become on a night out.

The Incredible Hulk.

Sober, he does push-ups on his knees, but once he downs a few drinks he suddenly develops super strength and only uses it for evil. He crushes beer cans, smashes mailboxes, and destroys anything and everything along your path really…which is a loooong walk home since you can't get a cab because he's carrying an uprooted stop sign.

Digress to College Drunk.

This guy wants you to “Chug! Chug! Chug!” everything including your glass of Merlot. Whether he is bouncing quarters into everyone’s drink or depantsing your buddy, you are always left wondering not only how he managed to graduate in the first place but how he dresses himself every morning as well.

The Naked Guy.

There is always that one male friend who constantly finds an excuse to get naked.  “Is it hot in here or just me.” Neither. Now put your pants back on before you get tasered again.

Chef Boyrdee.

He can’t make toast, but he is going to attempt to cook a four course meal out of the expired boxes in his cabinet/condiments in his fridge. He will pass out half way through destroying the kitchen, while you get to have a heart attack as the fire alarm begins blaring around 6 am.

The Weekend at Bernie's Drunk.

Against all better judgment, he downed a flask of Jägger in the cab so naturally he will be doing one of three things by midnight: puking, sleeping, or puking on himself in his sleep.  Since no one else is ready to leave or trusts him to make it home alone, you throw some sunglasses on him and drag him around town. He will wake up with no recollection of the night before, as well as a drawing of a dick on his face.

The Ladies Man.

This multitasker is simultaneously hitting on every woman at the bar while avoiding personal space boundaries as he asks you how come you two never got together. Why? This is why. Now go back to hitting on the incredibly hot bartender who likes you even more than that stripper from last weekend you won’t shut up about.

Mr. Make It Rain.

This guy has milk crates for a coffee table yet suddenly he is buying rounds for everyone at the bar. Bottle service for $1000?! No problem.  If you’re a good friend, you may want to fill his pockets with those limes and lemons so he can feed himself when he wakes up homeless.

The After Hours Guy.

You guys shut down the two AM bar. Four AM too. In fact, the staff is literally mopping around him as he is trying to order another drink. Have no fear though, some guy he met in the alley told about some “sick party” under a viaduct where you will surely not get murdered.

The Double Dog Dare Me Drunk.  

Someone at the diner mentioned they hated mayonnaise so suddenly your friend is about to put away a ten lb. jar of it while the rest of the restaurant cheers him on.

The Mike Tyson Drunk.

Unlike “The Incredible Hulk” who wants to just fight inanimate objects, this special breed of intoxicated is trying to fight every guy at the bar. When sober he never fails to hold open a door or say "Bless you,” after every sneeze, but now you are hanging off his arm to prevent him from attacking a guy who said sorry twelve times for accidently bumping into him over an hour ago.

I mean seriously, why can’t he just take his pants off like your other friend?

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Types Of Drunks Your Girlfriends Become On A Night Out

Friday night some female friends and I decided to catch a show at Lincoln Hall.  The night started out innocently enough with dinner, a few drinks, and some live music. Some time around midnight Fireball Whiskey reared it's ugly head, and at least two of us got pregnant.

When we closed down the first bar, one of my friends suggested we head to "Underground," but in my drunken state I naturally assumed she was talking about "Underbar" so I agreed. It wasn't until the cab started heading south (and I tried to correct him), that I realized I had made a terrible mistake. If you are from Chicago, you know just how terrible, but if you are not from here, imagine thinking you are headed to a local dive located below an underpass yet you arrive in a skeezy, Vegas-esque style club downtown.

We might as well have headed to the strip club, because I saw just as many vaginas...

All in all, most of the night was an entire shit show. It started out with several of us, yet two of us emerged from the club while it was still dark out, and only three of us are accounted for a day and a half later. Luckily, I turned down the guy with the bottle service pouring up roofie-coladas all night.

This got me thinking how every girl's night has certain kinds of girls involved and always ends up pretty much the same. It really doesn't matter which friends come out or where you go, there will always be the following:

The Lost Cause.

Everyone has that friend who "loses" her keys, her ID, or her phone. You will spend most of the night attempting to track down her belongings which were in her pocket the whole time.  She will however, without fail, wake up with only one shoe.

The Destroyer.

Whether she is dropping glasses, bottles, or her phone, she brings a symphony of shattering sounds wherever she goes. She is usually the one who ends up ripping menus into pieces and/or throwing limes at a random passerby as well.

The Dancing Queen.

You can usually find her pushing her self to the middle of the dance floor and grinding on anything with a pulse. She is tone deaf and has no rhythm, but that won't stop her from preforming a one woman show on the bar whose encore closes face first on the floor.

The Make-Out Bandit.

She came. She kissed. She conquered. She also got a shit load of free drinks.

The Houdini.

She will disappear and resurface more times than Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab. The only way to keep tabs on this one would be if Louis Vuitton came out with a line of those mini backpacks with the leash attachments.

The Other Half.

You have known her for years yet haven't seen her in months since "she" became a "we." Her boyfriend finally escaped for a night out so she dusted off her heels and came to meet you. She will spend the entire night texting him/simultaneously making you nauseous. With any luck, she will leave by midnight, but not before flirting with every guy in the bar to prove she's still got it.

The Shots, Shots, Shots!!!! Friend.

You tell her you have to work tomorrow. You have brunch with the boyfriend's family whom you have never met. You have a top secret meeting with The President. You are still a pussy if you take anything less than 23765891 shots with her every six minutes.

The Semi-Sober One.

For whatever reason she is not as intoxicated as the rest of you even though you watched your other friend make her take all those shots.  She is level headed, therefore when one of you suggests hopping into the back of a pick-up truck to some random's house party, she is there to attempt to talk some sense into you...or at least distract you long enough for those guys to find a group drunk in its entirety.

The Cry Baby.

The friend that is now upset with the one of you who wouldn't let her leave with sweatpants at the bar guy, who may or may not have been her future husband. Now she will never know, and if she winds up with a collection of cats, it is your fault!

The Girl on a Mission.

"I am getting hammered tonight!"
"I sooooo getting laid tonight!"
"I am going to eat a burrito the size of my head later!"

Either way this girl has her mind set on something, and IT IS HAPPENING. Don't try to get in her way or you may lose a weave or finger.

If she wants to bang the guy with the lazy eye, that's her prerogative...just as long as I get my effing burrito!