Thursday, December 3, 2015

Middle (wo) man.

Amy Schumer recently posted  half naked photo of herself on instagram igniting a wide range of responses from my social media friends.  Said photo features Amy wearing nothing but her underwear, a pair of heels, and an awkward look on her face while drinking coffee. The thing that separates this photo from a thousand other ‘Oops, you accidently caught me enjoying some Starbucks in my Chonies’ photos happens to be her stomach, bearing a few fat rolls in plain view.

I personally love Amy (/hate her for living out my dream of making dick and fart jokes into a career), and I thought the picture was stunning. Not only does she looks gorgeous, but I wish her level of self esteem was taught right along with your ABCs. Personally, if I were asked to take a picture while sitting in my underwear, I would call upon the photo shop Gods and use a wide range of angles that would make MySpace jealous.

While many called her brave and congratulated her on her lack of fucks given others rated the photo a big fat yawn claiming she is only very slightly overweight and not some new fat girl role model picking up the pieces Lena Dunham dropped years ago.

Either way, the divide was clear; some friends though she was promoting a realistic representation of women while others thought she was a bit self-congratulatory on having a little extra around her middle and being confident enough to show it off. (Then there were my feminist friends who thought she should put some clothes on because a woman is “so much more than her body,” but that’s a whole other blog, and I have to work tomorrow…)

Basically, what from I gathered, it seems Amy is not fat enough to be accepted by the fat girls, but too fat to be accepted by the skinny ones. She is smack dab in this wonderful range I like to call to home, which others may refer to as “average.”

This got me thinking, where does that leave us normal girls?

We don’t get blogs or shares on Facebook or any representation really. There are runway models and plus sized models, but none in the middle ground. There are millions of us who walk the perfect line of bacon cheeseburgers and skinny jeans, but no one is depicting our slight muffin tops or ability to look 3 months pregnant for extended trimesters.

Sure, there was a Dove campaign years ago, but that came and went quicker than a Kardashian marriage. Plus, those women were photographed from flattering angles in perfecting lighting (not exactly the kind of picture you un-tag yourself from on Facebook for sporting the fat arm)…

It seems all we get is a constant state of confusion about whether to squeeze into the smaller size and tell ourselves we will lose five pounds or buy the bigger size and pray we can shrink it, but let’s be honest; we’ve been wishing that those five bastards away since college, and the only things that ever shrink are the ones you go through great lengths to keep from doing so. 

I realize Rome wasn’t built in a day so it’s going to be awhile before all the different size variations of women are going to be represented across widespread media, but until the world catches up, for the love of God can someone just start making some Smediums and Marges?

Friday, October 2, 2015

My Six Reasons, Bitch.

Recently my Facebook feed has been blowing up with an article titled, “6 Reasons My Husband and I Probably Won’t Make It To Your Event, and Why We Don’t Want You To Take It Personal.”

Despite my better judgment, I went ahead and read it. I have friends with kids who constantly cancel plans (although not all my parental friends are like this), so I thought maybe, just maybe, this would share some insight.  I also once believed Britney and Justin would be together forever so clearly I have been mistaken.

Before I continue, I suggest you read the article so you can pick up what I’m putting down…

I have to say without a doubt, this was the biggest, condescending piece of shit I have ever read. This woman not only came across as a pretentious asshole, but I actually found myself feeling sorry for her husband who is apparently not allowed to leave the house without her permission (or only after she has made sure his company isn’t questionable).

If you are a parent, I am sure you found yourself agreeing with many points of this article (as I have heard loud and clear on my Facebook share of this post), but if you are childless like me, you probably thought this woman sounded like a C U Next Tuesday.  

I wanted her (along with those singing her praises) to see how this article truly sounds from the other side. If you have kids, stop and think about if it was your child’s first birthday, and the important people in your life wrote a similar article about why they won’t be there/why you shouldn’t get offended.

Can’t imagine it because your friends are decent human beings? Let me help paint you that picture with my rebuttal aka…

“6 Reasons I Probably Won’t Make It To Your Kid’s Birthday Party/Other God Awful Event, and Why I Don’t Want You To Take It Personal.”

1: I don't have kids!!! This one sounds too easy, and I am sure people are sick of hearing it; but I feel like most need to! Especially those with kids. If I wanted to be covered in spit up, snot, or other bodily fluids that aren’t my own, I’d have children…or do porn. Or both! They both sound equally as disgusting and horrifying to me although one is at least a paying gig that would allow me to sleep in on the weekend.

2: I am tired!!!! No, not like normal tired. I’m talking the type of painstaking exhaustion where you fall asleep in your burrito before you get to enjoy its cheesy goodness. Okay, it’s more so passing out than falling asleep, but all those shots and dancing awkwardly to “my jam” really took it out of me. Plus, there is all that working, traveling, and millions of other things us single people manage to fill our days with sans reproducing. Crazy to think, but we have jobs. AND hobbies! Some of us even exercise and shower regularly; it’s insane! Don’t forget that whole peeing without an audience thing…Either way, we find ways to fill the time, and we are tired too.

So please try to understand that your kid's party starts at ten am, and sometimes I get home a few hours before that. If I come I can almost guarantee there will be one more cranky little person throwing up on your Pottery Barn couch.

3: I don’t have a dog sitter!!!!  Of course you guys live way out in the suburbs so it will be an all day affair with never-ending traffic back to the city. I can't find anyone to let my dog out. I’m sorry, but I only trust like TWO people to watch him, and they are either sleeping or dead since they were out with me last night. While you were watching “Frozen” for the 2492874982734987th time, we were having yet another best night of our lives.  While you apparently got yours out in college, fun is still in our systems. Sorry, but not sorry.

4: I can attend, but my bed can’t so nine times out of ten, I'm not going to come!!!! This may be a hard concept for normal, functioning people to understand, and we have lost friendships/gained psychologists over our union; but we are a team. Sure, we allow pillows and blankets to join us in the bedroom as well, but we still respect each other’s individual socialization. Nothing personal against you, but you just aren’t my pillow top mattress, and neither of us are going to put ourselves in vertical situations if we don’t have to!

5: I actually do have a financial budget and priorities!!!! Not to rain on your endless parade of birthday parties for your multiple kids, but taking fabulous trips and sampling international cuisine will probably hold a higher level of importance to me. I am sure you can cook me a wonderful meal, pour me an adequate glass of wine, and play me smooth jazz until the wee hours of the morning, but until you can do it on a private villa in Italy, I’d rather not spend my hard earned single person salary on another gift for your kid so he or she can play with the box it came in. I still love him/her though =)

6: I JUST DON’T WANT TO GO!!! I know it sounds harsh, and I couldn’t possibly sound like a bigger bitch, but I would honestly prefer to do anything other than attend your kid's little league game/birthday party/school recital. I’m just being honest! I’d rather pay a visit to my dentist (for endless root canals) while my gyno simultaneously removes her torture devices from the freezer to violate me over giving up my Sunday morning. My bed and I really still DO enjoy each other, and neither of us are going to apologize for that. Sometimes we just want to be left the hell alone and relax, just the two of us.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

To Threesome Or Not To Threesome?

When a group of girl friends get together there is bound to be a conversation or two about sex.  Last weekend in particular there were many, and the topic of the elusive threesome came up for the first time since college.

A friend of mine was debating whether or not she should partake in one for her boyfriend’s upcoming 30th birthday.  After a few too many cocktails, she was beginning to consider it.  She claimed she “didn’t know what to get him,” and this was “all he really wanted” so we suggested getting a new boyfriend.  No, I’m kidding, but we did all urge her that while he may not enjoy Cubs tickets quite as much as having sex with two women at once, they were the better option.  At least this way he would be the one disappointed and heartbroken instead of her (a little Chicago humor for my local readers).

I am not going to judge those who are into threesomes, ménage à trois, etc., but personally, I have always been under the impression that watching your significant other bang another person right in front of you is generally a bad idea.  

Then again, I get annoyed when people want me to share my French fries…

I suppose if you are bi-sexual and don’t posses a jealous bone in your body then it’s an ideal arrangement, but I’m guessing most men will have better luck finding Bigfoot than having their girlfriends be this mythical creature.

Sorry guys, but chances are she is like most of us: an everyday, straight woman who is not interested in acting out a real life porno.  I know I can turn on the water works and initiate an Emmy winning performance when faced with the possibility of a speeding ticket, but even I can’t pretend that vagina is my favorite food.

We decided that since her birthday was a couple weeks past his, she should propose the same request…a precursor arrangement, if you will.  Would her man be so eager to ask for a threesome if he had to reciprocate the favor? “Oh you mean you don’t want to cup his balls while watching me put my Pilates class to good use on someone else?”

We joked that perhaps calling his bluff was not the best option either because he may actually oblige. Stranger things have happened, and you don’t want to play roulette when it involves multiple penises. After all, that sounds like a lot of work and a bunch of ice packs.

We also suggested to our friend that threesomes may be best left to drunken nights with strangers.  If things get weird the next morning, at least you have the option of treating the situation like any other one night stand that didn’t end well…collect your belongings you deemed important enough to attempt to locate, call an uber, and pray you never have to see them again.

Now when that person happens to be your significant other, the Houdini plan of escape is no longer a viable option. Keep in mind that uncomfortable feeling may stick around longer than your usual shame shower that morning.

Whether you decide to threesome or not to threesome is on you, but before you do, you may want to ask yourself if you are prepared to lie to your Grandma about why Johnny couldn’t make it for Thanksgiving this year…

Sunday, May 10, 2015

If you want a dad bod, and you think it's sexy…

Recently my entire Facebook news feed has been blowing up with references to the “Dad Bod.” As much as I hate stupid social media trends, I have previously mentioned the whole “eyebrows on fleek” phenomenon (barf) so I couldn’t ignore something with a little more substance.

If you missed the sudden explosion of articles discussing “dad bods” and have no idea what I am talking about, climb out from under that rock, and see exhibit Leonardo DiCaprio.

Feast your eyes on his bicep less arms and man boobs. He is subtlety saying, “Why should I hit the gym when I have a six pack right here in my fridge? Basically, the only thing he is lifting is a piece of pizza to his face, and he gives zero fucks.

There are a plethora of articles that are pro dad bods. Some women think we should embrace this trend because if men have beer guts they may opt to be more accepting of our muffin tops. It makes sense. I mean, I can’t expect you to be David Beckhman a la his Calvin Klein ads if I am not a Victoria’s Secret model strutting down the runway in my skivvies.  For starters I would have to grow about eight inches, and I am pretty sure even if I stopped eating and moved directly into the gym, my actual bones would still weigh more than Adriana Lima so who am I to judge.

I have also seen several articles that say we should put a stop to it now. Women fuming that if you don’t accept a “mom bod” then why should we embrace your dad version? You get to be fat while we are still held to impossible beauty standards. Fuck no. If we have to do a hundred thousand squats per week then you can get with an ab challenge once in awhile.

Men seem pretty excited about being able to get laid without having to exercise or take any pride in their appearance, which I totally understand. If one day someone publishes an article (leading to the next big trend) called, “How eating nothing but tacos and Cadbury eggs will land you Ryan Gosling,” I’d be pretty stoked too.

However, pro or con dad bods, there is a major flaw in the whole movement no one seems to be talking about…

Having a dad bod only works for (people like) Leonardo DiCaprio because he is Leonardo fucking DiCapro, and women will bang him regardless if he has breasts bigger than theirs or not. He could literally grow an evil conjoined twin and women would fuck that little bastard too. If you are driving a Pontiac and living in your mom’s basement something tells me your dad bod won’t have the same affect on women. All you men eager to embark on this trend may want to take that into consideration.

I am a big advocate of doing whatever makes you happy so if you want to eat pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner then by all means get your $5 hot and ready on, just don’t expect to be leaving the club with dozens of models like our boy, the great Gatsby unless you have some of that wolf of Wall Street status.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Oh, the games you'll play!

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a male friend of mine regarding his current dating situation. He was involved with a girl who was, according to him, “playing games.”

Some times she would want to hang out every day for a week straight while others she would avoid him for days.  She would say she didn’t want to be exclusive, but she would get upset if he did so much as talk to another girl.

As he went on about her being hot and cold and the other ways she was messing with him, I began to think about all the games we as women actually play that men aren’t even involved in…

For starters there is the “I better eat this entire bag of Oreos to get them out of the house” game because if you eat them all, it’s like they never existed, right? Your taste buds may win, but your ass will definitely lose this one.

This is usually followed by the “I’ll start Monday” game. Which turns into the “Monday of next week” game…then the “Wait, is New Year’s on a Monday” game?” You can participate in this game up to 52 times a year, but may I suggest also playing the “get your ass a gym membership” game as well before your jeans forfeit.

Anybody else play the “Let’s see how close I can come to killing myself with out actually doing it” game? You know the one…when you're feeling down about something, you watch every sad movie you can think of/ listen to the most depressing songs you can find on repeat in order to make yourself feel the absolute worst you possibly can. If you have every watched “The Fault in our Stars” while listening to The Smiths, you are the champion.

Every girl reading this has played the “I lost my phone” game. The rules are simple, you must make everyone in the bar search for it as you dump the entire contents of your purse violently onto the floor while your phone is safely tucked in your pocket the entire time. Bonus points can be earned for every individual person you have call it.

A closet full of clothes with the tags still on them prove I play the “I need to buy this ridiculous article of clothing just in case” game far too often. If you own a long ball gown in case someone invites you to a black tie gala and a pair of khaki capri pants/top siders just in case someone asks you to sail on their yacht near any of the New England states, you are a viable competitor as well.

There is also the “I need to hang on to this because it may come back into style” game. We all started playing this upon walking into an Urban Outfitters and seeing our wardrobe from 1998 in its entirety.  If Birkenstocks and those damn jelly shoes that made your feet smell like a locker room are back in style, nothing is off limits.

Who could forget about the “I’m not that drunk” game? The more often you say it, the better chance you have of winning. And by winning, I mean waking up in your bathtub covered in Mexican food.

How about the “One more episode” game? Why did you start Netflixing at 10 pm on a Tuesday, you dumbass? You might as well have smoked crack because the outcome will be the same. You are addicted and will probably be losing your job and ending up on the street in no time. There is a plus side to watching 200 episodes of Friends instead of doing drugs though…you get to keep your teeth.

Right now I am currently killing it at the “Oops I ate one M&M therefore my whole day is ruined so I might as well eat a large pizza and wash it down with a bottle of wine” game. I may not be in first place tomorrow morning, but you know what they say…it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how you play the game.