Sunday, March 24, 2013

Toodaloo, motherfuckaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

That's right friends and fellow Chicago-ins. I can't handle the cold anymore so I am off to sunny California for a week before I lose my shit.  I will try to keep you updated mid trip with my shenanigans, but I plan on being so drunk I may not remember I have a blog in the first place.

Hope everyone has a lovely week, and I will talk to you soon!

Pray for my liver.

Friday, March 22, 2013

You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind...or not. If you want to stand still and bring your friends, that's cool too.

(It's nice to have options)

Today I logged onto Facebook, and the first thing I saw was someone's status opposing abortion and a woman's right to choose. I scrolled down further and saw another post against gay marriage. There were several of these, each more severe than the last. Geez, so much for enjoying my breakfast with the Cap'n.

I should have just ignored them, but I, for some reason, always feel the need to stick up for everyone's rights, even though arguing with some of these people is about as efficient as trying to cook a gourmet meal using an Easy Bake Oven. I know I'll never change anyone's mind, but just like when I attempt to work out but usually get in about ten sit ups before I give up, I figure it's worth a shot and better than nothing right? I have just never understood how people seem to think they know what is best for other people, especially people they have never met.  I am a firm believer in letting people decide for themselves how they want to live their lives. 

Here's just an idea off the top of my head. If you don't like gay marriage, don't marry a person of the same sex.  If you don't believe in abortion, don't have one. If you can't stand the taste of pickles, don't eat them (more for me yay!). If you dislike tattoos, don't get one, and if you fucking hate Rihanna, don't shine bright like a diamond.  It seems like a pretty simple concept to me. 

Let's stop and really think about this for a second. Lots of Jewish people do not eat pigs, but they don't try to make it illegal for everyone. Most Indians will not eat cows, but they don't picket outside McDonald's in their free time. The next time you are about to judge someone who lives differently, imagine a world without bacon and cheeseburgers.  

If you are a (smart ass) vegetarian who was about to say how delightful that sounds, try to imagine the government forcing you to eat meat because they felt it was in your best interest to consume more protein. Sounds ridiculous right? I promise it sounds like rocket science compared to the shit I saw in my news feed earlier.

I am not so naive to think all of my opinions are the right ones, but I like to think being non-judgmental and accepting of everyone is better than the latter. You are also entitled to yours as well, but just so you know, contrary to popular belief, it is possible to have an opinion without constantly shoving it down everyone's throats. I even heard you can strongly believe in something even if someone else disagrees with you. Shocking revelation I know. 

I know I don't usually talk about political issues, but this was more of a compassion issue to me. I will return to booze and boobs jokes as planned, but I just had to put that out there.  I really care about people in general, and you should too. All kinds of people, not just the ones like you either.

Oh and hey, just a thought,  if you don't agree with what have I have to say or don't like my blog, you don't have to read it.  Pretty amazing concept huh?

Monday, March 18, 2013

This is why I drink.

Sky High, Chuck E. Cheese's, or any similar shit show. This is literally my nightmare. Hundreds of screaming children with thousands of different cootie variations all running a muck with little to no parental supervision. The only thing any of the dads seem to be keeping an eye on is my cleavage. Look alive buddy, your kid is drowning in the ball pit.

Taxes.  How about instead of taking all of my money and then giving me some of it back in April, you just take less during the year and save us all some math.  Boom. Next I'll take on that whole world peace issue...

St. Patrick's Day. So technically I was planning on drinking anyway, but now I have to consume twice as much alcohol to make being around all the drunk idiots tolerable. If you plan on being out from dawn until dusk, maybe it's best you don't consume the whole day's worth of alcohol before lunch.  A general rule of thumb is when you are peeing and/or puking in public, it's time to to throw in the towel. You may end up losing your phone, but at least this way you can keep your dignity. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I accidentally made a porno once.

Somebody sent me a very nice message on my tumblr and asked what provoked me to start writing in the first place and if I planned to continue in the future.

The truth is, I only started my blog because I have a couple of friends who relentlessly pushed me to do so. The last time I saw them was at a wedding in Indiana where we all drank far too much, and vodka we decided I needed a reality TV show. Since I don't have enough money to be considered for anything on Bravo (and no one at MTV cares about me because I am not 16 and knocked up, Justin Bieber, or an all around disgusting human being) we decided a blog would be a good way to share my random thoughts and sick sense of humor with the world...although I didn't really expect anyone but them to read it.

I never really aspired to be a writer. It would be fun to write a column or get a book deal sure, but anything beyond that scares me for one major reason... once you become famous enough for people to care about your personal life, every asshole from your past will appear with an eagerness to share some horribly embarrassing story or photo you have chosen to forget existed.  Even if it is currently stored on a cell phone that looks like it belonged to Zack Morris, trust me, it will somehow find its way into the public's eye. This got me thinking about what incriminating things could surface if I were to ever become famous.

At first, I wasn't too concerned.  Any embarrassing story anyone could tell about me, I've probably already told to a room full of people. There was that time I was convinced I had Chlymadia, or the time I threw up on myself in a cab, and I have previously shared those for your amusement. Plus it's not like I got diarrhea at Barnes and Noble and everybody found out about it (hey Phil, there's a "Mean Girls" reference you will finally understand).

I quickly remembered an ex or two may have a picture of my boobs, however I don't lose any sleep over it since I have much more revealing photos of them, and collateral is a hell of a drug. Hear that boys?  If those pictures ever do get out, everyone including your former Sunday school teacher will be getting a pretty sweet Christmas card this year.

I breathed a deep (premature) sigh of relief when it hit me like I was the fat kid in dodge ball. There may or may not be a porno out there starring yours truly.

In my early twenties, I had a boyfriend who worked as a sever at a local restaurant. He would often work the closing shift, and we would stay and drink after hours. His boss was a special breed of bat shit crazy so my ex figured he owed him a few drinks for having to put up with his often unpredictable behavior.  One night in particular his boss was an extremely cruel tyrant so he decided tonight was going to be the night he finally told him to eat a bag of dicks...but not before we drank him out of business first.

We gave it a good old college try, and a solid 4 or 5 bottles of wine later, my ex suggested we have sex on his boss's desk as one final "Fuck you." Considering I was so drunk I would have agreed to shave my head as well, I thought this was his best idea to date.

We fell went down the stairs to his office and began to roll around.  I'm pretty sure we both got stuck in our clothing while trying to remove it, and I'm guessing on average, we fell off the desk six or seven times.  I will not get into any graphic details since some of you may be eating, but if you have ever had this level of drunk sex, you know that shit ain't pretty.  It's literally the most un-sexy sex of all time, in the history of the world, ever.

Oh the florescent lighting, I can't even...

We both passed out half way through for several hours, only to awake confused in a destroyed office. We collected our belongings, somehow made it home, and I woke up the next morning with my underwear on over my jeans. There were also traces of Mexican food on everything, which leads me to believe I may have pulled off that look in public.

I was nursing the mother of all hangovers when a terrifying thought crossed my mind. We had sex on his boss's desk, in his office, steps away from the safe which stored all the money, and go figure, neither of us stopped to check to see if there was a security camera. I think I remember seeing something on the ceiling, but was that a fan?  Was there a flashing red light or did I just hit my head so hard I saw stars?

Was there a security camera or wasn't there?  This is the greatest unsolved mystery of all time, right behind "Where do all those missing socks from the dryer go?" The restaurant has since gone out of business, and it's not like I am going to call his old boss up and ask him if he watched the most horrifying sex tape of all time so there is no way to ever know...

So unless I become famous and that tape surfaces, I am going to continue to pretend it does not exist, just like my ex.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

More things I will never understand.

I'm only 5'2" so lots of things go over my head. Here is a list of some more things I will never understand...

(If you missed part one, you can find it here).

Why do men have nipples? Is it so we know when they are cold?

How to fold a fitted sheet.  I will inevitably try for 20 minutes, only to roll it into a ball and throw it into oblivion.

Why can't tattoos be licked on by kittens? Kissed on by puppies? Anything?

Why couldn't those greedy ass children share some of their cereal with that poor rabbit?  I get the whole "Trix are for kids," thing, but that is the rule you are choosing to follow? I'm willing to bet those little bastards will be sneaking into R rated movies under age or drinking before they are 21. I hope that rabbit confiscates their fake IDs.

Why so many girls claim to be "models."  Just because someone has taken your picture does not mean you're a model honey. If that is your definition of the word then my cat has a pretty successful modeling career since '01.

The whole "oversleeping" concept. If you are really tired and end up sleeping more than you planned, shouldn't that be a bonus leaving you feeling extra refreshed? That's like charging a battery so full, it leaves you at ten percent.

Why it is impossible to poop without playing on your iPhone. No seriously, it's just not possible. I'm kidding you guys, girls don't poop.

When I leave the house looking fabulous but look like I ate my former self in a photo taken shortly after.  Did I gain 75 pounds on the car ride over?

Why I continue to buy things that are dry-clean only.  What that really means is I will buy you, wear you five times, and never see you again.

How can people be vegetarians when bacon exists?  Have you seen fake bacon?  Look at this bullshit.

Monday, March 4, 2013

You are an asshole.

Hey lovers. I just finished moving in, but I am still without cable/internet until tomorrow so here's a quick one from my phone to remind you of what a jerk you can be...admit it, we're all just a bunch of assholes.

If you use the phrase "YOLO," you are an asshole. You are not only an asshole, but it wil take every fiber of my being to not punch you in the kidney.

If you have ever drawn on/messed with someone who took their shoes off before passing out, you are  definitely an asshole.

If I tell an embarrassing story about myself, it's hilarious, but if you do it, you are an asshole.