Friday, March 28, 2014

This is a blog about penises.

I just got back to Chicago from vacation in sunny San Diego so naturally I hate everyone and everything.  However, I did have a great time so it was worth the current state of hypothermia I am experiencing.

I made it my personal mission to visit every beach within 50 miles, including one that happened to be a nude beach.  While I was aware that Black’s Beach had a nude side, I did not think it was the one closest to the parking lot after hiking down the path. Imagine my surprise when I reached the bottom and was greeted by a man wearing nothing but sunglasses and a smile.

My friend and I found a spot a respectable distance from any given sun bathing naked man and laid out to work on our tans.  Within minutes I realized it was impossible to do anything besides stare directly at every single penis passing by no matter how horrifying.

I haven’t had nightmares like that since sister of the year let me watch “The Exorcist” when I was eight…

Most of said men were old so I’m sure they no longer gave a fuck what they looked like, however there were several guys of all ages, shapes, and um, sizes who didn’t seem to care as well. One young guy in particular set up shop no more then ten feet away from us and proceeded to lie out a la Burt Reynolds on that bear skin rug.

While “Burt” presented himself, another older gentleman paced up and down the beach making the women feel uncomfortable and the men feel inadequate.  

My friend and I began to discuss the obvious, and we both agreed that neither of us would bang him with each other’s vagina. He seemed to think he was doing the world a favor by showing it off, but really he just scarred me and my friend for life… and probably both halves of any woman who has ever slept with him.

We got into the discussion of which is worse: a small dick or an extra large one? And since my mother doesn’t read this blog, let’s talk about penises!

According to a study my friends and I have unknowingly been working on for years, penis size does matter, but not in the way you would obviously think.

I know most women will instantly jump for/on the excessive one, but the truth is, there is such a thing as TOO big.  Sleeping with a guy with an enormous penis is like getting tattooed: It’s going to hurt, you will probably need ibuprofen and a bottle of Jack, and it may take several attempts (if you decide to even finish). 

There is definitely a line (which the dude on the beach could have drawn in the sand) between big and practical joke big, and trust me, if Ron Jeremy there was your boyfriend, you would spend less time laughing, and more time icing your lady parts.

Now what about the latter? Ladies, we all know a tiny wiener is less fun to play with, but if you really like a guy and he is really good with his other body parts, I feel as if most of us are willing to make an exception….at least for the duration of the relationship because we all know the minute you two break up you will refer to him as “Tiny Tim” and laugh with your friends.

I happened to date the Guinness World Record holder for World’s Smallest Dick back in college, and he is currently married to a pretty hot chick while beach penis wasn’t wearing a ring (I checked because I actually felt sorry for his possible wife). Coincidence?  I think not.

Personally, I would rather my man be average and experienced (and have my vagina stay intact) than huge and completely useless. After all it’s the motion in the ocean, and no one needs a Tsumani fucking up their (sand)box.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Haters gonna hate.

I have been writing for a few years now, but it wasn’t until recently that a popular, third party site had begun to publish my work. It also wasn’t until recently that I learned a few things about what that entails.

Having your blogs shared with a vast audience of people is rather exciting and something anyone should be proud of accomplishing so I wish people would stop shitting all over it.  Remember that saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say then say it anonymously in the comment section?" Funny, I don’t recall that one either, but according to every single article I have read online, that seems to be a popular mantra.

I never understood the concept of leaving negative comments, anonymously or not, on someone's creative outlet. It's a simple concept really. If you didn't enjoy whatever they created, don't read it, watch it, or listen to it again. Breaking News! It takes more effort to express your disdain than it does to keep scrolling.  If you have time to re-write a never ending story expressing your negative opinions then you definitely have time to write something more worthwhile. Just keep in mind someone like yourself will probably rip it apart faster than a gold digger to a pre-nup.

Now I understand my sense of humor is sarcastic, sometimes sick, and usually inappropriate so it doesn’t mean it’s for everybody. If you are overtly sensitive, I am not your gal Sunday, and I have even considered put a disclaimer at the beginning of each blog…"If you don’t love booze, dick jokes, or ‘Step Brothers’ references, you may want to move along.”

I have also discovered that no matter what I write about, I will inevitably piss someone off. If I write about making my boyfriend a sandwich, the feminists will attack me.  If I publish a piece about the color blue, people will call me a racist for not writing about the other colors. I could talk about how much I love peanut butter, however the jelly enthusiasts will declare war, and let’s be honest, the war on Jiffy is one nobody wins.

If you too are a writer or considering being one, do not let the internet bullies of the world affect your willingness to share your art. Write about whatever interests you, and people with a like mind will read it. If there are people who have sexual relationships with inanimate objects, there will be someone who can identify with your work.

And now since I have probably just offended someone who is marrying their Mustang next week, I will most likely be attacked so I leave you with this…

Remember, comment sections are like that kid in the second grade who came down with the first case of the "cooties"... they are disgusting and should be avoided at all costs.