I recently posted an article
on my Facebook feed about Chipotle banning guns after two dumb asses in Texas brought assault riffles into one of their locations. The guys packing heat were well within
the gun laws there, however many customers felt uncomfortable so Chipotle took action.
I personally like the idea of
enjoying my burrito bowl without a side of machine gun, and I applaud Chipotle
for realizing who their target audience is (families and college kids) and
accommodating them accordingly.
I posted the article because
I frequent there and found it interesting, not because I wanted to argue gun
laws and regulations for the next ten hours (I had momentary forgotten what Facebook was for apparently). I remember when Chicago passed the Concealed
Carry law, my news feed blew up with gun enthusiasts and adversaries ripping
each other apart…
”Guns kill people.”
“It’s my right cause
‘Merica.”
"Spoons make people fat."
All valid points guys.
Honestly, both sides of any debate will
have reasonable arguments, but if the internet has taught me anything
there are several infallible ways to get your point across and win every argument ever…
First, make sure you USE ALL
CAPS. No one can actually hear you screaming so the only way to let them know
you mean business is to turn all of your lower case letters into upper case
ones. Also, don’t forget to not use any less
than 17 exclamation points because if you only add 16, people will think you aren’t
serious about your cause. If you are looking for that certain je ne said quoi, don't forget to press a bunch of random buttons &^*!$%$^@* to let them know how passionate you actually are.
It is also very important to
use lots of profanity because no well thought out educated speech was ever
given without numerous swear words.
“I have a mother fucking
dream…” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Be sure to use the real taboo
ones as well because no one is allowed to have a differing opinion without
being a complete "cunt" or total "pussy".
If you really want to let people know how brilliant you actually are, start rattling off dozens
of internet articles (written by someone you have never heard of on sites you
didn’t know existed) which back your cause.
If you can’t find any, simply start
a web page and write some yourself…just make sure you sign off as Dr. something
or another so people know you're smart.
Also, you can't forget the importance
of making sexist/racist/general assumptions about those who have opposing
viewpoints. You won’t sound like you know what you are taking about until you
judge other people you have never met.
I mean, you’re right. People who make assumptions about strangers are always right.
I am woman so I have no ground to stand on. Who let me use a computer? I earned my three college degrees
in laundry, sandwich preparation, and baby making so I better stick to what I
know. Shoes! Yay Shoes! I am so glad they didn’t ban shoes
form Chipotle! AM I RIGHT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, I forgot one. !
Lastly, and this is the most
important way to get your point across intelligently…you
must, I repeat MUST, insult my physical appearance. No one will take your knowledge
on a particular subject seriously if your rebuttal doesn't refer to your opponent as "fat" for "fugly".
