Taylor Swift recently released a new video called “Blank
Space” in which she plays the crazy girlfriend/soon to be ex-girlfriend. If you
are a (not so closet) Taylor fan like I am, you have probably watched the video
a dozen times or sang along (terribly) in the shower. Love her or hate her, either way the video is
fantastic, and Miss Swift got me thinking about being an ex and what that
entails. Once a relationship ends, you
can either be the bigger person and calmly move on or you could literally be
the bigger person and let yourself go, and everything in between.
On that note, I thought it would be fun to explore the types
of exes we all have, or have all been…
The ex who bangs all your friends.
While you two were together they couldn’t stand your friends,
and you wanted nothing more than for everyone to get along. Well, be careful
what you wish for because their genitals have now become besties, and you get
to hear all about it from everyone else.
The ex who got super hot.
During the duration of your relationship you two collected
enough pizza coupons to end world hunger so imagine your dismay when you broke
up and discovered they had become even better looking than when you two first
met. Did she get new boobs? Did he grow a beard? Yep, and they both got
personal trainers who they are probably banging. Suddenly you can no longer see
their flaws because you have become blinded by their hotness. Meanwhile, you
are probably …
The ex who let themself go.
While your ex was hitting the gym, you were eating your feelings. Although shacking up with Ben and Jerry was
comforting, neither one will fill the void of a penis in your vagina. Get your
ass to the gym, just make sure it’s not the same one your ex is frequenting or
you will risk becoming…
The stalker ex.
Isn’t it weird how they keep “accidently” showing up
everywhere you go? This ex stalks your
social media so hard, they end up back at their own profile. Stop checking into
places and try to only post pictures where you look amazing and are surrounded
by good looking people of the opposite sex. Really, really, ridiculously, good
looking people.
The ex who has ruined a particular sexual act for you.
Ladies, did you see God when he went down on you? Guys, did
she give you a blowjob so good you were wondering what the hell those things
you had before were called? If your bedroom hosted the Olympics, they would win
the bronze, silver, and gold. From here on out, it’s all a heaping pile of
garbage, but if you play your cards right, maybe they will become…
The ideal ex.
Also known as the one you still get to bang but don’t have
to deal with. There is little to no
conversation between you guys. In fact, the only thing you two exchange are
orgasms. You don’t even have to pretend to like each other, which is just
valuable wasted energy you could be using for sex.
The ex who marries the next person they date.
This ex was “never looking for anything serious,” but three
months after your break up they are engaged. You’re just like “Good Luck Chuck”
except you won’t get to bang anybody as good looking as Jessica Alba.
The ex who stays close with your family.
As if suffering through your second cousin’s baby shower
wasn’t bad enough, now you get to spend it with your ex because that fucker
befriended all of your relatives. If you are really lucky, you’ll get to hear all
about their engagement after they have lunch with your mom (who let’s be
honest, probably likes them better).
The ex on a bender.
This former homebody was actually in a relationship with
Netflix while you two were supposed to be dating, but as soon as you broke up, they
became the life of the party. Every. Single. Night. Funny, because you didn’t
know they allowed sweat pants in the club.
The ex you’re still friends with.
Sometimes two people can be totally wrong for each other but
come to the realization they still appreciate and love the other person as a
human being so they remain friends. How
mature of you two huh? Keep in mind this ex can also be referred to as “the ex
that will piss off every future significant other until the end of time.”
The crazy ex.
I know people hate the word “crazy,” but let’s face it,
there is really only one word to describe the shit storm that ensues when you
two finally call it quits. There are the hateful texts, even angrier
voicemails, and the keeping hostage of your shit. You probably never want to talk to this
person again, but you really miss your favorite sweatshirt. Don’t make a rookie
mistake, and get it back before you
change your number.
The ex you hate with the fire of a thousand suns.
Everyone has that one ex you hope would get hit with a
bus…you are driving. Maybe this person banged all your friends or perhaps they still
have your dog…either way, you hope they come down with one of the random scary
viruses all over the media. You aren’t picky, Ebola is fine. Bird flu will also
suffice.
The one that got away.
Tear* Perhaps this was your first love. Maybe it was bad
timing. For whatever reason, it never worked out according to plan, but you
will always look back on them fondly and wonder what could have been…just as
long as they didn’t let themselves go.
