Despite my better judgment, I went ahead and read it.
I have friends with kids who constantly cancel plans (although not all my
parental friends are like this), so I thought maybe, just maybe, this would
share some insight. I also once believed
Britney and Justin would be together forever so clearly I have been mistaken.
Before I continue, I suggest you read the article so
you can pick up what I’m putting down…
I have to say without a doubt, this was the biggest,
condescending piece of shit I have ever read. This woman not only came across
as a pretentious asshole, but I actually found myself feeling sorry for her
husband who is apparently not allowed to leave the house without her permission
(or only after she has made sure his company isn’t questionable).
If you are a parent, I am sure you found yourself
agreeing with many points of this article (as I have heard loud and clear on my
Facebook share of this post), but if you are childless like me, you probably thought
this woman sounded like a C U Next Tuesday.
I wanted her (along with those singing her praises) to
see how this article truly sounds from the other side. If you have kids, stop
and think about if it was your child’s first birthday, and the important people
in your life wrote a similar article about why they won’t be there/why you
shouldn’t get offended.
Can’t imagine it because your friends are decent human
beings? Let me help paint you that picture with my rebuttal aka…
“6 Reasons I Probably Won’t Make It To Your Kid’s
Birthday Party/Other God Awful Event, and Why I Don’t Want You To Take It
Personal.”
1: I don't have kids!!! This one sounds too easy, and
I am sure people are sick of hearing it; but I feel like most need to! Especially
those with kids. If I wanted to be covered in spit up, snot, or other bodily
fluids that aren’t my own, I’d have children…or do porn. Or both! They both sound
equally as disgusting and horrifying to me although one is at least a paying
gig that would allow me to sleep in on the weekend.
2: I am tired!!!! No, not like normal tired. I’m
talking the type of painstaking exhaustion where you fall asleep in your
burrito before you get to enjoy its cheesy goodness. Okay, it’s more so passing
out than falling asleep, but all those shots and dancing awkwardly to “my jam” really
took it out of me. Plus, there is all that working, traveling, and millions of other
things us single people manage to fill our days with sans reproducing. Crazy to
think, but we have jobs. AND hobbies! Some of us even exercise and shower
regularly; it’s insane! Don’t forget that whole peeing without an audience
thing…Either way, we find ways to fill the time, and we are tired too.
So please try to understand that your kid's party
starts at ten am, and sometimes I get home a few hours before that. If I come I
can almost guarantee there will be one more cranky little person throwing up on
your Pottery Barn couch.
3: I don’t have a dog sitter!!!! Of course you guys live
way out in the suburbs so it will be an all day affair with never-ending traffic
back to the city. I can't find anyone to let my dog out. I’m sorry, but I only
trust like TWO people to watch him, and they are either sleeping or dead since
they were out with me last night. While you were watching “Frozen” for the
2492874982734987th time, we were having yet another best night of our
lives. While you apparently got yours out
in college, fun is still in our systems. Sorry, but not sorry.
4: I can attend, but my bed can’t so nine times out of
ten, I'm not going to come!!!! This may be a hard concept for normal,
functioning people to understand, and we have lost friendships/gained
psychologists over our union; but we are a team. Sure, we allow pillows and blankets
to join us in the bedroom as well, but we still respect each other’s individual
socialization. Nothing personal against you, but you just aren’t my pillow top
mattress, and neither of us are going to put ourselves in vertical situations
if we don’t have to!
5: I actually do have a financial budget and
priorities!!!! Not to rain on your endless parade of birthday parties for your
multiple kids, but taking fabulous trips and sampling international cuisine
will probably hold a higher level of importance to me. I am sure you can cook
me a wonderful meal, pour me an adequate glass of wine, and play me smooth jazz
until the wee hours of the morning, but until you can do it on a private villa
in Italy, I’d rather not spend my hard earned single person salary on another
gift for your kid so he or she can play with the box it came in. I still love
him/her though =)
6: I JUST DON’T WANT TO GO!!! I know it sounds harsh, and
I couldn’t possibly sound like a bigger bitch, but I would honestly prefer to do
anything other than attend your kid's little league game/birthday party/school
recital. I’m just being honest! I’d rather pay a visit to my dentist (for
endless root canals) while my gyno simultaneously removes her torture devices
from the freezer to violate me over giving up my Sunday morning. My bed and I
really still DO enjoy each other, and neither of us are going to apologize for
that. Sometimes we just want to be left the hell alone and relax, just the two
of us.
