If you are anything like me,
you enjoy a good cocktail.
There are so many varieties
and endless reasons to consume them too. Brunch? Bloody Marys and Mimosas, of
course. Long day at work? Have a glass of wine. Celebrating an accomplishment?
Champagne, what else?! You put on pants today? You deserve a beer!
I never really thought twice
about having multiple cocktails on a Saturday night, (unless you count regretting
it numerous times Sunday morning) because that is just what people do; they go
out on the weekends, and they drink. No matter what your plans entail, alcohol
is always available and always delicious.
I began to realize things were
getting a little Lindsay Lohan circa 2010 when Saturday nights turned into Sunday
Fundays which then became followed by, “Dear God it’s Monday already, and I
could really use a drink.” Soon after came margaritas accompanying Taco
Tuesday, and there was always a happy hour somewhere on Wednesday. Thursdays quickly
became the new Saturdays, and what was I supposed to do? Sit at home on a
Friday night?!
Chicago winters can be pretty
dismal, and I suddenly found myself out nearly every evening for no other
reason than sheer boredom. Although I am rarely the girl who gets wasted, I was
in fact, putting back several each night, and no matter how much I tried to
deny my new found hobby was becoming an issue, my morning headache and bank
account were there to remind me.
I decided to scale it back,
but first, I was going to begin with a 30-day detox. Part of me wanted to befriend
my liver, and part of me wanted to see if I could actually do it.
Rather than bore all of you with
the details of things I did to occupy my time (I may or may not have alphabetized
my collection of DVDs I should have just thrown in the fucking trash), I
thought I would share some insight as to what being sober entails in case you
wish to try it out for yourself.
I like to refer to my temporary
detox as “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly,” and this is what I learned during
my month of sobriety…
Everything
is terrible if you’re not drinking.
On a recent night
out, a DJ went from Aerosmith's "Dude looks like a lady" to
"Twist and Shout."
Drunk,
either one or both of those could have quite possibly been "my jam."
Sober, I considered
taking out a loan to buy the bar just to fire him.
You’re rich, bitch!
How many times during a night
out did you discover a magic card of wonder in your pocket and use that piece
of plastic to buy everyone you have ever met a shot?
Booze makes you forget you
have actual bills to pay, and you wake up Sunday morning feeling like you drunk
texted an ex. When you stop drinking, suddenly you have a ton of extra cash,
and you can finally use it to buy something other than a hangover.
You will be bored as fuck.
About two days in to my
detox, I begin to wonder, “What do people who don’t drink actually do!?” Sure
you can go out to eat or catch a movie, but after a few nights of both, you
will need to get creative. Arcades, and Bowling, and Laser Tag, oh my!
Your house will be spotless.
You may even exercise! Shit will get crazy!
Your patience will be
tested.
Suddenly every drunk person
in your presence will become the worst person you have ever met.
Remember when you used to befriend
girls you met in the bathroom or listen to someone tell you the same story forty
seven times yet remain intrigued throughout each version? When you are sober you
will want to murder anyone who even tries to talk to you…or bumps into you…or
even looks in your direction.
You will
want to go home early.
There was a
time when the lights would come on during last call, and all I would feel is
sheer disappointment as I wasn’t ready to call it a night until the sun came up.
Well have you ever been to a 4 am bar, sober? Last weekend, I made that rookie
mistake.
They say
giving up the devil’s juice will fill you with energy, but I promise that is
not true. Being annoyed with literally everyone and everything is exhausting,
and you will miss your bed almost as much as your beverage of choice.
You will
lose weight.
Everyone
knows alcohol is full of empty calories, but let’s be honest, that is not the
main thing shattering your skinny jeans.
When you’re wasted,
you get hungry. When you get hungry, you eat; and what is there to eat at 4 am?
Mexican food and pizza. Plus, when you are drunk, you don’t ever actually get
full, you just get tired of eating. Sober,
you know better and just go to sleep rather than shame eat mystery street meat
outside the bar.
Everyone is
less attractive than you once thought.
We all know
beer goggles are a real thing, and Intoxicated-ville is just a stop on the way
to Pound town. Once you stop drinking, you will realize how shitty drunk people
actually look, and it will prevent you from wanting to have sex with any of
them. Being sober is great birth control.
Everybody
will think you are pregnant.
It doesn’t
matter if you’re already thin or even if you lost all that burrito weight; if
you aren’t throwing them back, everyone will assume you’re knocked up. You will
have to order decoy soda waters with lime over and over to ensure the bartender
hates you, and people won’t assume you’ve been hoeing.
Nobody can
dance.
Through my temporary
sobriety I have discovered rhythm is a relative term. When you are hammered, you think you could dance back
up for Shakira. Better yet, you are Shakira. Vodka and those hips don't lie,
girl. When you are the only one not drinking, you quickly realize people at the
bar are a little less Beyonce, and a little more Taylor Swift at the Grammy’s.
You will
become a cheap date.
If you are
training for the drinking Olympics like I was, you develop quite a tolerance.
Once you take a little break and return to boozing, it’s like you are sipping
wine coolers back in your parents’ basement. Catching a buzz off one drink is
something I thought was about as possible as Ryan Gosling, ‘Hey Girl’ ing me
in real life.
It won’t be
pretty. It won’t be easy. You may fantasize about killing your closest friends,
but in the end, only a few were harmed. Your insides will thank you, and really
all you missed out on was a couple regrettable decisions and several cases of
Gatorade.
