I have been doing some freelance writing for various websites so I haven't had a ton of time to write for fun. I am going to start posting some of them on here so you at least have something to read until I can get back into my shenanigans. Here is one I just wrote for Matador. Enjoy!
Despite your better
judgement, you begrudgingly made a Tinder profile. You swiped until your
fingers bled. You made a few matches and had a few awkward conversations. Just
when you were about to delete the app for the 7th time, the Tinder
stars aligned, and someone didn’t say anything too stupid. Next step, meeting
up to make sure you haven’t been cat-fished.
But what does one do? Where
do you go? You don’t want to ruin the magic of having not received an
unsolicited dick pic by suggesting
the wrong place. Thank God you have me to take you away from that life.
If you’re anything like me,
you enjoy a good cocktail, and one of my favorite spots to consume fancy
beverages in peace is Billy Sunday in Logan Square. It’s quaint. It’s posh. It’s
dark (score for those week night meet ups when you’ve been up since six and
have enough baggage under your eyes to take a trip around the world).
Best of all, even if your
date sucks you can still get loaded off some of the tastiest mixed drinks in
Chicago without likely running into anyone you know. Plus, it’s located down
the street from another one of my favorite cocktail bars, Deadbolt, in case you
want to cut out early to meet up with friends without springing for another Uber.
I am more of a “Tell me
something terrible about yourself,” on the first date kind of girl, so I like
to keep things light. Dating seems like an interview for a job you’ll probably
quit in a week so why not try to keep each other from having a panic attack
during the interrogation process by doing something entertaining?
Since you’re already in Logan
Square, why not head over to Logan Hardware which is a non-douchey version of
other arcade bars in Chicago. They have pinball galore and numerous multi-player
games to show off your skills because if there is one thing the opposite sex
likes, it’s a getting their ass handed to them at Street Fighter.
You could also hit up
Diversey Rock’n’Bowl or Waveland Bowl for some good old fashioned fun. Bowling
is always a nice option since it’s acceptable to do it drunk, and you can check
out their butt a lot without them noticing.
Are you really smart or just
a dumbass who is full of useless information? Then why not hit up a Trivia
night? A really fun, non-pretentious one is “Geeks who Drink” at The Rocking
Horse. The questions aren’t as hard as some other trivia so you most likely
won’t embarrass yourself. I make no guarantees though.
If you are looking for a
little more commitment and are actually prepared to share a meal, don’t make it
too complicated. Italian will give you both garlic breath so forget about that
good night kiss, and sushi will leave you awkwardly trying to talk about
yourselves with a mouth full of rice. I mean seriously, has anyone ever looked
sexy shoveling rolls of fish into their face?
My go-to dinner date spot is
Café’ Ba-Ba- in Lincoln Park for tapas as they are bite sized, and the menu is
extensive in case you have some ridiculous dietary restriction you don’t want
to scare your date off with just yet. Mentioning you are a gluten free vegan
who only eats organic while watching your macro intake will not get you laid…
Plus, as an added bonus, the
sangria menu is just as lengthy so you can have wine and get your daily dose of
vitamins. Two birds, people.
If it’s nice out, grab a bite
outside and pretend winter isn’t coming for the next 9 months. Honey Butter
Fried Chicken or The Orbit Room (both in Avondale) have great patios where it’s
easier to grab a seat than anything in Wicker Park. The General in Logan Square
has one out back that most people are unaware exists and tacos. Tuesdays they
are also half off if you are poor but still want to impress her. Play dumb when
you arrive.
Alright folks. You have
activities, food, and booze. I have given you all the tools for a success
Tinder date. All you have to do now is try not be a creep or be extra creepy if
they are into that…
