Whelp. It’s happened again. Another
relationship bit the bullet. Just when you got cocky and thought you could
slide through winter gaining weight and bingeing Netflix, instead you have to retire
your sweats and pretending you like going out.
Don’t panic. You have been
here before and made it through virtually unscathed. Before you can get past
this split and move on there are a few things you’re probably going to do. It
won’t be pretty, but don’t be ashamed because you are not alone in your madness.
These are the twelve stages
girls go through after a break-up…
1.
Talk a lot of
shit.
I am talking copious amounts
of shit. It’s the shit talking Olympics, and you are going for the gold.
Get your girlfriends in on this.
Bring snacks. Think a book club where you all hated the book so much, you want to
throw it in a fire.
Just to clarify, I don’t
condone burning your ex alive, but reminding yourself of how many orgasms you
faked can’t hurt anything but his ego.
2.
Eat your
feelings.
Sometimes the only thing to
comfort you is comfort food so dive straight into its arms, girl. You will have
plenty of time to cry into salads when you’re middle aged so shovel some deep
fried goodness into your pie hole, and cover it with ranch and cheese while
you’re at it.
3.
Get a revenge
body.
Sometimes you take solace in
a never-ending pasta bowl and other times you do the exact opposite and take
that aggression out at the gym. Go on, and replace sex with working out so you
become really hot and then people will want to have sex with you. It’s fool
proof.
4.
Get rid of
everything he gave you or that reminds you of him.
Except that really cute
sweater that makes your boobs look great. Or that expensive handbag because hey,
you earned it for all those years of dealing with his bullshit. Ok maybe that necklace
can stay too, but that picture where you look kind of fat but he looks cute has
to go. Burn it.
5.
Fall down the
emo rabbit hole.
After every break up I like
to play a little game called, “Listen to every depressing song in existence and
see how close I can come to killing myself without actually doing it.”
I’m talking Bon Iver followed
by Dashboard Confessional sad here people.
No one really wins this game
per se, but I like to think of it as going to the dentist; It’s uncomfortable
and painful, but you have to suck it up and get it over with because you will
feel super refreshed after.
Also, you should floss. No
metaphor here, just a friendly reminder.
6.
Drastically
change your appearance.
You’re upset. Angry.
Confused. Irrational. Now seems like the perfect time to cut those bangs you spent
half your teenage years trying to grow out. In your bathroom. With dull kitchen
shears. Maybe pick up some boxed dye so you can really get the party started.
7.
Bang someone
else.
I’m pretty sure Confucius
said, “The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.” There is no guarantee you won’t feel worse
after, but it’s really hard to think about how miserable you are when all the
blood is rushing to your lady parts.
8.
Become a
creep.
Have you ever stalked someone’s
social media so hard you end up back at your own profile? Nah, me neither, and
I surely couldn’t tell you his new girlfriend’s second grade teacher’s name either.
9.
Get the fuck
out of dodge.
Pack up your problems and
take them half way around the world. You’ll probably still be bummed, but being
sad on a beach with a tiny umbrella in your drink sure beats doing it on your
couch.
10.
Retail therapy.
Go ahead, and treat yo’self
to some things you don’t need with money you don’t have to cheer yourself up.
Make sure whatever you buy is really tight or low cut so he knows what he’s
missing just in case you run into him in public, even though without fail, it
will be on the day you look like you’ve been hit by a truck.
11.
Replace human contact with alcohol.
Who needs a significant other
when you have wine? And Vodka. And Whiskey. They can keep you warm at night
too. Plus, if you drink enough you will forget all about your shitty ex, as
well as where you put your phone, or how you got home. Meh, you win some, you
lose some.
And finally,
12.
Begrudgingly re-activate your dating apps
Who knows how many potential
bachelors you have missed out on while wasting your time with Captain Fuck Boy.
You should probably swipe through a thousand just to make sure it’s just as
terrible as when you left.
At least there are always Ben
and Jerry.
