Ten ways to stay sane during the shelter in place.

Unless you are Jared Leto and have been mediating in the desert for the past month, you are fully aware of the Corona virus pandemic sweeping the globe right now. Many of us are working from home (or not working at all) and nearly all of us are in a shelter in place situation.

With no exact end date in sight, and only so much Netflix to go around, what are you supposed to do while being stuck in your home for weeks? After you’ve cleaned and done the laundry, things will start to get a little bleak so I’ve composed a list of some things to help pass the time.

1.    Organize EVERYTHING. Make that shit alphabetical. Group things by color. Arrange it by genre or origin. I’m talking records, spices, your closet, sock drawer, even your freaking tampons. Go from light to heavy flow. Marie Kondo will wish she had her period!

2.    Turn your home into a spa. No, I am not suggesting you cut your own bangs (have you learned nothing at all from your pre-teen years?!), but rather now is the time to treat yo self. Throw on a face mask. Give yourself a mani/pedi. Use up all your bath bombs. If you’re feeling crazy, put on a face mask in the bath! You choose your own adventure, girl.

3.    Pour a different glass of wine in each room of your house, and go on a wine tasting tour. Your living room can be France. Your kitchen, Italy. You can end in your bedroom with a nice box of “white” and be back in college at a frat party minus the walk of shame. Let your booze and your imagination take you away from all of this.

4.    Make a list of all the reasons your ex is in fact your ex, and read it over and over every day and especially after each wine tour. You’re alone, but you aren’t that lonely. If you’re married or linked up, make a list of all the things you love about your partner to read repeatedly after spending multiple weeks in a row with them.

5.    Face time, Skype, Zoom, Etc. it up with your friends and family. It’s important to retain some form of human contact so you are at least motivated to shower once or twice during this isolation. Eventually even you will get to a point where you’re embarrassed to be seen by anyone other than your cat so video chat with someone you know will judge you a little bit. May I suggest calling your mom who (if she is anything like mine) will most likely tell you to put on a little lipstick in case you’re rushed to the hospital, and the Dr. is cute and single.

6.    Exercise. You’re going to have to do something to counter all those doomsday snacks you hoarded and inhaled in two days so no time like the present to work on that summer body. Do that intense ab work out that makes you fart. No one is around to hear your symphony.  Do burpees until you puke. No one will see you turning green. For every time you put on a make-up to impress the cute trainer at your gym, this is your moment to actually look as disgusting working out as you deserve.

7.    Hate exercising? Why not dance like nobody is watching because nobody is! Put on your guiltiest sounding pleasure, shut the blinds, and have it like you’re Napoleon Dynamite before the school election. Bonus fun if you have some moonboots to throw on. If not, shake what your momma gave you in your underwear because only you will be around to see it jiggle.

8.    Two words: YouTube tutorials. Want to know how to do the perfect smoky eye? Always wondered how girls have the perfect pair of ripped jeans? Now is your time to shine or fail miserably while killing a few hours. Don’t stop at beauty or fashion. By the end of this you can be performing oil changes and emergency tracheostomies. The possibilities are endless.

                                                    

9.    Take a nap. No seriously. When was the last time you got the recommended 8 hours of sleep that didn’t include attempting to snooze off a regrettable Saturday night out? Maybe JUST MAYBE those bags under our eyes aren’t actually hereditary, and we have all just been tired since we were 16. I, for one, would like to experiment with anything that may help me look more youthful as we all know the Botox clinics will also be closed during this lockdown.

10. Plan all the fun. Keep a running list of each and every thing you’ve always wanted to do but never got around to doing. When this all blows over, treat it like a second chance to live your best life. Get that regrettable tattoo. Jump out of a plane. Go swim with the dolphins.

Just please, don’t text your ex.