This past weekend was Riot
Fest in Chicago which means music festival season is finally coming to a close.
Like most summer concert
attendees, you probably feel equal parts sadness and relief that although you
can’t view 15 minutes of every band you have ever enjoyed all at once, you
won’t have to deal with the awful specimen of people sweating all over you.
Daylong music fests draw in
people from all walks of life, but because my soul is filled to the core with
sass, I would like to focus on all of the worst people you will encounter at
every music festival. Some of these people are strangers while some you may
have brought with you, but regardless, they should all go play in traffic.
The “cool” parents.
Did they wake up this morning
and think, “Hey. You know what that loud, over crowded, smoky festival needs…my
children and all their shit.” You know what would have actually been cool? Hiring a sitter. Now take your double wide
stroller off my foot, and shove it up your ass.
Your ex.
Aren’t you glad you
introduced him/her to all your favorite bands? Now you get to relive the magic
with them and their new significant other.
You will lose everyone you came in with and never find them again, but
if one thing in life is certain, you will run into your ex every ten minutes for
the entire weekend.
Chatty Cathy.
You have endured days of
extreme weather, crowds, and vile porta potties just to hear that one song, and when it finally gets
played, your friend just won’t shut the fuck up. You are literally just nodding
and singing along directly into their face, but they keep going on and on about
some ex or something.
Overactive bladder.
You will spend more time
waiting for this person in the never-ending bathroom line than actually
watching bands. They are fully aware of
their inability to hold it, but it still won’t stop them from consuming 14
beers, 8 cups of coffee, and numerous flasks of Jameson. Get them a package of
Depends for Christmas or lose their number by next summer.
The drunk girl who “doesn’t
give a fuck.”
She bumped into you violently
several times, burned a passer by with her cigarette, and squeezed her way into
a spot that didn’t exist, but don’t expect an apology. After the rest of her group see the ‘I am
going to murder your friend’ look on your face they try to reason with her, but her lack of common social decency went out the
window with her morals half a dozen beers ago. I like
to let Karma (in the form of a crowd surfer kick to the head) handle this one.
The person who shits in the
porta potty.
Yeah yeah, I read the book. I
am aware that everybody poops, but that doesn’t make me hate this individual
any less. Riot fest smelled like a zoo
because you had to eat Mexican food and wash it down with beer all
afternoon. Next year be smart, fast for
several days, and spare us all the scent of your shit basking in the summer
sun.
Captain Obvious.
Oh, is it hot outside in the
middle of July? Tell me again about how crowded it is. We are all equally as uncomfortable as you,
but like adults, we mask our miserableness with alcohol so starting drinking
more and caring less. And yes, we are already aware the beer is expensive,
thanks.
Stage nine clinger.
All you wanted to do was find
a hot random to suck face with for a few songs, but suddenly red pants guy is
following you from stage to stage. You realized six minutes in to your make out
session that he was not in fact your soul mate, but now you are having a hard
time shaking him. Just tell them your friend has to pee again, and lose him at
the porta potties.
