Dear God, Allah, Jesus, or
anybody up there who is listening,
I solemnly swear to never
drink again if you can cure me of my current condition. I am obviously dying,
and I am positive without your help, nothing will ever make me feel better
again. I have tried every remedy known to man, but as the day drags on, my
condition is getting worse. I am afraid I am not going to make it.
Send my parents my love.
I know I have vowed to stop
drinking on numerous occasions in the past, but I assure you this time, no
truer words have ever been spoken. I even mean it more than last Sunday, and
the ones before that when I promised to give up the devil’s juice for good.
Please cleanse me of my
ailment, so I may begin feeding the homeless, fostering shelter dogs, and
working on a cure for cancer.
Thank you in advance,
30 something year old
me.
Dear God,
Please send pizza because I
spent my rent money on tequila shots.
You’re the best,
20 something year old me.
My bargaining with various
higher beings probably began shortly after my 30th birthday party
and has continued nearly every weekend since.
Although it is hard to pin
point the exact moment your body decides to turn on you, around 30 it takes
away one of your most prized and under-appreciated possessions…the ability to
drink all of the alcohol with little to no consequences.
If you are still in your 20s,
enjoy it while you can because I promise, you will miss it when it’s gone…especially
on Day 2 of your hangover. You could
blend up a Gatorade, Pedialyte, and Advil smoothie, and not even that could
save you.
Go ahead and forget about
that “hair of the dog” shit too because the sheer thought of trying to cure
your hangover by drinking more alcohol will make you vomit, again. Oh, and in
case you were wondering how many times a person can throw up and not actually
die, the limit does not exist.
Delayed recovery time isn’t
the only thing that drastically changes as you get older. Let us not forget
about...
Pre-gaming. In your 20s, this
is an ingenious plan to get drunker, faster, and for cheaper. In your 30s, this idea is stored in the part of
your memory with your crush on Freddie Prinze Jr. You have probably forgotten he even existed
up until this moment. Same is probably
true of purse flasks and Jagger bombs.
I’d like to say by the time
you turn 30, shots become a thing of the past, but many wasted Sundays have
taught me otherwise. However, when you
are in your 20s you take shots in order to get wasted, and when you are in your
30s, you take them because you are
wasted. Intoxicated o’clock is the only time these evil fuckers seem like a
good idea. If only your sober self could tell your 2 am self to avoid them like
the plague, or worse, well liquor…
Remember your previous
excitement in your 20s when you “won” a free open bar party? Now older and
wiser, someone would have to pay me to attend one of those shit shows. If given
the option of drinking vodka out of a plastic bottle or my toilet, I may
“Orange is the New Black” it…as long as it’s Ketel One.
Also, if you’re anything like
me, your preferred type of alcohol in your 20s was “cold,” but in your 30s nothing
excites you more than craft beers and cocktails.
Maple Bacon Ale?!
Lavender infused egg foam
with honey comb Hibiscus leaves?!
Bring. It. On.
If it has six or more
ingredients, I am all over it… just as long as I can drink it somewhere with
more chairs than there are people.
Clubs? What are these things
you speak of? Are they similar to pre-gaming? I am not familiar…
Since turning 30, my favorite
drinking spot has become my couch. The guest list is exclusive, there’s no dress
code, and the wine selection is extensive. And who said there are no advantages
to aging?
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