If you have kids, read this.

It seems lately I have become the voice for my friends without children. 

Maybe it started several months ago when I posted a blog about not wanting to hold a friend’s baby who had been spitting up á la The Exorcist for hours. 

Perhaps it was a few weeks ago when I posted about waiting patiently for coffee when a mother with a screaming toddler cut about a dozen people (already late for work) because her baby was hungry. Several of us told her, in so many words, that, “Bitch, we’re hungry too, and if you don’t get to the back of the line, there will be more than one screaming person in this restaurant…”

However, I’m willing to bet it was most recently when I applauded the owner of Alinea for banning babies after a couple of idiot parents thought it would be a good idea to bring one to a $500+ a plate, exclusive, fine dining restaurant. The baby screamed the entire meal, therefore ruining a once in a lifetime experience for the rest of the guests. Although personally, I could never afford to eat at Alinea (without selling a kidney on the Black Market) but even if I could, I would have been livid. 

And finally, today a friend tagged me in some article regarding “Things to never say to parents,” thinking she was cute.  She must have forgotten that I too am a writer, and just as easily as some mom behind a keyboard can write about the things to never say and do to parents, child-less people who also own computers can retaliate, although in a much quieter setting, with a giant glass of wine in hand.

On that note, here is a list of things you need to remember when you have children along with some things you should never say to people without them…

Not everyone wants children.  Do not ask everyone who has ever been on a second date when they are getting married and having kids or I will start asking you when you are going to lose the baby weight. Oh, is that rude?  So is asking me my ovulation schedule.

Just because someone does not want kids, does not mean they hate kids.  I personally am not a fan of little dogs, but I am not going to punt your purse puppy when you bring it over, geez. When did me deciding I don’t want to ruin my new dress with spit up mean I automatically wish all babies were banned to Stroller Island? (I am willing to bet my friend David is currently googling it while simultaneously praying it actually exists.) Seriously though, just because I do not have something, doesn't mean I loathe it.  I don't have a Maserati either, but I don't see people asking me why I hate Italian sports cars.

“But having kids gives your life purpose…”  I want you to stop and think about this one for a second, because while this may seem harmless, what you are basically telling me is my life has no meaning. I could cure cancer, stop world hunger, save all the abused animals of the world, but if I don’t wipe someone else’s ass, it was all for naught I guess. Lots of people did magnificent things without reproducing so before you decide that having kids is the measure of one's life's worth, remember Mother Theresa had no actual children. Isn't it ironic?  Don't you think…

“If you don’t have kids, what will you do all day?” Oh I don’t know, perhaps all the other things in life people do every day.  I will go to work, travel, spend time with friends, see that new slasher flick, read all of the books, eat all of the food, attend all of the concerts…whatever I want, God! It would be like me saying, “It sure would be nice to stay at home and color and play peek-a-boo all day.” 

"You don't have kids so you don't understand…" This is a pretty bold statement to make regarding anything really.  No one can possibly understand everyone else's situation. You may have been childless once, but you were never living MY life. You may be drained from the multiple nightly feedings, but perhaps I just pulled an all nighter at the end of my 60 hour work week.  Who wins the award for "most tired"?  Does it matter?  Can't we both just be busy/sleepy/hungry/and numerous other adjectives ending in "y"? This statement sounds condescending, and since we are both exhausted, maybe it's best to keep it to yourself before someone gets punched. 

You were without children once.  Remember being in a movie theater and having a screaming baby drown out that comedy you were dying to see? Remember missing your train home because some mom decided to bring her double wide stroller on during rush hour? How about the time you and your fiancé were out celebrating your anniversary dinner on date night when a toddler throwing a hissy fit ruined your romantic evening.  At some point in your life you were annoyed by some other parent's lack of social courtesy so don't turn around and become that asshole parent you once loathed. After all, karma is real, and the one night you finally get to hire a sitter, guess who's showing up on your date…

Most importantly, for the love of God, stop asking people without children what they are going to do when they get old. It's not like all those people in nursing homes are childless… Plus, children are expensive so while you are blowing all your money on ballet practices and braces, I will be saving for my future, and (fingers crossed) I will be hiring a Ryan Gosling look alike to bring me my prune juice every morning. 

The struggle is real.

A few days ago I was out to lunch with a male friend of mine, and he was bitching about how much it sucks to be a guy in today’s world. I don’t remember too much about the conversation because while he was bitching about things like “meaningless sex” and “not being able to gain weight,” I was silently plotting his death.

We argued over who has it harder, men or women, and the debate seemed never ending. In fact, if I hadn’t pointed out “the ass on that waitress,” he would probably still be complaining.

To keep you guys up to speed, it went something like this…

“Waxing.”

“Well, at least you don’t get receding hairlines.”

“I see your receding hairlines and raise you periods.”

“What about us having to deal with your crabbiness while on your periods?”

“What about I kill you now to prove you’re right?”

“What about men always dying first regardless?”

 “Uh huh. Yeah, I hear you on the whole shortened life thing but child birth.  Check. Mate.”

He some how seemed to think having a beer gut and paying for a few dates is far worse than ripping your genitals in half.

My friend also argued that other than our time of the month and “all that baby stuff” it’s smooth sailing.  Little does he know there are so many other battles women fight everyday that men couldn’t even begin to understand.

In his honor, I decided to compose a list of some of the lesser known struggles women go through on a daily basis that are usually overlooked by the male population.  Such obvious hardships as…

Trying to find the perfect balance of cute and sexy but ending up looking like a slutty 12 year old.

Any squat, ab, or clean eating challenge three days in.

Calculating exacting how many drinks it takes for you to start calling your ex boyfriend and not going one (or seven) over that number.

Bathing suit season verse margarita/BBQ/ice-cream season.

Spending a small fortune on products that never do what they are supposed to yet you can’t stop, won’t stop. No clump mascara? You sit on a throne of lies, but I need you.

Pretending you don’t burp, fart, or poop while not exploding on a regular basis.

High heels. You’re awful, I love you.

Wearing a dress and remembering not to climb out of the cab like a demon from hell.

Taking two hours to get ready to make your look seem effortless (when really most of us wake up looking liking Sloth from the Goonies).

Attempting to keep up with the boys while drinking, forgetting you are 5’2,”and waking up in your bathtub pants-less and covered in Mexican food.

I mean, or so I hear.

                               

How to win every argument ever.

I recently posted an article on my Facebook feed about Chipotle banning guns after two dumb asses in Texas brought assault riffles into one of their locations. The guys packing heat were well within the gun laws there, however many customers felt uncomfortable so Chipotle took action.

I personally like the idea of enjoying my burrito bowl without a side of machine gun, and I applaud Chipotle for realizing who their target audience is (families and college kids) and accommodating them accordingly. 

I posted the article because I frequent there and found it interesting, not because I wanted to argue gun laws and regulations for the next ten hours (I had momentary forgotten what Facebook was for apparently). I remember when Chicago passed the Concealed Carry law, my news feed blew up with gun enthusiasts and adversaries ripping each other apart…

”Guns kill people.”

“It’s my right cause ‘Merica.”

"Spoons make people fat."

All valid points guys.

Honestly, both sides of any debate will have reasonable arguments, but if the internet has taught me anything there are several infallible ways to get your point across and win every argument ever…

First, make sure you USE ALL CAPS. No one can actually hear you screaming so the only way to let them know you mean business is to turn all of your lower case letters into upper case ones.  Also, don’t forget to not use any less than 17 exclamation points because if you only add 16, people will think you aren’t serious about your cause. If you are looking for that certain je ne said quoi, don't forget to press a bunch of random buttons &^*!$%$^@* to let them know how passionate you actually are. 

It is also very important to use lots of profanity because no well thought out educated speech was ever given without numerous swear words.

“I have a mother fucking dream…” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Be sure to use the real taboo ones as well because no one is allowed to have a differing opinion without being a complete "cunt" or total "pussy".

If you really want to let people know how brilliant you actually are, start rattling off dozens of internet articles (written by someone you have never heard of on sites you didn’t know existed) which back your cause.

If you can’t find any, simply start a web page and write some yourself…just make sure you sign off as Dr. something or another so people know you're smart.

Also, you can't forget the importance of making sexist/racist/general assumptions about those who have opposing viewpoints. You won’t sound like you know what you are taking about until you judge other people you have never met.

I mean, you’re right.  People who make assumptions about strangers are always right. I am woman so I have no ground to stand on. Who let me use a computer? I earned my three college degrees in laundry, sandwich preparation, and baby making so I better stick to what I know.  Shoes!  Yay Shoes! I am so glad they didn’t ban shoes form Chipotle! AM I RIGHT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, I forgot one. !

Lastly, and this is the most important way to get your point across intelligently…you must, I repeat MUST, insult my physical appearance. No one will take your knowledge on a particular subject seriously if your rebuttal doesn't refer to your opponent as "fat" for "fugly".

More types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out.

Due to several requests for a part two, and since so many of my friends are borderline alcoholics, I decide to write another blog about the types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out.

There are just so many, how could I not?!

(You can read part one here.)

 So I present to you, even more types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out…

The “Non-Smoker”

This friend will lecture you on the dangers of smoking on a daily basis.  She constantly complains about the smell that follows you everywhere, yet once she gets a little tipsy, she is not only smoking your entire pack, she is walking up and the down street trying to buy cigarettes off people for a dollar.  By the end of the night she will sound like Scarlett Johansson and will have put the entire series of “Mad Men” to shame.

 The Lover

Once she slams a few cocktails she will start telling you about how you mean the world to her. It’s all so sweet until she gives the very same speech to each of your other friends. She really loves them as well. And that guy.  Every guy actually. Oh, and this bar. And that chair. The floor too.

Don’t forget about her new BFF (aka the bathroom attendant) who will be coming to eat with you guys later.

 Miss 1985.

This friend eats organically and refuses to take things like Advil sober, but half way through the bottle she is asking the bar back where she can score some Coke. It takes you a minute to realize she isn’t referring to the soft drink and that you are in an after school special.

Sleeping Beauty.

Or more like Sleeping Drooly, AM I RIGHT?  I’m here all week.

She is face down in a plate of nachos because you let her finish an entire bottle of wine with dinner, which happened to be approximately 6 pieces of sushi.  You brought this upon yourself you know…next time take her for double bacon cheeseburgers, and you won’t have to carry her up the three flights of stairs to her apartment.

The Baby Giraffe

While she once strutted in her six-inch heels, she is now carrying them.  They have betrayed her, much like her legs, and the ground beneath her feet.  Watching Bambi attempt to walk is oh so adorable, until you spend the next 40 minutes looking for her tooth.

Crazy eyes

One eye is focused on you while the other is about to break free from her face.  She may be composed in every other way, but her eyes tell the real story, which in this case is about how she’s a long lost relative of Steve Buscemi.

Honest Abe

Now you know why her hair was so big. 

Once she has some truth juice, all of her (and everyone else’s) deep dark secrets start coming out. Sure it’s fun to know all the hot gossip, until she spills the beans about the drunken time you made out with your friend’s little brother, who may or may not have been in high school.  Thanks a heap Captain Cosmo.

Luckily, she’s only one shot of Jamo away from telling the story about when Becky shit her pants in Puerto Vallarta, and you’re in the clear.

The Over Confident Drunk

Once she reaches that magical level of intoxicated, she suddenly thinks she is a Jack of all trades. She can be found trying to seduce a guy across the bar by grinding on a chair or attempting to sing karaoke although her voice sounds like dying cats mating. No matter how horrifying, you must endure every second so you can film it for YouTube just in case she breaks all her pinky promises to take things to the grave.

Bad Girl’s Club

This impatient drunk couldn’t be bothered to actually wait for a bartender to bring her a drink so she decided to grab a bottle and self -serve.  As you are getting thrown out while simultaneously apologizing to the bouncer, she can be found shouting obscenities at a garbage can that looked at her the wrong way.

 The Flasher

Sober, she is a lady who always bends at the knees and crosses at the ankle. Yeah, well, that was four mojitos and three lemon drops ago. Now she can’t seem to keep her lady parts contained.  She is currently ass up in the booth trying to locate her phone she dropped under the table, and when she finally emerges she will have at least one nipple exposed. 

Put her coat on backwards and tie it like a straight jacket before guys start throwing dollars her way. Better yet, start collecting those dollars because someone has to buy that bathroom attendant pizza.

I know you are, but what am I?

Last night I went by my parents’ house for dinner.  My father asked me to set the table so I grabbed a handful of knives, forks, and plates and set them out.  My mom came out of the kitchen horrified that I forgot to include several items including the charger plates.

For those of you who don’t know what they are, don’t worry.  I am pretty sure only my mother and Martha Stewart keep several sets handy at all times. 

Basically, they are large, plastic plates you set the dish that contains your food upon, but the chargers themselves are not safe for direct food consumption. 

So yeah, you got it.  They are giant, useless, toxic plates not made to be eaten off of at all.

I pointed this out, but my mom insisted I use one regardless, along with two separate forks/knives, and cloth napkins.  I tried to inform her that the President was not coming to eat crappy Chinese food with us, but she just said, “When you get married and finally decide to become an adult, you will register for things like charger plates and understand.”

Psht. She doesn’t know me at all because the first thing I will register for is “Big Top Cupcake.”

                                    

Charger plates aren’t the only item that make you a grown up apparently. There is numerous other crap you can buy to get some adult street cred so I have composed a list (because that is what adults do, they make lists right?) of all the other items in your home that let you know you are officially a real functioning member of society, sort of.

An iron/ironing board. 

Because you finally realized Downy Wrinkle reducer doesn’t actually work, and using your Chi flat iron just won’t cut it anymore. The “effortless,  just rolled out of bed” look now only applies to your hair which actually took you 45 minutes to achieve. 

A garlic press.

If you specifically went out and bought one, you have actively decided the powdered version had become too juvenile for your exquisite palate, and you needed its real counterpart. More so, it means you are actually cooking something worthwhile and not just using an old Tupperware to heat up Spaghetti O’s anymore.

A juicer. 

You have always hated eating your vegetables, but now you decide to drink a shit load of them for breakfast so you will feel less guilty eating Pizza for every other meal for the rest of the week your
life.

Alcohol. 

When you are actually able to keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet instead of just a dusty, half empty bottle of Peach Schnapps on top of your fridge, you are on your way to adulthood. However, you haven't arrived until you own…

Different glasses.

You no longer drink wine out of coffee mugs and everything else out of Red Solo cups (you don't want to admit you have washed more than once). You own a plethora of glassware including nice champagne glasses, even though you still can’t afford a decent bottle and only drink it on New Year's Eve to feel fancy.

An extra set of bed sheets.

Instead of washing your sheets, being too lazy to put them back on for days, and sleeping directly on your mattress like an animal, you have extra sheets you promptly apply. Bonus adult points if they aren’t Jersey or have a thread count above 300. If you have an actual bed skirt, coverlet, and shams as well, you should win some sort of award. 

A coffer maker.

One day you realized you actually had bills to pay so you broke up with your $10 a day Starbucks habit. Who needs a Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino when you can have Foldgers in your cup for mere pennies a day? 

You do. That’s why you buy the fancy creamers to hold you over until you get a bunch of gift cards from work on various holidays.

Furniture you didn’t have to put together.

There will come a time when a trip to Ikea will make you cry and just the mere thought of assembling a dresser will leave you wanting to kill yourself. You will never be able to avoid Swedish Hell on Earth entirely, but at least now you have all that liquor handy when your friends drag you there on a Saturday afternoon with the promise of "fifteen minutes tops" and a cinnamon roll. 

A paint color any form of beige.

I don’t care if it’s called “Eggshell". If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s beige, and you’re officially old. If everything else in the room is beige as well, you're Pottery Barn.

Paper goods.

When you have tissues in your bathroom, napkins in your kitchen, and toilet paper stocked in your home at all times, you are half way there. When you have finally established the difference and stop blowing your nose on paper towels, you have made it!

And last but not least…

Useless items.

If you have candles you never burn and soaps you will never use, congratulations, you are finally an adult. You might as well start watching your cholesterol and flossing twice daily. Just make sure not to dry your hands or face on the fancy towels.