New Year, new you. At least for a full week.

It's a new year, and right about now we will all begin our resolutions. The gym will be packed for several weeks until they are broken, much like my hopes and dreams of being arm pit fat free…

Every year on January first so many of us vow to do or not do certain things anymore so I thought I would try to make our goals and aspirations a bit more realistic.  As my belated holiday gift to you, I present some New Year’s Resolutions you may actually be able to keep…

In 2015, vow to get it on a little more. Sex releases dopamine which is your body’s natural way of getting happy, and happy people aren’t assholes so bang your significant other, bang your neighbor, bang yourself! Just get busy, and stop being such a dick.

What is the number one resolution of all time? Lose weight/eat better.  Let’s be realistic here... I personally, have already polished off a cheesecake left over from my New Year’s Party.  If you are anything like me, you may want to start out small by consuming more fruits and veggies so why not drink a Bloody Mary? It’s full of tomatoes and celery. Wine = grapes. I also hear there is a potato in every beer. You’re welcome.

If you are anything like me, you’ll dream all day about getting home so you can sleep but instead stay up half the night falling down the YouTube rabbit hole. (I’ve seen some things, man. I’ve seen some things.) This year, vow to get more sleep and take more naps so people stop asking you if you are getting sick (which we all know is code for, "Which hole did you crawl out of this morning?") Good news though, passing out still counts as sleep, technically.

Ladies, this year let’s vow to shave our legs, even in the winter…or at least during the other 3 seasons…ok fine, throughout summer only. Just when we are going to be wearing shorts or a skirt. From the knee down. Fuck it. Wear more yoga pants. Ladies, this year let’s wear more yoga pants. 

Now is the perfect time to ditch everyone in your life that has become a pain in the ass. I don’t care if you are 20 years old. Don’t bother waiting until you are 30, and you feel like the emotional equivalent of a meth addict’s face. If they suck now, they will suck in ten years…unless they actually suck in which case, fellas, maybe you want to keep them around for that purpose.

Another popular resolution is “save more money.” How about we all agree to stop buying shit we don’t need with money we don’t have unless it’s something really special because you absolutely need a life size cut out of Daryl Dixon.  If anyone tells you otherwise, you get rid of that person because you don’t need that kind of negatively in your life, remember?

One thing a lot of us need to stop doing is leaving our credit cards at bars. I know what you are thinking…perhaps “drinking less” should be the resolution here, but don’t be ridiculous.  How else am I going to get my daily-recommended servings of fruit and vegetables?

All of the exes.

Taylor Swift recently released a new video called “Blank Space” in which she plays the crazy girlfriend/soon to be ex-girlfriend. If you are a (not so closet) Taylor fan like I am, you have probably watched the video a dozen times or sang along (terribly) in the shower.  Love her or hate her, either way the video is fantastic, and Miss Swift got me thinking about being an ex and what that entails.  Once a relationship ends, you can either be the bigger person and calmly move on or you could literally be the bigger person and let yourself go, and everything in between.

On that note, I thought it would be fun to explore the types of exes we all have, or have all been…

The ex who bangs all your friends.

While you two were together they couldn’t stand your friends, and you wanted nothing more than for everyone to get along. Well, be careful what you wish for because their genitals have now become besties, and you get to hear all about it from everyone else.

The ex who got super hot.

During the duration of your relationship you two collected enough pizza coupons to end world hunger so imagine your dismay when you broke up and discovered they had become even better looking than when you two first met.  Did she get new boobs?  Did he grow a beard? Yep, and they both got personal trainers who they are probably banging. Suddenly you can no longer see their flaws because you have become blinded by their hotness. Meanwhile, you are probably …

The ex who let themself go.

While your ex was hitting the gym, you were eating your feelings.  Although shacking up with Ben and Jerry was comforting, neither one will fill the void of a penis in your vagina. Get your ass to the gym, just make sure it’s not the same one your ex is frequenting or you will risk becoming…

The stalker ex.

Isn’t it weird how they keep “accidently” showing up everywhere you go? This ex  stalks your social media so hard, they end up back at their own profile. Stop checking into places and try to only post pictures where you look amazing and are surrounded by good looking people of the opposite sex. Really, really, ridiculously, good looking people.

The ex who has ruined a particular sexual act for you.

Ladies, did you see God when he went down on you? Guys, did she give you a blowjob so good you were wondering what the hell those things you had before were called? If your bedroom hosted the Olympics, they would win the bronze, silver, and gold. From here on out, it’s all a heaping pile of garbage, but if you play your cards right, maybe they will become…

The ideal ex.

Also known as the one you still get to bang but don’t have to deal with.  There is little to no conversation between you guys. In fact, the only thing you two exchange are orgasms. You don’t even have to pretend to like each other, which is just valuable wasted energy you could be using for sex.

The ex who marries the next person they date.

This ex was “never looking for anything serious,” but three months after your break up they are engaged. You’re just like “Good Luck Chuck” except you won’t get to bang anybody as good looking as Jessica Alba.

The ex who stays close with your family.

As if suffering through your second cousin’s baby shower wasn’t bad enough, now you get to spend it with your ex because that fucker befriended all of your relatives. If you are really lucky, you’ll get to hear all about their engagement after they have lunch with your mom (who let’s be honest, probably likes them better).

The ex on a bender.

This former homebody was actually in a relationship with Netflix while you two were supposed to be dating, but as soon as you broke up, they became the life of the party. Every. Single. Night. Funny, because you didn’t know they allowed sweat pants in the club.

The ex you’re still friends with.

Sometimes two people can be totally wrong for each other but come to the realization they still appreciate and love the other person as a human being so they remain friends.  How mature of you two huh? Keep in mind this ex can also be referred to as “the ex that will piss off every future significant other until the end of time.”

The crazy ex.

I know people hate the word “crazy,” but let’s face it, there is really only one word to describe the shit storm that ensues when you two finally call it quits. There are the hateful texts, even angrier voicemails, and the keeping hostage of your shit.  You probably never want to talk to this person again, but you really miss your favorite sweatshirt. Don’t make a rookie mistake, and get it back before you change your number.

The ex you hate with the fire of a thousand suns.

Everyone has that one ex you hope would get hit with a bus…you are driving. Maybe this person banged all your friends or perhaps they still have your dog…either way, you hope they come down with one of the random scary viruses all over the media. You aren’t picky, Ebola is fine. Bird flu will also suffice.

The one that got away.

Tear* Perhaps this was your first love. Maybe it was bad timing. For whatever reason, it never worked out according to plan, but you will always look back on them fondly and wonder what could have been…just as long as they didn’t let themselves go.

Feminism Smeminism.

Late at night when I can’t sleep, I like to scour my favorite internet sites and read random articles about life, sex, and however many reasons I should or shouldn’t do something. However, recently I spend more time rolling my eyes than learning awful sex tip number 86982301.

It seems lately every other article is promoting feminism, and even though I am a woman, I can’t help but think, yawn* is this is still a thing?

Before you ladies start lighting the torches, I am not talking about equality in the workforce. I am aware women make 77 cents to every dollar men do, (which needs to change), but not shaving your legs isn’t going to make that happen. Trust me. Every winter I go extended periods of time wearing high socks and avoiding human contact, and I never once received a raise because of it. Refusing to wear tampons because “menstruating is something that women shouldn't be ashamed of doing,” isn’t going to prove a point either…unless that point is you like to ruin your clothing and furniture.  Yes people, “Free Bleeding” is a thing; look it up, but not while you are eating.

Personally, I have never once felt inferior to a man because I don’t even acknowledge that we are really that different.  Sure, some men are bigger or stronger than I am, but so are some women. Personally, I know plenty at my gym who you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark alley, and plenty of men whose asses I can kick. I've met numerous men who are more/less successful than me, and the same goes for women. I’ve come across men who are smarter than I am, and some men I just want to pet while saying, “So pretty.” I have just always considered that a little thing called "life."

I came across an article saying women who let a man pay for the date or pull out their chairs are “pathetic.” Well call me Captain Pitiful because I believe in Chivalry. I also believe in common fucking decency and holding a door open for anyone regardless of their gender. If a man wants to buy me a drink, I will gladly accept it. Sure, I can afford my own drinks, but I won’t get upset with a man for offering to buy me one.  If a woman, dog, alien, or Sasquatch offers me a cocktail, I will gladly accept that too because FREE BOOZE  people.

Another article even tried to tell me I wear make up because men have put pressure on me to look beautiful at all times. Yeah, uh huh, that, or maybe I prefer people not telling me I look tired which everyone knows is the nicest way of saying, “You look like shit.”  Perhaps I like tricking people into thinking I slept a full 8 hours instead of watching “The Sandlot” for the 20 millionth time at 3 am.  *On a side note, why is that movie always on at obscure times? Get it together ABC Family!

Now I know someone, somewhere is burning a bra and reading this in disgust, but you know what? I like my bras.  They are pretty, and lacy, and they keep my boobs from punching me in the face. I have spent far too much of my woman salary to set them on fire. If anything, I would like to burn Victoria for charging so damn much for her secrets…

You know what else? I also love dresses, not because they were “created by a man to sexualize women” but because fuck pants.  Have you ever felt a warm summer breeze on your lady parts? Well it’s delightful.

I wear heels because I am 5’ 2,” and every now and then it’s nice to not huff armpit the entire night. I also love the idea of appearing to lose five pounds without having to cry into salads for weeks. It never once crossed my mind whether or not they were designed by a man. They had me at artificial slimming effect.

I enjoy cooking and baking because I love to eat, with no correlation to the stereotype that “a woman’s place is in the kitchen.” If that is where the food is, that is exactly where I want to be. Put a fridge in the attic, and that’s where you’ll find my ass.

I also like Disney films.  Does that mean I am giving in to the idea of women being “helpless victims who need a man to save them?” Fuck no.  I like singing and cartoons.

Everyone needs to relax.

If you want to go to work while your husband stays home with the kids, then do it. If you don’t want to give into gender roles/stereotypes, then don’t, but if I want to cook dinner for my future husband in a pair of high heels and nothing else, that’s my damn prerogative. If you want to braid your armpit hair, that’s yours. However, I’m willing to bet I end up with my happily ever after first, and you bet your ass there will be a sweet song about it.