How to win every argument ever.

I recently posted an article on my Facebook feed about Chipotle banning guns after two dumb asses in Texas brought assault riffles into one of their locations. The guys packing heat were well within the gun laws there, however many customers felt uncomfortable so Chipotle took action.

I personally like the idea of enjoying my burrito bowl without a side of machine gun, and I applaud Chipotle for realizing who their target audience is (families and college kids) and accommodating them accordingly. 

I posted the article because I frequent there and found it interesting, not because I wanted to argue gun laws and regulations for the next ten hours (I had momentary forgotten what Facebook was for apparently). I remember when Chicago passed the Concealed Carry law, my news feed blew up with gun enthusiasts and adversaries ripping each other apart…

”Guns kill people.”

“It’s my right cause ‘Merica.”

"Spoons make people fat."

All valid points guys.

Honestly, both sides of any debate will have reasonable arguments, but if the internet has taught me anything there are several infallible ways to get your point across and win every argument ever…

First, make sure you USE ALL CAPS. No one can actually hear you screaming so the only way to let them know you mean business is to turn all of your lower case letters into upper case ones.  Also, don’t forget to not use any less than 17 exclamation points because if you only add 16, people will think you aren’t serious about your cause. If you are looking for that certain je ne said quoi, don't forget to press a bunch of random buttons &^*!$%$^@* to let them know how passionate you actually are. 

It is also very important to use lots of profanity because no well thought out educated speech was ever given without numerous swear words.

“I have a mother fucking dream…” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Be sure to use the real taboo ones as well because no one is allowed to have a differing opinion without being a complete "cunt" or total "pussy".

If you really want to let people know how brilliant you actually are, start rattling off dozens of internet articles (written by someone you have never heard of on sites you didn’t know existed) which back your cause.

If you can’t find any, simply start a web page and write some yourself…just make sure you sign off as Dr. something or another so people know you're smart.

Also, you can't forget the importance of making sexist/racist/general assumptions about those who have opposing viewpoints. You won’t sound like you know what you are taking about until you judge other people you have never met.

I mean, you’re right.  People who make assumptions about strangers are always right. I am woman so I have no ground to stand on. Who let me use a computer? I earned my three college degrees in laundry, sandwich preparation, and baby making so I better stick to what I know.  Shoes!  Yay Shoes! I am so glad they didn’t ban shoes form Chipotle! AM I RIGHT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, I forgot one. !

Lastly, and this is the most important way to get your point across intelligently…you must, I repeat MUST, insult my physical appearance. No one will take your knowledge on a particular subject seriously if your rebuttal doesn't refer to your opponent as "fat" for "fugly".

More types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out.

Due to several requests for a part two, and since so many of my friends are borderline alcoholics, I decide to write another blog about the types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out.

There are just so many, how could I not?!

(You can read part one here.)

 So I present to you, even more types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out…

The “Non-Smoker”

This friend will lecture you on the dangers of smoking on a daily basis.  She constantly complains about the smell that follows you everywhere, yet once she gets a little tipsy, she is not only smoking your entire pack, she is walking up and the down street trying to buy cigarettes off people for a dollar.  By the end of the night she will sound like Scarlett Johansson and will have put the entire series of “Mad Men” to shame.

 The Lover

Once she slams a few cocktails she will start telling you about how you mean the world to her. It’s all so sweet until she gives the very same speech to each of your other friends. She really loves them as well. And that guy.  Every guy actually. Oh, and this bar. And that chair. The floor too.

Don’t forget about her new BFF (aka the bathroom attendant) who will be coming to eat with you guys later.

 Miss 1985.

This friend eats organically and refuses to take things like Advil sober, but half way through the bottle she is asking the bar back where she can score some Coke. It takes you a minute to realize she isn’t referring to the soft drink and that you are in an after school special.

Sleeping Beauty.

Or more like Sleeping Drooly, AM I RIGHT?  I’m here all week.

She is face down in a plate of nachos because you let her finish an entire bottle of wine with dinner, which happened to be approximately 6 pieces of sushi.  You brought this upon yourself you know…next time take her for double bacon cheeseburgers, and you won’t have to carry her up the three flights of stairs to her apartment.

The Baby Giraffe

While she once strutted in her six-inch heels, she is now carrying them.  They have betrayed her, much like her legs, and the ground beneath her feet.  Watching Bambi attempt to walk is oh so adorable, until you spend the next 40 minutes looking for her tooth.

Crazy eyes

One eye is focused on you while the other is about to break free from her face.  She may be composed in every other way, but her eyes tell the real story, which in this case is about how she’s a long lost relative of Steve Buscemi.

Honest Abe

Now you know why her hair was so big. 

Once she has some truth juice, all of her (and everyone else’s) deep dark secrets start coming out. Sure it’s fun to know all the hot gossip, until she spills the beans about the drunken time you made out with your friend’s little brother, who may or may not have been in high school.  Thanks a heap Captain Cosmo.

Luckily, she’s only one shot of Jamo away from telling the story about when Becky shit her pants in Puerto Vallarta, and you’re in the clear.

The Over Confident Drunk

Once she reaches that magical level of intoxicated, she suddenly thinks she is a Jack of all trades. She can be found trying to seduce a guy across the bar by grinding on a chair or attempting to sing karaoke although her voice sounds like dying cats mating. No matter how horrifying, you must endure every second so you can film it for YouTube just in case she breaks all her pinky promises to take things to the grave.

Bad Girl’s Club

This impatient drunk couldn’t be bothered to actually wait for a bartender to bring her a drink so she decided to grab a bottle and self -serve.  As you are getting thrown out while simultaneously apologizing to the bouncer, she can be found shouting obscenities at a garbage can that looked at her the wrong way.

 The Flasher

Sober, she is a lady who always bends at the knees and crosses at the ankle. Yeah, well, that was four mojitos and three lemon drops ago. Now she can’t seem to keep her lady parts contained.  She is currently ass up in the booth trying to locate her phone she dropped under the table, and when she finally emerges she will have at least one nipple exposed. 

Put her coat on backwards and tie it like a straight jacket before guys start throwing dollars her way. Better yet, start collecting those dollars because someone has to buy that bathroom attendant pizza.

I know you are, but what am I?

Last night I went by my parents’ house for dinner.  My father asked me to set the table so I grabbed a handful of knives, forks, and plates and set them out.  My mom came out of the kitchen horrified that I forgot to include several items including the charger plates.

For those of you who don’t know what they are, don’t worry.  I am pretty sure only my mother and Martha Stewart keep several sets handy at all times. 

Basically, they are large, plastic plates you set the dish that contains your food upon, but the chargers themselves are not safe for direct food consumption. 

So yeah, you got it.  They are giant, useless, toxic plates not made to be eaten off of at all.

I pointed this out, but my mom insisted I use one regardless, along with two separate forks/knives, and cloth napkins.  I tried to inform her that the President was not coming to eat crappy Chinese food with us, but she just said, “When you get married and finally decide to become an adult, you will register for things like charger plates and understand.”

Psht. She doesn’t know me at all because the first thing I will register for is “Big Top Cupcake.”

                                    

Charger plates aren’t the only item that make you a grown up apparently. There is numerous other crap you can buy to get some adult street cred so I have composed a list (because that is what adults do, they make lists right?) of all the other items in your home that let you know you are officially a real functioning member of society, sort of.

An iron/ironing board. 

Because you finally realized Downy Wrinkle reducer doesn’t actually work, and using your Chi flat iron just won’t cut it anymore. The “effortless,  just rolled out of bed” look now only applies to your hair which actually took you 45 minutes to achieve. 

A garlic press.

If you specifically went out and bought one, you have actively decided the powdered version had become too juvenile for your exquisite palate, and you needed its real counterpart. More so, it means you are actually cooking something worthwhile and not just using an old Tupperware to heat up Spaghetti O’s anymore.

A juicer. 

You have always hated eating your vegetables, but now you decide to drink a shit load of them for breakfast so you will feel less guilty eating Pizza for every other meal for the rest of the week your
life.

Alcohol. 

When you are actually able to keep a fully stocked liquor cabinet instead of just a dusty, half empty bottle of Peach Schnapps on top of your fridge, you are on your way to adulthood. However, you haven't arrived until you own…

Different glasses.

You no longer drink wine out of coffee mugs and everything else out of Red Solo cups (you don't want to admit you have washed more than once). You own a plethora of glassware including nice champagne glasses, even though you still can’t afford a decent bottle and only drink it on New Year's Eve to feel fancy.

An extra set of bed sheets.

Instead of washing your sheets, being too lazy to put them back on for days, and sleeping directly on your mattress like an animal, you have extra sheets you promptly apply. Bonus adult points if they aren’t Jersey or have a thread count above 300. If you have an actual bed skirt, coverlet, and shams as well, you should win some sort of award. 

A coffer maker.

One day you realized you actually had bills to pay so you broke up with your $10 a day Starbucks habit. Who needs a Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino when you can have Foldgers in your cup for mere pennies a day? 

You do. That’s why you buy the fancy creamers to hold you over until you get a bunch of gift cards from work on various holidays.

Furniture you didn’t have to put together.

There will come a time when a trip to Ikea will make you cry and just the mere thought of assembling a dresser will leave you wanting to kill yourself. You will never be able to avoid Swedish Hell on Earth entirely, but at least now you have all that liquor handy when your friends drag you there on a Saturday afternoon with the promise of "fifteen minutes tops" and a cinnamon roll. 

A paint color any form of beige.

I don’t care if it’s called “Eggshell". If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s beige, and you’re officially old. If everything else in the room is beige as well, you're Pottery Barn.

Paper goods.

When you have tissues in your bathroom, napkins in your kitchen, and toilet paper stocked in your home at all times, you are half way there. When you have finally established the difference and stop blowing your nose on paper towels, you have made it!

And last but not least…

Useless items.

If you have candles you never burn and soaps you will never use, congratulations, you are finally an adult. You might as well start watching your cholesterol and flossing twice daily. Just make sure not to dry your hands or face on the fancy towels.

This is a blog about penises.

I just got back to Chicago from vacation in sunny San Diego so naturally I hate everyone and everything.  However, I did have a great time so it was worth the current state of hypothermia I am experiencing.

I made it my personal mission to visit every beach within 50 miles, including one that happened to be a nude beach.  While I was aware that Black’s Beach had a nude side, I did not think it was the one closest to the parking lot after hiking down the path. Imagine my surprise when I reached the bottom and was greeted by a man wearing nothing but sunglasses and a smile.

My friend and I found a spot a respectable distance from any given sun bathing naked man and laid out to work on our tans.  Within minutes I realized it was impossible to do anything besides stare directly at every single penis passing by no matter how horrifying.

I haven’t had nightmares like that since sister of the year let me watch “The Exorcist” when I was eight…

Most of said men were old so I’m sure they no longer gave a fuck what they looked like, however there were several guys of all ages, shapes, and um, sizes who didn’t seem to care as well. One young guy in particular set up shop no more then ten feet away from us and proceeded to lie out a la Burt Reynolds on that bear skin rug.

While “Burt” presented himself, another older gentleman paced up and down the beach making the women feel uncomfortable and the men feel inadequate.  

My friend and I began to discuss the obvious, and we both agreed that neither of us would bang him with each other’s vagina. He seemed to think he was doing the world a favor by showing it off, but really he just scarred me and my friend for life… and probably both halves of any woman who has ever slept with him.

We got into the discussion of which is worse: a small dick or an extra large one? And since my mother doesn’t read this blog, let’s talk about penises!

According to a study my friends and I have unknowingly been working on for years, penis size does matter, but not in the way you would obviously think.

I know most women will instantly jump for/on the excessive one, but the truth is, there is such a thing as TOO big.  Sleeping with a guy with an enormous penis is like getting tattooed: It’s going to hurt, you will probably need ibuprofen and a bottle of Jack, and it may take several attempts (if you decide to even finish). 

There is definitely a line (which the dude on the beach could have drawn in the sand) between big and practical joke big, and trust me, if Ron Jeremy there was your boyfriend, you would spend less time laughing, and more time icing your lady parts.

Now what about the latter? Ladies, we all know a tiny wiener is less fun to play with, but if you really like a guy and he is really good with his other body parts, I feel as if most of us are willing to make an exception….at least for the duration of the relationship because we all know the minute you two break up you will refer to him as “Tiny Tim” and laugh with your friends.

I happened to date the Guinness World Record holder for World’s Smallest Dick back in college, and he is currently married to a pretty hot chick while beach penis wasn’t wearing a ring (I checked because I actually felt sorry for his possible wife). Coincidence?  I think not.

Personally, I would rather my man be average and experienced (and have my vagina stay intact) than huge and completely useless. After all it’s the motion in the ocean, and no one needs a Tsumani fucking up their (sand)box.

Haters gonna hate.

I have been writing for a few years now, but it wasn’t until recently that a popular, third party site had begun to publish my work. It also wasn’t until recently that I learned a few things about what that entails.

Having your blogs shared with a vast audience of people is rather exciting and something anyone should be proud of accomplishing so I wish people would stop shitting all over it.  Remember that saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say then say it anonymously in the comment section?" Funny, I don’t recall that one either, but according to every single article I have read online, that seems to be a popular mantra.

I never understood the concept of leaving negative comments, anonymously or not, on someone's creative outlet. It's a simple concept really. If you didn't enjoy whatever they created, don't read it, watch it, or listen to it again. Breaking News! It takes more effort to express your disdain than it does to keep scrolling.  If you have time to re-write a never ending story expressing your negative opinions then you definitely have time to write something more worthwhile. Just keep in mind someone like yourself will probably rip it apart faster than a gold digger to a pre-nup.

Now I understand my sense of humor is sarcastic, sometimes sick, and usually inappropriate so it doesn’t mean it’s for everybody. If you are overtly sensitive, I am not your gal Sunday, and I have even considered put a disclaimer at the beginning of each blog…"If you don’t love booze, dick jokes, or ‘Step Brothers’ references, you may want to move along.”

I have also discovered that no matter what I write about, I will inevitably piss someone off. If I write about making my boyfriend a sandwich, the feminists will attack me.  If I publish a piece about the color blue, people will call me a racist for not writing about the other colors. I could talk about how much I love peanut butter, however the jelly enthusiasts will declare war, and let’s be honest, the war on Jiffy is one nobody wins.

If you too are a writer or considering being one, do not let the internet bullies of the world affect your willingness to share your art. Write about whatever interests you, and people with a like mind will read it. If there are people who have sexual relationships with inanimate objects, there will be someone who can identify with your work.

And now since I have probably just offended someone who is marrying their Mustang next week, I will most likely be attacked so I leave you with this…

Remember, comment sections are like that kid in the second grade who came down with the first case of the "cooties"... they are disgusting and should be avoided at all costs.