Adventures in Tindering.

For months I have been hearing people talk about a dating app called Tinder, and after several pushes from my friends, I finally decided to see what all the fuss was about.

It turns out everyone on Facebook must be lying about getting married, because the entire world is single and currently on Tinder. I saw people I knew, people I am glad I did not, and a whole lot of nipples. Apparently there is a shirt shortage and a cargo pant surplus going on within 10 miles of my apartment…

Either way, I learned a lot throughout my experience so if against all your better judgment, you decide to give Tinder a try as well, here is some helpful advice to get you through the process…

First, you need to create a profile so find the best pictures of you in existence. Remember when you had food poisoning in ’09 and lost ten pounds with out even trying? Grab a picture of that and post it immediately. Also, be sure to add a bunch of photos of yourself having (what most of society would consider as) fun.  Eating cold Chinese take out in your underwear while working your way through Netflix may be your (ok my) idea of fun, but it will not get you laid. You know what must get you laid though? Tigers, because every other guy was posing with one…

Once you have collected a decent amount of Instagram filtered photos featuring jungle animals, you are ready to write your bio. If you are a girl, you don’t really need to say anything because no guy is actually reading it, but to improve your odds, talk about anal and sandwiches. If you are a guy, be sure to mention your height, but only if you are over six feet tall. If you are short, use words like “CEO” and “Black Card.” You can also post a picture of yourself with a large group of attractive females because if there is one thing us women love, it’s a ladies man with a ton of competition.

When your profile is complete, you are ready to find a match. A screen swipe to the right means, “I like your face and would consider mauling it if you are not a closet fatty,” while a swipe to the left means, “I wouldn’t fuck you with my friend’s dick or vagina.”

Get ready to lose endless hours of sleep. See, Tinder is the drug you knew you shouldn’t have tried in the first place, but now you are addicted. It has become your personal mission to view every single person’s profile within a certain mile radius only to deem a handful worthy of your time. Therefore, this is also the point during your Tinder experience where you will become drunk with power. You will develop a keen ability to swipe left with rapid speed. In fact, you will become such a judgmental asshole, as karma, you will accidently swipe left to some of the most beautiful people you have ever seen.  Take a moment to mourn each loss, but know you completely deserve it.

When you manage to move on from such tragedy, you may come across another human you wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers, and if that person also finds you aesthetically pleasing, you become a match.

If you are a girl, you can just sit back and receive compliments from random strangers who have absolutely never messaged any other women with the same tag line of “Hello gorgeous. Your eyes are really beautiful.”  Several will ask you a simple question like “What is your favorite color?” then proceed to give you an explanation of your entire life based off of your fondness for turquoise. If you are really lucky, some guys won’t even greet you but rather ask if you want to meet them out for a drink at that very moment, even if it’s 3 am.  

If you are a guy, try to avoid doing any of those things, especially the last one. It’s always best to try not to give the impression your potential match will end up in a bathtub full of ice. If you are serious about meeting your soul mate, get to know her. You will also have to pretend you actually give a shit about her cat or recent juice cleanse. If it’s “just the tip,” you are looking to play, hit up Adult Friend Finder and save that poor girl from a relationship with Ben and Jerry later on…

Whatever you are hoping to get out of your Tinder experience, “murdered” is not one of them so don’t be a dumbass. Be safe, have fun, and most of all, try not to get chlamydia.

If you have kids, read this.

It seems lately I have become the voice for my friends without children. 

Maybe it started several months ago when I posted a blog about not wanting to hold a friend’s baby who had been spitting up á la The Exorcist for hours. 

Perhaps it was a few weeks ago when I posted about waiting patiently for coffee when a mother with a screaming toddler cut about a dozen people (already late for work) because her baby was hungry. Several of us told her, in so many words, that, “Bitch, we’re hungry too, and if you don’t get to the back of the line, there will be more than one screaming person in this restaurant…”

However, I’m willing to bet it was most recently when I applauded the owner of Alinea for banning babies after a couple of idiot parents thought it would be a good idea to bring one to a $500+ a plate, exclusive, fine dining restaurant. The baby screamed the entire meal, therefore ruining a once in a lifetime experience for the rest of the guests. Although personally, I could never afford to eat at Alinea (without selling a kidney on the Black Market) but even if I could, I would have been livid. 

And finally, today a friend tagged me in some article regarding “Things to never say to parents,” thinking she was cute.  She must have forgotten that I too am a writer, and just as easily as some mom behind a keyboard can write about the things to never say and do to parents, child-less people who also own computers can retaliate, although in a much quieter setting, with a giant glass of wine in hand.

On that note, here is a list of things you need to remember when you have children along with some things you should never say to people without them…

Not everyone wants children.  Do not ask everyone who has ever been on a second date when they are getting married and having kids or I will start asking you when you are going to lose the baby weight. Oh, is that rude?  So is asking me my ovulation schedule.

Just because someone does not want kids, does not mean they hate kids.  I personally am not a fan of little dogs, but I am not going to punt your purse puppy when you bring it over, geez. When did me deciding I don’t want to ruin my new dress with spit up mean I automatically wish all babies were banned to Stroller Island? (I am willing to bet my friend David is currently googling it while simultaneously praying it actually exists.) Seriously though, just because I do not have something, doesn't mean I loathe it.  I don't have a Maserati either, but I don't see people asking me why I hate Italian sports cars.

“But having kids gives your life purpose…”  I want you to stop and think about this one for a second, because while this may seem harmless, what you are basically telling me is my life has no meaning. I could cure cancer, stop world hunger, save all the abused animals of the world, but if I don’t wipe someone else’s ass, it was all for naught I guess. Lots of people did magnificent things without reproducing so before you decide that having kids is the measure of one's life's worth, remember Mother Theresa had no actual children. Isn't it ironic?  Don't you think…

“If you don’t have kids, what will you do all day?” Oh I don’t know, perhaps all the other things in life people do every day.  I will go to work, travel, spend time with friends, see that new slasher flick, read all of the books, eat all of the food, attend all of the concerts…whatever I want, God! It would be like me saying, “It sure would be nice to stay at home and color and play peek-a-boo all day.” 

"You don't have kids so you don't understand…" This is a pretty bold statement to make regarding anything really.  No one can possibly understand everyone else's situation. You may have been childless once, but you were never living MY life. You may be drained from the multiple nightly feedings, but perhaps I just pulled an all nighter at the end of my 60 hour work week.  Who wins the award for "most tired"?  Does it matter?  Can't we both just be busy/sleepy/hungry/and numerous other adjectives ending in "y"? This statement sounds condescending, and since we are both exhausted, maybe it's best to keep it to yourself before someone gets punched. 

You were without children once.  Remember being in a movie theater and having a screaming baby drown out that comedy you were dying to see? Remember missing your train home because some mom decided to bring her double wide stroller on during rush hour? How about the time you and your fiancé were out celebrating your anniversary dinner on date night when a toddler throwing a hissy fit ruined your romantic evening.  At some point in your life you were annoyed by some other parent's lack of social courtesy so don't turn around and become that asshole parent you once loathed. After all, karma is real, and the one night you finally get to hire a sitter, guess who's showing up on your date…

Most importantly, for the love of God, stop asking people without children what they are going to do when they get old. It's not like all those people in nursing homes are childless… Plus, children are expensive so while you are blowing all your money on ballet practices and braces, I will be saving for my future, and (fingers crossed) I will be hiring a Ryan Gosling look alike to bring me my prune juice every morning. 

The struggle is real.

A few days ago I was out to lunch with a male friend of mine, and he was bitching about how much it sucks to be a guy in today’s world. I don’t remember too much about the conversation because while he was bitching about things like “meaningless sex” and “not being able to gain weight,” I was silently plotting his death.

We argued over who has it harder, men or women, and the debate seemed never ending. In fact, if I hadn’t pointed out “the ass on that waitress,” he would probably still be complaining.

To keep you guys up to speed, it went something like this…

“Waxing.”

“Well, at least you don’t get receding hairlines.”

“I see your receding hairlines and raise you periods.”

“What about us having to deal with your crabbiness while on your periods?”

“What about I kill you now to prove you’re right?”

“What about men always dying first regardless?”

 “Uh huh. Yeah, I hear you on the whole shortened life thing but child birth.  Check. Mate.”

He some how seemed to think having a beer gut and paying for a few dates is far worse than ripping your genitals in half.

My friend also argued that other than our time of the month and “all that baby stuff” it’s smooth sailing.  Little does he know there are so many other battles women fight everyday that men couldn’t even begin to understand.

In his honor, I decided to compose a list of some of the lesser known struggles women go through on a daily basis that are usually overlooked by the male population.  Such obvious hardships as…

Trying to find the perfect balance of cute and sexy but ending up looking like a slutty 12 year old.

Any squat, ab, or clean eating challenge three days in.

Calculating exacting how many drinks it takes for you to start calling your ex boyfriend and not going one (or seven) over that number.

Bathing suit season verse margarita/BBQ/ice-cream season.

Spending a small fortune on products that never do what they are supposed to yet you can’t stop, won’t stop. No clump mascara? You sit on a throne of lies, but I need you.

Pretending you don’t burp, fart, or poop while not exploding on a regular basis.

High heels. You’re awful, I love you.

Wearing a dress and remembering not to climb out of the cab like a demon from hell.

Taking two hours to get ready to make your look seem effortless (when really most of us wake up looking liking Sloth from the Goonies).

Attempting to keep up with the boys while drinking, forgetting you are 5’2,”and waking up in your bathtub pants-less and covered in Mexican food.

I mean, or so I hear.

                               

How to win every argument ever.

I recently posted an article on my Facebook feed about Chipotle banning guns after two dumb asses in Texas brought assault riffles into one of their locations. The guys packing heat were well within the gun laws there, however many customers felt uncomfortable so Chipotle took action.

I personally like the idea of enjoying my burrito bowl without a side of machine gun, and I applaud Chipotle for realizing who their target audience is (families and college kids) and accommodating them accordingly. 

I posted the article because I frequent there and found it interesting, not because I wanted to argue gun laws and regulations for the next ten hours (I had momentary forgotten what Facebook was for apparently). I remember when Chicago passed the Concealed Carry law, my news feed blew up with gun enthusiasts and adversaries ripping each other apart…

”Guns kill people.”

“It’s my right cause ‘Merica.”

"Spoons make people fat."

All valid points guys.

Honestly, both sides of any debate will have reasonable arguments, but if the internet has taught me anything there are several infallible ways to get your point across and win every argument ever…

First, make sure you USE ALL CAPS. No one can actually hear you screaming so the only way to let them know you mean business is to turn all of your lower case letters into upper case ones.  Also, don’t forget to not use any less than 17 exclamation points because if you only add 16, people will think you aren’t serious about your cause. If you are looking for that certain je ne said quoi, don't forget to press a bunch of random buttons &^*!$%$^@* to let them know how passionate you actually are. 

It is also very important to use lots of profanity because no well thought out educated speech was ever given without numerous swear words.

“I have a mother fucking dream…” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Be sure to use the real taboo ones as well because no one is allowed to have a differing opinion without being a complete "cunt" or total "pussy".

If you really want to let people know how brilliant you actually are, start rattling off dozens of internet articles (written by someone you have never heard of on sites you didn’t know existed) which back your cause.

If you can’t find any, simply start a web page and write some yourself…just make sure you sign off as Dr. something or another so people know you're smart.

Also, you can't forget the importance of making sexist/racist/general assumptions about those who have opposing viewpoints. You won’t sound like you know what you are taking about until you judge other people you have never met.

I mean, you’re right.  People who make assumptions about strangers are always right. I am woman so I have no ground to stand on. Who let me use a computer? I earned my three college degrees in laundry, sandwich preparation, and baby making so I better stick to what I know.  Shoes!  Yay Shoes! I am so glad they didn’t ban shoes form Chipotle! AM I RIGHT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, I forgot one. !

Lastly, and this is the most important way to get your point across intelligently…you must, I repeat MUST, insult my physical appearance. No one will take your knowledge on a particular subject seriously if your rebuttal doesn't refer to your opponent as "fat" for "fugly".

More types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out.

Due to several requests for a part two, and since so many of my friends are borderline alcoholics, I decide to write another blog about the types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out.

There are just so many, how could I not?!

(You can read part one here.)

 So I present to you, even more types of drunks your girlfriends become on a night out…

The “Non-Smoker”

This friend will lecture you on the dangers of smoking on a daily basis.  She constantly complains about the smell that follows you everywhere, yet once she gets a little tipsy, she is not only smoking your entire pack, she is walking up and the down street trying to buy cigarettes off people for a dollar.  By the end of the night she will sound like Scarlett Johansson and will have put the entire series of “Mad Men” to shame.

 The Lover

Once she slams a few cocktails she will start telling you about how you mean the world to her. It’s all so sweet until she gives the very same speech to each of your other friends. She really loves them as well. And that guy.  Every guy actually. Oh, and this bar. And that chair. The floor too.

Don’t forget about her new BFF (aka the bathroom attendant) who will be coming to eat with you guys later.

 Miss 1985.

This friend eats organically and refuses to take things like Advil sober, but half way through the bottle she is asking the bar back where she can score some Coke. It takes you a minute to realize she isn’t referring to the soft drink and that you are in an after school special.

Sleeping Beauty.

Or more like Sleeping Drooly, AM I RIGHT?  I’m here all week.

She is face down in a plate of nachos because you let her finish an entire bottle of wine with dinner, which happened to be approximately 6 pieces of sushi.  You brought this upon yourself you know…next time take her for double bacon cheeseburgers, and you won’t have to carry her up the three flights of stairs to her apartment.

The Baby Giraffe

While she once strutted in her six-inch heels, she is now carrying them.  They have betrayed her, much like her legs, and the ground beneath her feet.  Watching Bambi attempt to walk is oh so adorable, until you spend the next 40 minutes looking for her tooth.

Crazy eyes

One eye is focused on you while the other is about to break free from her face.  She may be composed in every other way, but her eyes tell the real story, which in this case is about how she’s a long lost relative of Steve Buscemi.

Honest Abe

Now you know why her hair was so big. 

Once she has some truth juice, all of her (and everyone else’s) deep dark secrets start coming out. Sure it’s fun to know all the hot gossip, until she spills the beans about the drunken time you made out with your friend’s little brother, who may or may not have been in high school.  Thanks a heap Captain Cosmo.

Luckily, she’s only one shot of Jamo away from telling the story about when Becky shit her pants in Puerto Vallarta, and you’re in the clear.

The Over Confident Drunk

Once she reaches that magical level of intoxicated, she suddenly thinks she is a Jack of all trades. She can be found trying to seduce a guy across the bar by grinding on a chair or attempting to sing karaoke although her voice sounds like dying cats mating. No matter how horrifying, you must endure every second so you can film it for YouTube just in case she breaks all her pinky promises to take things to the grave.

Bad Girl’s Club

This impatient drunk couldn’t be bothered to actually wait for a bartender to bring her a drink so she decided to grab a bottle and self -serve.  As you are getting thrown out while simultaneously apologizing to the bouncer, she can be found shouting obscenities at a garbage can that looked at her the wrong way.

 The Flasher

Sober, she is a lady who always bends at the knees and crosses at the ankle. Yeah, well, that was four mojitos and three lemon drops ago. Now she can’t seem to keep her lady parts contained.  She is currently ass up in the booth trying to locate her phone she dropped under the table, and when she finally emerges she will have at least one nipple exposed. 

Put her coat on backwards and tie it like a straight jacket before guys start throwing dollars her way. Better yet, start collecting those dollars because someone has to buy that bathroom attendant pizza.