Ri-dic-pic-ulous

It was turning out to be a perfect day.

My morning meeting had been cancelled leaving my afternoon completely open to grab a bite with my mom, and there are few things in this world more glorious than a (screaming) child free brunch during the work week. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy chugging cocktails on Sunday Funday like I’m at a frat party, but sipping them without a standing audience giving me the stink eye is nothing short of magical.

My mom and I were chatting about which member of our family is more insane when my phone alerted me that I had a message.  I figured it might be work related so I reached down to check, hoping I wasn’t going to have to cut my meal short.  “Oh thank God,” I thought, “It’s just a message from (let’s go ahead and call him) John.”

As I went to click on the message to respond that I was at brunch (and would call him after), I noticed it wasn’t a text at all but rather a picture…an extremely close-up picture…of his erect penis.

I damn near spit my Bloody Mary directly into my mother’s face. Are you serious? It’s not even noon! Can’t a girl enjoy her plate of bacon without a side of sausage?

Now just to clarify, John and I were not romantically involved nor had we ever been romantically involved. I had never even been hammered and thought about touching his penis so what brought upon this unprovoked sext?

I needed answers so, of course, I showed the picture to any of my closest female friends willing to look and asked how, if at all, I should respond.  As it turns out, I was not the only one to have their eyes physically violated lately.  As a matter of fact, each of my friends had entire photo files which apparently received new entries often.

Sexting is not a new concept by any means. Most women could dig up an old sidekick with a couple of pixelated pictures of penises (say that five times fast), but they were most likely collected for collateral…more of a “If my boobs end up online, I’m passing out flyers of your limp dick, buddy” situation.  However, it seems if you are a single woman in 2015, you are probably receiving more pictures of wieners than Ulta coupons in the mail.

After a serious discussion about the origin of the dick picture and it’s current standing in modern day society, we came up with a few possible reasons as to what brought upon this sudden surge of confidence in men…

Perhaps there was an article in Maxim responsible for all these shots of balls before breakfast.  Something along the lines of, “Give her what she really wants this Valentine’s Day.” If women read Cosmo and are willing to try awful sex tip #72615, there is a possibility men are eager to follow the same shitty advice.  

Could it be sending pictures of your penis is the new way of saying, “Hey. I’ve been thinking about you,” but in a more graphic/less romantic way?  Maybe morning wood has replaced the good morning text, and us ladies didn’t get the memo.

Another possible reason may just be some sort of guy logic pertaining to the whole situation. “If I send her a picture of my dick, she will send me a picture of her boobs.” An eye for an eye or a nude for a nude if you will. Guys, if this is your go to strategy, google “supply and demand,” and be prepared to be disappointed.

I’m thinking maybe there was one girl who told the guy she was dating that sending a picture of your penis to a female is the highest form of flattery. “Don’t bother telling her how beautiful she is when you can show her via your raging boner.”

I’m willing to bet she is the same girl who started the “all girls love anal” rumor.  

Hey woman, shut up already.

Whatever the case may be, unless a female specifically asks you for one, you may want to hold off on sending her a picture of your genitals…especially if she has not met them in person. If you want everyone to become besties, the first encounter should not be at an awkward angle in your dirty bathroom either. That shit is just ri-dic-pic-ulous.

New Year, new you. At least for a full week.

It's a new year, and right about now we will all begin our resolutions. The gym will be packed for several weeks until they are broken, much like my hopes and dreams of being arm pit fat free…

Every year on January first so many of us vow to do or not do certain things anymore so I thought I would try to make our goals and aspirations a bit more realistic.  As my belated holiday gift to you, I present some New Year’s Resolutions you may actually be able to keep…

In 2015, vow to get it on a little more. Sex releases dopamine which is your body’s natural way of getting happy, and happy people aren’t assholes so bang your significant other, bang your neighbor, bang yourself! Just get busy, and stop being such a dick.

What is the number one resolution of all time? Lose weight/eat better.  Let’s be realistic here... I personally, have already polished off a cheesecake left over from my New Year’s Party.  If you are anything like me, you may want to start out small by consuming more fruits and veggies so why not drink a Bloody Mary? It’s full of tomatoes and celery. Wine = grapes. I also hear there is a potato in every beer. You’re welcome.

If you are anything like me, you’ll dream all day about getting home so you can sleep but instead stay up half the night falling down the YouTube rabbit hole. (I’ve seen some things, man. I’ve seen some things.) This year, vow to get more sleep and take more naps so people stop asking you if you are getting sick (which we all know is code for, "Which hole did you crawl out of this morning?") Good news though, passing out still counts as sleep, technically.

Ladies, this year let’s vow to shave our legs, even in the winter…or at least during the other 3 seasons…ok fine, throughout summer only. Just when we are going to be wearing shorts or a skirt. From the knee down. Fuck it. Wear more yoga pants. Ladies, this year let’s wear more yoga pants. 

Now is the perfect time to ditch everyone in your life that has become a pain in the ass. I don’t care if you are 20 years old. Don’t bother waiting until you are 30, and you feel like the emotional equivalent of a meth addict’s face. If they suck now, they will suck in ten years…unless they actually suck in which case, fellas, maybe you want to keep them around for that purpose.

Another popular resolution is “save more money.” How about we all agree to stop buying shit we don’t need with money we don’t have unless it’s something really special because you absolutely need a life size cut out of Daryl Dixon.  If anyone tells you otherwise, you get rid of that person because you don’t need that kind of negatively in your life, remember?

One thing a lot of us need to stop doing is leaving our credit cards at bars. I know what you are thinking…perhaps “drinking less” should be the resolution here, but don’t be ridiculous.  How else am I going to get my daily-recommended servings of fruit and vegetables?

All of the exes.

Taylor Swift recently released a new video called “Blank Space” in which she plays the crazy girlfriend/soon to be ex-girlfriend. If you are a (not so closet) Taylor fan like I am, you have probably watched the video a dozen times or sang along (terribly) in the shower.  Love her or hate her, either way the video is fantastic, and Miss Swift got me thinking about being an ex and what that entails.  Once a relationship ends, you can either be the bigger person and calmly move on or you could literally be the bigger person and let yourself go, and everything in between.

On that note, I thought it would be fun to explore the types of exes we all have, or have all been…

The ex who bangs all your friends.

While you two were together they couldn’t stand your friends, and you wanted nothing more than for everyone to get along. Well, be careful what you wish for because their genitals have now become besties, and you get to hear all about it from everyone else.

The ex who got super hot.

During the duration of your relationship you two collected enough pizza coupons to end world hunger so imagine your dismay when you broke up and discovered they had become even better looking than when you two first met.  Did she get new boobs?  Did he grow a beard? Yep, and they both got personal trainers who they are probably banging. Suddenly you can no longer see their flaws because you have become blinded by their hotness. Meanwhile, you are probably …

The ex who let themself go.

While your ex was hitting the gym, you were eating your feelings.  Although shacking up with Ben and Jerry was comforting, neither one will fill the void of a penis in your vagina. Get your ass to the gym, just make sure it’s not the same one your ex is frequenting or you will risk becoming…

The stalker ex.

Isn’t it weird how they keep “accidently” showing up everywhere you go? This ex  stalks your social media so hard, they end up back at their own profile. Stop checking into places and try to only post pictures where you look amazing and are surrounded by good looking people of the opposite sex. Really, really, ridiculously, good looking people.

The ex who has ruined a particular sexual act for you.

Ladies, did you see God when he went down on you? Guys, did she give you a blowjob so good you were wondering what the hell those things you had before were called? If your bedroom hosted the Olympics, they would win the bronze, silver, and gold. From here on out, it’s all a heaping pile of garbage, but if you play your cards right, maybe they will become…

The ideal ex.

Also known as the one you still get to bang but don’t have to deal with.  There is little to no conversation between you guys. In fact, the only thing you two exchange are orgasms. You don’t even have to pretend to like each other, which is just valuable wasted energy you could be using for sex.

The ex who marries the next person they date.

This ex was “never looking for anything serious,” but three months after your break up they are engaged. You’re just like “Good Luck Chuck” except you won’t get to bang anybody as good looking as Jessica Alba.

The ex who stays close with your family.

As if suffering through your second cousin’s baby shower wasn’t bad enough, now you get to spend it with your ex because that fucker befriended all of your relatives. If you are really lucky, you’ll get to hear all about their engagement after they have lunch with your mom (who let’s be honest, probably likes them better).

The ex on a bender.

This former homebody was actually in a relationship with Netflix while you two were supposed to be dating, but as soon as you broke up, they became the life of the party. Every. Single. Night. Funny, because you didn’t know they allowed sweat pants in the club.

The ex you’re still friends with.

Sometimes two people can be totally wrong for each other but come to the realization they still appreciate and love the other person as a human being so they remain friends.  How mature of you two huh? Keep in mind this ex can also be referred to as “the ex that will piss off every future significant other until the end of time.”

The crazy ex.

I know people hate the word “crazy,” but let’s face it, there is really only one word to describe the shit storm that ensues when you two finally call it quits. There are the hateful texts, even angrier voicemails, and the keeping hostage of your shit.  You probably never want to talk to this person again, but you really miss your favorite sweatshirt. Don’t make a rookie mistake, and get it back before you change your number.

The ex you hate with the fire of a thousand suns.

Everyone has that one ex you hope would get hit with a bus…you are driving. Maybe this person banged all your friends or perhaps they still have your dog…either way, you hope they come down with one of the random scary viruses all over the media. You aren’t picky, Ebola is fine. Bird flu will also suffice.

The one that got away.

Tear* Perhaps this was your first love. Maybe it was bad timing. For whatever reason, it never worked out according to plan, but you will always look back on them fondly and wonder what could have been…just as long as they didn’t let themselves go.