Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Oh, so this is what dying feels like.

Thanks for clearing that up.

So, as we all know I have had my fair share of hangovers, and cried wolf ("I'm dying!") a numerous amount of times. Well this time I don't even have the memories of last night to get me through my demise because I have bronchitis.

There is nothing fun about bronchitis...unless you caught it from kissing a sick Ryan Gosling, which sadly, is not the case for me. I will also accept Zac Efron as a close second carrier, but the buck stops there. Instead, I probably got it when some kid decided to lick the cart handle on one of many Target trips.  Damn you target.  First you take all my money, and now you give me cooties.  If you somehow knock me up next visit, we are sooooo over.

So far, I have coughed up at least one of my lungs, had a 102.4 fever for so long I've started to hallucinate, and I have sweated all over myself worse than a whore in church.

Being sick is not all bad though. (I have tried to compose a list of the advantages of being sick...basically, so I don't hang myself.)

When you are sick you get to...

  • miss work. Sure, you'll probably have to do extra work later to make up for it, but try not to think about that now...just sit back and let the Netflix marathons happen. Let all of them happen. 
  • take a million baths and don't have to wash your hair. Why bother washing/styling your hair when no one but your cat will see you...plus he digs dreadlocks.
  • drink so much cold medicine you kinda feel drunk and all warm and fuzzy inside. This is the only time two-three shots will knock you on your ass. (Malort excluded of course, but whoever takes more than one shot of Malort? One is all you need to realize you have made a terrible mistake...)
  • loose weight without even trying.  Why bother going to the gym when you can just contract some mildly horrific disease. Seriously, it took you 346892 minutes on the treadmill to lose the amount of weight I have lost so far from sitting on my ass. Jealous? Come over and I'll cough directly into your mouth. You thank me when you go down a dress size.
  • get taken care of by your parents, significant other, or roommates. You have become a completely useless human being, and others will pity you. Take full advantage before you have to start cooking your own meals and rubbing your own back.
  • sleep, siesta, nap, snooze, doze, slumber...it's all so amazing. This may be the only time you get the full recomended 8 hours of sleep on purpose.  Blacking out doesn't count...even if you drank so much you intended to.
  • say fuck make up. Fuck hair products. Fuck shaving. Fuck most personal hygiene routines. Fuck bras...and my personal favorite FUUUUUUUCK pants.  I'm sick and hot, and you can't make me wear pants! Not this time buddy. Let me die happy.

Because as we all know, this time, "I'm dying!"

No comments:

Post a Comment