Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Things I will never be good at.

I'll start with not ending sentences in prepositions...

Recently I was out for drinks with some friends, and we were talking about our various talents. It was a depressing realization that I am not particularly good at anything. I was not valedictorian of my class nor did I play any sports to receive some useless trophy my parents could covet for the rest of their lives. I didn't even own a "participant" ribbon. Womp womp.

Sure, I am a decent cook and occasionally I may amuse you people, but the list pretty much stops there. It seemed the more I tried to rack my brain for my special skills, the more things I discovered I am not good at doing (and possibly never will be).

I will never be good at...

pretending to care about the "cutest thing" your kid just did or the "funniest thing" he just said. Seriously, "pasghetti" is not a word. Your child has a speech impediment, and I am not amused.

all sports and forms of exercise including but not limited to jumping, running, not tripping on cracks in the sidewalk, stairs, and pretty much walking in general.

not getting food in my hair or finding it in my cleavage.

buying new clothes and wearing them instead of putting on holey jeans and a t shirt with questionable stains from the '90s.

turning down a free shot or freeing down a turned shot, depending on how drunk I am.

avoiding cake. I suck really bad at avoiding cake...or maybe it's just really good at finding me. Pie is currently stalking me, and I have a restraining order against chocolate as well.

buying bananas and actually eating them. Maybe I just enjoy watching them turn from green to yellow to brown because then it's like fall in my kitchen.

going to the bathroom in a timely manner. I prefer to wait until I am full of about eight drinks and two seconds away from peeing my pants before I start crying in the never ending restroom line.

not throwing out "that's what she said" at completely inappropriate places and times. "Yes, Grandma. It (your 90th birthday cake) is rather large. That is a very accurate observation."

not thinking every creak or random noise in my apartment is a psycho murderer coming to kill me in my sleep because only virgins survive that shit.

eating what I ordered and not stealing some most all of your food.

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