I am an asshole.

When you write a mostly sarcastic, occasionally humorous blog, you have to expect to offend some people from time to time. Everything is hilarious until it may or may not pertain to you. It's like laughing at a Mexican joke, a Jewish joke, an Asian Joke, but then getting upset when someone pokes fun at your heritage. If you are going to read my blog, you need be an equal opportunity offender.

While I don't tell racist jokes, I have no problem making fun of you for wearing yoga pants all day when it's apparent your idea of yoga is stretching after a nap. I will definitely tease you for making out with that girl who may or may not have had a penis, but I would never tell everyone about the time you got diarrhea at Barnes and Noble. I have morals, geez.

If you know me in real life, you know I am silly, sarcastic, and outspoken. Some people may think I say whatever comes to my mind but au contraire. There are so many things I would like to say to people, but I'd rather not get punched so I think them instead.  Lucky for me, my blogs are my thoughts on paper.

Here are just a few things of the things I wish I could say to people without getting murdered...

"Just because it comes in your size, does not mean you need to wear it."

"You're a lot more interesting when you're I'm drunk. Keep telling me about your sinus infection while I mainline this fireball whiskey."

"Yes, your child is adorable. He's eating cake. Adorable. Oh look, he is sleeping. Adorable. Aww he's breathing, adorable. Would you like to see 75 pictures of  my cat now?  No?"

"Of course I want to check out your band "Skinny Jeans, Tattoos, and Beanies." I bet you guys sound way different than everyone else."

"You went to the gym today?  You burned 750 calories?  What do you know, that is exactly the amount I ate via Cheetos on my couch."

"Oh you're engaged!? Tell me every single detail of this thing you speak of called a "wedding" since no one has ever had one of those before."

"Woo hoo another DJ event invite to some random bar I am surprised is still in business. I will certainly be RSVPing to get there at 8 pm to avoid the $5 cover."

"Your current wardrobe is completely ironic and hip and doesn't at all make you look like a escaped mental patient."

"No I don't know "who you are," but judging by the seriousness of your voice, you must be really important. Tell me again who you know and where you work."