Sunday, June 23, 2013

Things I am better at than you.

Last week I wrote a blog about all the things I will never be good at so this week I decided to build up my diminishing self esteem by listing all the things I am so amazing at doing, you couldn't keep up even if you wanted to. Go ahead and try, I dare you.

I am totally extraordinary at...

brushing my teeth and getting toothpaste everywhere. Sink? Check. Mirror? Of course. Floor, face, cleavage? You know it. The Ceiling?  What can I say, it's a gift.

eating until I am so full I want to die...then having dessert.

being able to tell the exact moment people go from buzzed to drunk. It's like I have a 6th sense that can detect the split second their eyes go from normal to crazy.

coming up with disgusting statues to post on your Facebook when you leave your phone unattended.

watching shows like "American Ninja Warrior," and saying, "I can totally do that," yet I have to do push ups girly style. I'm just kidding guys. I don't do push ups.

quoting movies that have received two or less stars.

eating 1,000 times my daily calcium allowance via VitaGummies.

not punching people in the face when they say the word, "amazeballs."

going into Target for toilet paper and buying the whole store. Yes, the entire store. No Target left for you.

cracking my iPhone screen. Oh you have broken your iPhone too? Unless you shattered your screen by drunkenly throwing it down the steps at a Cubs game or squashing it with your Kardashian ass, I win. I really am the best at this.

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