Tuesday, December 18, 2012

America. Fuck yeah.

There have been several discussions about guns filling up my Facebook news feed recently.  The obvious argument being whether or not they are our constitutional right as Americans...

I am not going to go all political on your asses about the topic...I mean seriously, after all this time I feel like if you'd expect that from me on this blog, well then you don't even know me at all...

Instead I am going to go ahead and talk about some of my other rights as an American which I like to pursue regularly.

I have the right to...

  • think Taylor Swift is a saint and not in fact a crazy bitch, and every guy she dates is an asshole who is entirely responsible for their breakup.  
  • have a crush on Russel Brand, without reason, even though I will probably catch an STD from merely typing his name.
  • never actually see a doctor but rather visit WebMD and self-diagnosis myself with cancer every time I have a sore throat.
  • click on a YouTube link and spend the next four hours watching videos of puppies and kittens.
  • refer to any woman thinner/prettier/better dressed than me as "that bitch."
  • assume I am fabulous day in and day out, and anyone who tells me I look tired is just jealous...including the mirror.
  • play any song I want on repeat for 6 hours, even if I never learn the words or never finish the song entirely.  I also have the right to sing along to the only 3 lines I do know and the right to be tone-deaf.
  • eat cake for breakfast.  YES I DO ROY!  Stop judging me!
  • be 31, have several jobs but no career, not married, and childless.  I can drink all the vodka I please, on the beaches I want, on all the vacations I take while you are discovering the spit up stain on your jacket while stuck in traffic on the way to your office job.  
  • shake what my momma gave me, without apologies for all the jiggle.
  • stay up until ungodly hours to watch movies on TV which I already own, which I have already seen roughly a thousand times, none of which have received more than two stars.
  • buy an item of clothing, wear it 473974 times in a row, and decide I hate it the very next day.  I also have the right to decide it is the greatest thing in the history of the world a few months later. 
  • lather, rinse, and repeat.  All.fucking.day.long.  I don't have kids so I have all the time in the world.
  • be on a first name basis with everyone at Taco Burrito House...and know their wives. And kids.  How is little Alejandro's orange belt coming along?
  • hate red wine. White wine. Most wine. And prefer the taste of something that has more sugar than a cupcake, preferably served in a pineapple, with a little umbrella.  Throw in a twisty straw, and my life is complete.
  • still have a crush on Shawn Hunter and fan girl out when I hear they are making a Boy Meets World spin off.
  • buy another scarf.  Yes, ANOTHER scarf, without having a cold neck. 
  • have a love/hate relationship with my ass...You're awful, I love you.
  • assume that when I throw a shoe at a spider on my bedroom wall and miss, he is going to round up a group of his buddies and kill me in my sleep.  I also have the right to sleep (or lose sleep) on the couch for as long as I see fit.
  • steal my friends' phones and leave statuses about explosive diarrhea or liking it in the butt.
  • be a grown up and still find this funny.

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