Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Influenza: a step by step guide.

Well folks, it finally got me.  I have been avoiding it for years, somehow managing to dodge it winter after winter.  I knew sooner or later it would catch up with me, but I always figured it would be once I shit out a couple of germ magnets who brought the virus home from The Cootie Kingdom (aka school).

I was out Saturday night with some friends, and what I thought would be my biggest concern Sunday morning would be nursing my hangover. Little did I know what was in store for me. The MOTHER FUCKING Flu.  I never thought I would be wishing for the latter...

I am currently on day 4, and I have become a completely useless human being.  I am unable to feed myself, and my personal hygiene has become questionable.  I did manage to shower a couple of times in hopes of washing away the virus, however, I have not seen a hairbrush since Sunday so I am hoping dreadlocks are the new black.

When you have the flu, there are only a few things you can really do.  So far I have created a pretty solid list of ways to pass the time/virus.

Step 1: Try to prevent the obvious by drinking tons of orange juice and inhaling copious amounts of Emergen-Cs. Consider shooting it directly into your veins, but remember extreme fear of needles.  

Step 2: Sleep.  Wake up still feeling sick.  Not enough sleep.  Sleep more.  More.  Comatose.  Am I dead? Nope.  Still sick.

Step 3: Chicken Noodle Soup. Better than Penicillin? Lies.  All lies.

Step 4: More orange juice.  Can you OD on OJ?  Let's find out.

Step 5: Cry.  Release that demon virus through your tears.

Step 6:  Shower.  You probably smell... and by probably, I mean definitely.

Step 7: Make that a bath.  Too weak to stand.  Don't get out until you look like a senior citizen.

Step 8: Crawl back into bed.  Shake. Freeze. Cry. 

Step 9: Sweat. Strip naked. Freeze. 20 blankets. No blankets.  This sure is fun.

Step 10:  Sleep for 100 years.

Step 11: Eventually (to be determined) wake up feeling better and carefully rejoin society. Slowly. A lot has probably changed since you went on hiatus.  You may have missed another Kardashian wedding or starlet meltdown.  Try to act normal.

Step 12: Realize you have lost 5 pounds with out even trying, and pray for at least 2 more flus this winter.

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