I was out Saturday night with some friends, and what I thought would be my biggest concern Sunday morning would be nursing my hangover. Little did I know what was in store for me. The MOTHER FUCKING Flu. I never thought I would be wishing for the latter...
I am currently on day 4, and I have become a completely useless human being. I am unable to feed myself, and my personal hygiene has become questionable. I did manage to shower a couple of times in hopes of washing away the virus, however, I have not seen a hairbrush since Sunday so I am hoping dreadlocks are the new black.
When you have the flu, there are only a few things you can really do. So far I have created a pretty solid list of ways to pass the time/virus.
Step 1: Try to prevent the obvious by drinking tons of orange juice and inhaling copious amounts of Emergen-Cs. Consider shooting it directly into your veins, but remember extreme fear of needles.
Step 2: Sleep. Wake up still feeling sick. Not enough sleep. Sleep more. More. Comatose. Am I dead? Nope. Still sick.
Step 3: Chicken Noodle Soup. Better than Penicillin? Lies. All lies.
Step 4: More orange juice. Can you OD on OJ? Let's find out.
Step 5: Cry. Release that demon virus through your tears.
Step 6: Shower. You probably smell... and by probably, I mean definitely.
Step 7: Make that a bath. Too weak to stand. Don't get out until you look like a senior citizen.
Step 8: Crawl back into bed. Shake. Freeze. Cry.
Step 9: Sweat. Strip naked. Freeze. 20 blankets. No blankets. This sure is fun.
Step 10: Sleep for 100 years.
Step 11: Eventually (to be determined) wake up feeling better and carefully rejoin society. Slowly. A lot has probably changed since you went on hiatus. You may have missed another Kardashian wedding or starlet meltdown. Try to act normal.
Step 12: Realize you have lost 5 pounds with out even trying, and pray for at least 2 more flus this winter.