Sunday, December 23, 2012

I never got the memo.

As I have mentioned in the past, I mostly hang out with guys and only have a handful of female friends.  I have just always gotten along better with boys because my sick sense of humor tends to offend most women.  I also really like video games and fart jokes.  I am basically a dude with boobs.  A 12 year old dude with an amazing rack.

Seriously though, being a girl is a lot of work. It's exhausting really.  We are held to very high standards and expected to follow a lot of rules.  I just can't keep them all straight.  Here are some aspects of being a girl I will never fully understand...

Wearing my hair in more than one way...down.

Not ordering a double cheeseburger with a side of cheese fried dipped in ranch dressing on the first date.  Boys see this and think I have a tapeworm.  There is a real possibility I may die alone...and hungry.

How to wear tights with out putting a hole in them, usually half way through putting them on.

The smokey eye, cat eye, or really how to use eye shadow in general.  I always end up looking like the morning after.

The color pink...especially women who wear it head to toe. Are you a two month old baby trying to confirm your gender?  Do you think you are Elle Woods from Legally Blonde?  Maybe you are convinced you are a pretty, pretty, princess?  Not so much.  What you are, however,  is a walking penis repellent.

How to stop trying to out drink my 6+ feet tall male friends.  It's never going to happen no matter how hard I try...well, except maybe one.  You know who you are, cough*Roy*cough.  Lightweight.

Lipstick.  It makes me look like I have bad collagen injections. It feels weird, tastes gross, and ends up on everything.  I don't get it. I would like to know the fascination with foundation (aka slimy fake skin in a jar) is as well. Will some girl explain these to me?!

Spanx.  They do not make you look thinner. They only push your fat up higher and make it uncomfortable to sit. eat. drink. move. breathe.  I mean really, nothing screams sexy like a granny panty/girdle.

When to wear white.  If you aren't supposed to wear it after Labor Day then why do they make white coats?  Also, how do you wear it and manage to stay clean?  Do you just not eat, drink, or sit with it on? I can't commit to any of those for more than 5 minutes.

Posing awkwardly in pictures...hand on the hip, head tilted to a 45 degree angle, THAT FUCKING DUCK FACE.  It's a picture.  Look at the camera and smile. You throwing up the rock sign does not make you look like a bad ass, and the peace sign does not make you look like the Dali Lama either.

And the most befuddling...

how to paint my nails without painting my cuticles. fingers. hands. arms. hair? fuck.

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