Thursday, October 18, 2012

A third degree burn, a bloody elbow, and one expensive ass cab ride.

Someone in boxed me and asked me to tell an embarrassing story about myself.  We are all friends here right so I figured why not?  My misfortune can at least be your amusement…   
I don’t generally get drunk and embarrass myself, but we all have a moment or two in our past to look back on and laugh, then cry, then laugh again.  Here is mine…
Back in 2005, I was in college, and right around mid terms I started to lose my mind.  I decided to take a break from studying and go to a show at the House of Blues with a few friends.  At the beginning of the night I specifically told them to not let me drink since I had a test at 8 am.  I gave them one task, and they failed miserably. 
Don’t as me why because I have no answers for half of what I did back then, but at this point in my life, I didn’t want to consume actual mixed drinks but instead preferred to take shots of SOCO lime every so often to catch a buzz.  A friend of mine was bar tending, and it was a busy show so he made me a shaker of my whiskey concoction and told me to pour myself shots throughout the night.  One of my guy friends had the brilliant idea to bet me $20 I wouldn’t chug the whole shaker and me never being one to turn down a challenge, I did. My other friend then bet me I wouldn’t do it again…I think he even triple dog dared me (and we all know you can’t turn that shit down), so I downed another one.  A good female friend of mine suggested I slow down, and what did I tell her? To go fuck herself.  I also told her in the nicest possible way too.  I sure am swell.
Half way through the show I was drunk and wandering therefore losing everyone.  I then had the genius idea not to try and find them but to go back to the car and just take a nap until the show was over.  However, I did not have the keys, nor did I know where valet had parked the car, or even my name for that matter, but I decided to just start walking…eventually I would find the car because Chicago isn’t that big.  Riiiiiiigggggght.
Once I realized I was crossing the river with one shoe I said, “Fuck it,” and hopped in a cab.  I handed the cab driver my ID, said, “Take me there,” and decided to lay down in the back seat to relax a little on my way home…being that drunk really takes it out of you. I guess at this point what seemed like a better idea was to throw up all over myself on the entire ride home.  The entire ride. 
If you know me, you know I never EVER puke when I am drunk, and I can safely say this is the only time this has ever happened.  Regardless of this fact, the cabbie was less than pleased.  I called my roommate to calm him down since at the time I had no idea why he was yelling at me.  My roommate asked me why I was wet, and I put two and two together.  I was a drunk Sherlock Holmes.
On a side note, in case you were wondering how much it costs if you puke in a cab, it’s $100.
Oh it gets better.  After realizing I had puke in my hair (hot I know), I decided to take a shower.  About half way through I turned the water to what I thought was cold, but it was actually hot…hot like I didn’t even know water could reach that temperature without putting fire directly under it.  I tried to jump out as quickly as possible, but instead I fell, completely naked, taking the entire shower bar and curtain down with me.  I hit the sink on the way successfully slicing my elbow open.  I was now not only covered in puke but blood as well…lucky me.
I woke up to take my test wishing I was dead.  Needless to say, it did not go well.  It was the only “D” I ever received, and to this day, I still can’t bring myself to tell my parents why their honor roll student blew that midterm in Chemistry. 
So there you have it…probably the most embarrassing story anyone has ever told willingly.  If you don’t know me, I hope you at least got a laugh out of my traumatic experience.  If you do know me, maybe this will better explain why I refuse to drink whiskey.

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