I do what I want.

Those of you who know me, know I love to eat.

And drink. 

And eat some more. 

Even if you don't know me (but you read my blog), you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know how much I love food.  I would marry a Kuma burger if I could, however, we wouldn't make it to our honeymoon.

If you are anything like me, you are too busy doing the happy dance while you are eating to pay attention to portion sizes. Then, one fateful day while you were enjoying your bowl of Cap'n Crunch (finding your way through the maze on the back) you accidentally stumbled onto the nutrition facts.  You knew you had made a terribly wrong turn when you discovered your giant of bowl of cereal was in fact 3, ok ok, 4 portions.  Who, TELL ME WHO, eats 3/4 of a cup of cereal?  Surely it's not the Captain since he is not the poster boy for nutritional health...

It goes far beyond breakfast too.  I'm willing to bet most of you have finished a pack of Ramen and thought, "I could sure go for another one of the those." That would leave you consuming 4 portions of mediocre noodle product. I'm starting to think this has something to do with the "Freshman 15"...

I was curious as to how many peoples' meals I was actually consuming on any given day so I looked up some standard food portions...

Here are a few of my favorite...

Please.  If that's a portion, I am going to consume a whole casino's worth of cheese as well as three to four packs of playing crackers.

Oh, you're not showing me that the plate on the right is mine, while the left shows the rejects that get fed to the dog?  Fuck you.

Thanksgiving portions...

For a 2 year old?  How dare you even suggest I consume anything less than twelve times this on any given Turkey Day.

Sooooo this last one may or may not be accurate, but after finding out a muffin is three servings, I'm not sure what to believe anymore...

Questions?

If you guys ever want to ask me something, or have a topic you would like me to rant about, feel free to submit it to my tumblr ask box.

http://www.oohstephanie.tumblr.com/

Thanks!

First World Problems.

Hello all!  I just got back from my favorite place on Earth, San Diego.  My brain is a little fried from a 5 day drinking bender so today's entry is going to be short and light.

While on vacation, my friends and I kept joking about the ridiculous things we complain about that shouldn't even be issues to begin with, aka "First World Problems."  Turns out, we are all a bunch of spoiled brats who complain about things like being too full after an abundance of delicious food.

Here are a few of my favorites from the trip...You know you have said, or at least thought one of the following, you selfish bastard...

"I have a closet full of clothes, but nothing to wear,"

"There is nothing to watch on any of my 900 TV channels."

"I left my iPhone on the couch when I went to poop and was bored the entire time."

"I'm so hungover from drinking that entire bottle of champagne."

"3G is so slow compared to Wifi. It's taking forever for my Instagram photo to load."

"I took a nap, overslept, and now I am even more tired."

"My expensive, new, shoes really hurt my feet."

"One of my delicious nachos just stabbed the roof of my mouth."

Bonus "problems"

 And my personal favorite...

We really are a bunch of assholes.

See you next Tuesday.

I'm off to California for vacation so I may or may not write...you never know if the mood will strike drunkenly at 2 am.  If not, you'll hear from me when I get back.  Try not to miss me too much.

Photoshop's a hell of a drug...

"The problem with quotes from the internet is it is hard to verify their authenticity"  -- Abraham Lincoln


Those of you who saw nothing wrong with the above quote need to go play in traffic.  In fact, if you believe everything you read on the internet, you need head to six corners and set up a picnic.

A lot of things circulate online (Facebook especially) that are complete and utter bullshit.  I see friends sharing all kinds of crap on a daily basis, but I just laugh and keep scrolling.  Most recently, a man who claimed to have won the last Powerball jackpot was supposedly giving away one million dollars to a random person who shared his picture. 

First off, the numbers on the ticket were not printed in numeral order, which they always are.   Second, if you just won half a billion dollars, would you be on your Facebook asking people to share your picture and checking it every five minutes?  I know I would quietly delete my Facebook altogether to keep that friend I had one class with Freshman year of college from hitting me up for money with some sob story about his one-eyed cat needing surgery.  Everyone I have ever known would be trying to get a piece of my million dollar pie, so I would move to a private island with all my closet friends so everyone else would leave us the hell alone...

Think back to KONY 2012. From the get-go something didn't seem right about that guy, and I thought he was full of shit.  When I suggested Jason Russell, (the guy who made the video) seemed like an ass face, several people called me insensitive...

Soooooo...how's your little, red, string bracelet saving the world now? In case you were wondering, I believe it went toward Jason's bail when he was caught running through the streets of San Diego naked.

Next time you see something on the internet, don't jump the gun and assume it's automatically accurate.  After all...

I rest my case.

This is why I drink.

Alarm clocks.  

Alarm clocks are the Devil Bobby.  Have you ever thought about this concept...I mean REALLY thought about it?  It is a device to jolt you awake from a sound sleep...it is solely designed to scare (the shit out of) you awake. What a horrible way to wake up.  Since I didn't die of a heart attack this morning, I'm going to celebrate with a mimosa.

Weight loss commercials...  

Especially those where I look like the"before" picture.  Thanks for reminding me you lost 70 pounds while I am eating cake for dinner.  Now seems like the perfect time to pair my meal with a nice Riesling...

Meeting people for the first time/running into someone you haven't seen in awhile...  

Do you wave hello?  Handshake?  Hug?  What if they extend their hand while I am in mid wave? What if I am reaching out, but they aren't paying attention, and I'm left hanging? What if they move in for a hug while I am reaching for a handshake?  It's all so awkward.  Let's all get drunk and make it simple with high fives.

Santa can suck it!

So I know I am late to the party, but I just discovered Ebay.  It's not that I didn't know it existed (I wasn't living under a rock), I had just never gone to the site and bid on anything.  By the way, currently my definition of "anything," means everything.

No one previously told me Ebay is a magical internet land where you can find exactly what you are looking for and a whole heap of crap you aren't but now can't imagine your life without.

My path to bidding utopia began on accident.  I was getting an early start on my X-mas shopping and using Google to locate an item.  That crafty, little search engine knew exactly what it was doing when it suggested I visit Ebay to find it.  Just like millions before me, I walked right into its trap.

It's been three days, countless hours of lost sleep, and over a dozen dents to my credit card later, but I can't stop.  My purchases keep on getting more and more ridiculous, and by ridiculous, I mean awesome.  I can't post all of the things I purchased because they are gifts for friends who frequently read my blog, however I can post a few of the gifts for the ones who don't get online much.  Although now that I think about it, they probably don't deserve anything for not supporting their friend...

I can't explain the inside joke amazingness that goes along with each of these items, but you can still appreciate their face value...

The lucky recipient of this tender, little guy also gets a box full of Baby Ruth's.  Those of you who don't know me are kind of wishing you did right about now huh?

I will be able to sleep easy knowing this will be plastered all over my male friend's bedroom wall.  

How cute is this little pint sized rapper?  They had a Biggie too, but you know, west coast all day baby.

Um, what time is it? It's half past Hall...maybe a quarter to Oats?  It's amazing, that's what it is.

Did you just read that in your best Arnold voice?  If not, well now you have.  I bet you didn't know he made Christmas T-shirts.  Sing it...The more you knooooooooooooow!

The cat, the crown, the neon colors...I can't, I just can't... not buy this!  I have a friend who is going to hate me once she stops laughing and realizes I am going to make her actually wear this... 

On that note, if you need me from now on, I will be in front of my computer until my eyes bleed.