Still awesome.

I wrote a part two of "Things I will never be good at" so I figured I would do the same for "Things I am awesome at" to keep my ego balanced. What can I say, what I lack in some ways, I make up for in others. Try not to be jealous of all my special skills.

I am also awesome at..

coming up with amazing band names like "Surprise Vaginas."

walking in really high heels even when I am drunk (and constantly trip over my bare feet sober).

telling myself my diet starts tomorrow...every day.

losing my phone when it is on silent.

deciding I need to do laundry or clean my apartment at 3 am when I previously had the whole day off but chose to spend it alternating between eating, napping, and watching old One Tree Hill re-runs on Soap Net (don't judge me).

attracting the creepiest guy in the bar and having him offer to buy me a roofie colada.

pulling a Houdini out of the bar leaving my friends to wonder if I have been sold into sex slavery or if I am sleeping in my hall way.

going grocery shopping and eating every thing I bought in one day, leaving me to eat condiments for at least a week until I go back.

finding stationary objects perfect for photo ops. Why yes I do need to climb onto that giant polar bear and take a picture. I realize it is 12 feet tall.  Your point is?

remembering to take my birth control.  Ok fine, I will not take all the credit for this one. Your screaming child was a helpful reminder.

And here's some bonus awesome...Enjoy!

More things I will never be good at...

I suck at lots of things...basic things most average adults have mastered already. For example, I can't even swim. I mean, I can not drown which should count for something, but as far as turning your head and moving your arms in a circular motion, yeah, not so much. At this point in my life, I learned it's just better to accept that some things you will just never get the hang of no matter how hard you try. On that note, here are some more things I will never be good at...

(If you want to feel even better about yourself, you can also read part one here.)

remembering to close the window before walking around my room pants less and confusing/scarring the neighborhood children for life. (If you are from Africa why are you white...and if you are white, why is your butt so big?)

not quoting Mean Girls every day.

waiting five minutes for the oven to preheat so I can cook food properly and not end up eating a hot mess of pizza rolls from the microwave.

wearing shoes that won't eventually betray me.

taking little dogs seriously. You live in a purse and my cat could kick your ass.

going to Wrigley Field and actually paying attention to the game and not just just to my Mai Tais and hot dog.

not using the expression "shut your whore mouth" or "eat a bag of dicks" at least once a day. I'm still trying to figure out where one can acquire a bag of dicks to eat...

ordering anything less than ten items from Taco Bell, while pretending I am ordering for my imaginary family.
                 

"I will have two Dorito tacos, a 7 layer burrito, a cheesey gordita crunch, a beef chalupa, cheesey fiesta potatoes, a mexican pizza, a baja blast freeze, and a crunch wrap supreme."

                                                    

 "Does that complete your order?"

                                

 "Oh, and I better add some beef nachos for my husband and cinnamon twists because my son loves them."

Sunday Funday

While I do enjoy an occasional Sunday Funday Cubs game or drinking with friends, my Sundays are usually reserved for so much more.  I thought I would let you all in on the true meaning of what a Sunday is supposed to be...lazy and magical.

9 am: Wake up and realize what time it is, and go back to sleep because why the fuck are you up at 9 am on a Sunday?

Noon: Wake up again only because you have to pee. Do so, remove pants, and return to bed.

12:30 pm: Check all forms of social media and delete every un-flattering photo you thought looked , "OMG so cute!" last night. Thanks a heap, vodka.

1 pm: Time for breakfast: String cheese, 47 Teddy Grahams, a piece of beef jerky, and a handful of blue cheese olives.

1:10 pm: Turn on the TV and watch re-runs of Boy Meets World or Saved by the Bell and wonder why they just don't make quality children's shows like they used to.

1:30 pm: Spend the next two hours googling all your favorite former child stars to see where they are now (Shawn Hunter is still a babe, while Judy Winslow is turning tricks on film).

3:30 pm: Too much activity. Take a three to four hour nap.

7:00 pm: Dinner time. Spend at least a hour on Grub Hub. Can't decide what to order. Settle on Ramen since it takes 3 minutes, and you are about ready to eat your cat.

8:00 pm: Time to watch vampire porn aka "True Blood."

9:00 pm: Think about taking a shower, but decide it is too much effort. No one is around to smell you anyway.

9:05 pm: Decide to start watching a new TV series on Netflix.

2:00 am: One more episode...

3:40 am: Get into bed and cry yourself to sleep since you have to be at work in a few hours.

Another successful Sunday.

The "Selfie." A step by step guide.

Due to my fondness of dick and fart jokes, I am friends with mostly guys. I follow numerous amounts of them on Instagram so when I am bored and looking through the "pictures my friends liked" page, I see lots of photos of women.

I would have to estimate about 95% of these photos are "selfies," meaning they are pictures of women, taken by said women. This is mostly a female based phenomenon because men are not as self involved as we are. Although, I am willing to bet if Donald Trump had an Instagram, it would be filled with pictures of his bad toupee and money...

The concept of the selfie is ridiculous really..."Hey look at this picture of me and 'like it' to let me know I am aesthetically pleasing to your eyes." Even though it is silly, even modest little ole me is guilty of such vanity.  I mean, if I wake up and don't feel like I look like I am in my third trimester, my hair has decided to take a break from being an asshole for one day, and I actually spent the time to put on make up (and not just my usual make up routine, aka sunglasses) it is my civic duty to share it with the world.  Only if the stars align and all three of these occur, will you see a selfie out of me.

Some girls just can't seem to get enough of themselves and post selfies constantly...you know who you are. We all know what you look like so you can stop now. Seriously, we get it.

However, there are some of you have never taken a selfie, so that's where I come in.  It's a right of passage so I am here to help you achieve the perfect picture to make people think, "Hey wait, she doesn't look like that in person!"

I am about to teach you the power of the selfie, just don't abuse it or it will lose its magic...

Step one: Find the Perfect lighting.

Something that says, "No, I'm not radioactive, I just naturally glow in the moonlight." Another safe bet would be to go outside and let the sun reflect directly off your face...it's nature's Photoshop! (Don't worry about looking tan, we can fix that later.)

Step two: Achieve the perfect angle.

Everyone has their "good side," but what you need to do is move the camera around to endless positions until you look at least ten pounds thinner.  If you are already thin, find the angle that makes your boobs look bigger.  If you are thin and already have big boobs, you either bought them or I hate you.  Either way, your lips can never be big enough so purse those suckers out.  Don't worry, no one will notice you didn't have those puppies yesterday.

Step three: Do not smile.

If you want people to think you are sexy, you can't show your teeth. I was under the impression that "The sexiest thing a woman can wear is her smile," but millions of girl's selfie photos have taught me otherwise. Don't even smile with your eyes.  It's best to try to look dead inside.

Step four: Don't even look at the camera.

You want people to think you are not only sultry, but intelligent as well. Nothing says, "I am deep," like gazing off in the distance.  You'll have them wondering, "Is she thinking about world peace? How to cure cancer?  All of the above!?" Beauty and Brains? Well that almost never happens"...until you!

Step five: Be artistic.

You are hot (maybe), smart (kinda), so now you need to seem creative and whimsical.  Try flipping the picture because no one will think you are a free thinking, creative, spirit, unless you turn your picture side ways or upside down. Everyone knows you can't look sophisticated right side up.

Step six: Filter that bad boy.

Give yourself a tan, remove those bags from under your eyes, hell you can even cover up bad skin with the right filter.  Why just stop there?  Double filter that baby. Triple filter it! You'll have people wondering if they have glaucoma or if you are Mila Kunis in no time!

Step seven. Caption it.

My little selfie wonders, you've come so far so don't fuck it all up now.  You need the perfect caption.  You want people to think you not only gorgeous, smart, and artsy but modest as well.  Let them know how much you "hate this picture of yourself" or "how little make up you have on."  I mean, I know personally my lips are naturally red and my eye lashes elongate and curl themselves while I sleep...don't everyone's?

*Bonus Step*  If you spent hours achieving the the perfect selfie yesterday but actually look good on your own today, there is still hope. Grab some inanimate object and post a picture of yourself holding it.  No one will notice your back to back selfies or suspect you're coincided if you pose with a paper coffee cup, and caption it, "MMMM Starbucks!"

Things I am better at than you.

Last week I wrote a blog about all the things I will never be good at so this week I decided to build up my diminishing self esteem by listing all the things I am so amazing at doing, you couldn't keep up even if you wanted to. Go ahead and try, I dare you.

I am totally extraordinary at...

brushing my teeth and getting toothpaste everywhere. Sink? Check. Mirror? Of course. Floor, face, cleavage? You know it. The Ceiling?  What can I say, it's a gift.

eating until I am so full I want to die...then having dessert.

being able to tell the exact moment people go from buzzed to drunk. It's like I have a 6th sense that can detect the split second their eyes go from normal to crazy.

coming up with disgusting statues to post on your Facebook when you leave your phone unattended.

watching shows like "American Ninja Warrior," and saying, "I can totally do that," yet I have to do push ups girly style. I'm just kidding guys. I don't do push ups.

quoting movies that have received two or less stars.

eating 1,000 times my daily calcium allowance via VitaGummies.

not punching people in the face when they say the word, "amazeballs."

going into Target for toilet paper and buying the whole store. Yes, the entire store. No Target left for you.

cracking my iPhone screen. Oh you have broken your iPhone too? Unless you shattered your screen by drunkenly throwing it down the steps at a Cubs game or squashing it with your Kardashian ass, I win. I really am the best at this.

This is why I drink.

Weather forecasts.

"It is going to be the worst storm of the century" (one rain drop).  "It is going to be a beautiful summer day" (50 degrees and pouring in June). Can we all just agree that unless it's California and the forecast calls for sun, no one can really predict the weather? Well except maybe for Karen...

Owning a car in the city of Chicago.

I am lucky enough to live in an area with ample street parking, however parking anywhere fucking else makes me want to pound vodka shots until everyone is pretty.  Even if you are lucky enough to find an open spot, you still have to read about 643879 signs to make sure you won't be out $250 while wandering a rat infested vacant lot at 2 AM to get your car back.  You should also reserve a portion of your paycheck for all the side mirrors you will have to replace, another chunk for street cleaning or snow plowing tickets, and the rest towards ever rising gas prices.  At this point, I guess it's good you own a car since you will need to live it shortly.

Sad songs.

Like really sad songs that are sooooo good you can't stop listening to them, even though they make you want to kill yourself a little bit. Thank you iPhone for starting my day with "Tiny vessels" by Death Cab for Cutie, and following it up with, Bon Iver's "Skinny love." Maybe next you can play "City and Colour's "The way it used to be" so I can slit my wrists as I cry into my Cap'n Crunch.

Thank God for Bloody Marys and Mimosas.

Things I will never be good at.

I'll start with not ending sentences in prepositions...

Recently I was out for drinks with some friends, and we were talking about our various talents. It was a depressing realization that I am not particularly good at anything. I was not valedictorian of my class nor did I play any sports to receive some useless trophy my parents could covet for the rest of their lives. I didn't even own a "participant" ribbon. Womp womp.

Sure, I am a decent cook and occasionally I may amuse you people, but the list pretty much stops there. It seemed the more I tried to rack my brain for my special skills, the more things I discovered I am not good at doing (and possibly never will be).

I will never be good at...

pretending to care about the "cutest thing" your kid just did or the "funniest thing" he just said. Seriously, "pasghetti" is not a word. Your child has a speech impediment, and I am not amused.

all sports and forms of exercise including but not limited to jumping, running, not tripping on cracks in the sidewalk, stairs, and pretty much walking in general.

not getting food in my hair or finding it in my cleavage.

buying new clothes and wearing them instead of putting on holey jeans and a t shirt with questionable stains from the '90s.

turning down a free shot or freeing down a turned shot, depending on how drunk I am.

avoiding cake. I suck really bad at avoiding cake...or maybe it's just really good at finding me. Pie is currently stalking me, and I have a restraining order against chocolate as well.

buying bananas and actually eating them. Maybe I just enjoy watching them turn from green to yellow to brown because then it's like fall in my kitchen.

going to the bathroom in a timely manner. I prefer to wait until I am full of about eight drinks and two seconds away from peeing my pants before I start crying in the never ending restroom line.

not throwing out "that's what she said" at completely inappropriate places and times. "Yes, Grandma. It (your 90th birthday cake) is rather large. That is a very accurate observation."

not thinking every creak or random noise in my apartment is a psycho murderer coming to kill me in my sleep because only virgins survive that shit.

eating what I ordered and not stealing some most all of your food.