This is why I drink.

HGTV.  I get it. My apartment will never be as nice as some of the garages you show on your network. I am not looking for a summer home in Hawaii between $600,00-800,000 either.  I can not build, sand, paint, or refurnish anything yet I continue to watch you from my Craigslist couch in my Ikea filled living room.  Thanks for making me feel inadequate as always. Maybe after "House Hunter's International" I'll watch a gourmet cooking show on the Food Network while I heat up my Hot Pocket.

Moving.  Why do I have so much shit? Where did it come from? I don't remember buying this. Or twelve of them. I'm not even sure what this is, but I need it. That too. And that. Fuck it, throw everything out. Wait, but not that. Or that. Did we pack the vodka yet?


Children's birthday parties. I don't have kids, so what makes you think I will be awake and/or not hungover on a Sunday afternoon?  If by chance I am mobile during daylight hours on the weekend, it is usually for a Bloody Mary brunch, not to watch a room full of toddlers pick their noses and drool on everything. The only reason I was even willing to deal with a dozen two year olds (on my day off) in the first place was for the cake you are letting your child devour like an animal.  Thanks again.