Thursday, January 31, 2013

Things I will never understand.

I like to consider myself an intelligent person. I graduated from a good college with several degrees in various subjects.  I try to stay up to speed on current events.  I often find myself completely hypnotized by The Discovery or History Chanel daily.  Despite, all my attempts to be a well rounded, educated member of society, there are just some things that go way over my head.

Now I know some of the following have perfectly logical explanations (i.e. how a cell phone works), but regardless if you explain it to me a thousand times I will never understand the following...

Why aren't Unicorns real?  There are horses. There are Rhinos. What more do you need? Perhaps the only thing missing from this equation is some Barry White or Marvin Gaye...

The P in front of the word Pneumonia. Did we put it there to mess with all the English as a second language people?

Why do you need to fill out damn near a hundred forms to adopt a puppy, but anyone can reproduce.  Shouldn't we have some sort of screening process for potential parents?  I know at least a dozen people with children who couldn't keep a goldfish alive...

Uggs.  A. They are hideous. B. They are made to keep your feet super warm, but they are not water resistant. What is the point of boots that you can't wear in the snow, and why do you ladies keep buying these useless eye sores?

Why are tomatoes considered a fruit because they have seeds, but cucumbers are not? Bananas have no seeds at all, but they get to be a fruit. Who decides who gets to be delicious and who gets to be every child's arch-nemesis?  I want that job. "You sir get dipped in chocolate. You there, you get fed to the dog."

Why does Walt Disney hate parents? He's always killing one (if not both) off. I bet his mom made him eat his vegetables every night so he said, "I'll show you lady."

Math, technology, anything science related, and jello.  All befuddling.

People who talk about how awesome a Zombie Apocalypse would be. First and foremost, I have no desire to work on my cardio... I know, "The Walking Dead" is amazing, and Zombie Land is fantastic, but if you think the actual dead coming back to life to feast on human flesh sounds like fun, you're an idiot...and I hope you get eaten first.

Why do I continue to buy beauty products that promise to do the impossible?  No clump mascara, anti-wrinkle creams, maximum hold hairspray...  I know you're all a bunch of fucking liars, but I just can't help myself.  There really should be an Ulta's Anonymous ...

Why when you are feeling kind of down, do you decided to play the "Let's see how depressed I can get without killing myself game," by watching every tear-inducing movie you can think of or listening to the saddest songs you can find on repeat? I also like to play the, " How many pints of ice-cream will it take for me to feel better" game, although the only ones who wins that game are Ben and Jerry.

Decaf coffee and non-alcoholic beer/wine.  I will never understand this.

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