Sunday, November 11, 2012

Pants on fire...

I like to think of myself as a pretty decent human being.  I don't steal, or cheat, or break the law too often. Realistically, you can't expect me to walk all the way to the corner to cross the street.  I'd rather take my chances playing Frogger with reckless Chicago cab drivers before I walk an extra block in six inch heels.

Besides occasionally failing to abide by a few rules, my moral compass points due north.  I generally go out of my way to help people in need, and I try to do the right thing as much as possible.  I'm not saying I am a saint by any means, but I do try to be an honest person.  I'm not implying I never lie either, however when I do it's never regarding anything important.  I told a fib last night actually... "I'm not thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat drunk."

If you claim to be completely truthful all of the time, go get your driver's licence.  If you are a man, you are not that tall.  You may claim to be 5'11", but we all know you are 5'9" and decided to "round up."  Ladies, you can go ahead and add at least 10 pounds to whatever weight you claimed to be at the time it was issued.  Let's be honest, you haven't seen those numbers (at least in that order) since, but I don't see any of you rushing to the DMV to tell the world you have let yourself go.  I for one, haven't been the weight on mine since I had the stomach flu in 2005.

Think back to any job you have ever had where you called in "sick," but really meant, "hungover."  Technically you weren't feeling well.  True, you probably did have a headache, and I'm sure your throat actually did hurt (from all the vomiting) however, we both know telling your boss you took 16 tequila shots last night won't get you a big promotion so you stretch the truth bit.  No harm, no foul.

Have you ever had a personal trainer or a nutritionist? If so you probably had to keep a food diary, and you for sure, are a liar.  Telling your trainer you had a momentary lapse in judgement today at brunch is one thing,  putting in writing that you ate an entire bag of Cheetos dipped in Nutella at 2 AM is another. You don't want him thinking you are fat and pregnant, especially because you are already getting judged for your alcohol consumption...

If you are a man, then you have absolutely told a lie to every woman in your life, hence why you are alive and able to read this.  You wouldn't tell your mother her cooking was sub par or your girlfriend that she did in fact look fat in that dress. You have even pretended to like all of her friends including (but not limited to) the obnoxious drunk one who always ends the night in tears and/or vomit,  the one who sleeps with all your friends then constantly asks why none of them want to date her, and the one so insane you wonder how she is legally allowed to live alone.

We all tell white lies to keep society running smoothly.  Don't feel bad.  It's perfectly acceptable so the next time your friend asks you if you like her new haircut, you don't have to tell her it looks like a drunk Gary Busey got scissor happy.  Honesty is not always the best policy.

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