Thursday, November 8, 2012

Stephanie for president.

A lot of people have been asking me if I was going to blog about the election and/or its results, and to be honest, I had not planned it.  Politics are a serious/touchy topic, and you should all know by now, I prefer to talk about shit that has no real affect on anyone's life whatsoever. However, things were getting ugly in the Facebook world so I figured why not address the issue on everyone's mind in my own way?

I am not going to talk about who I voted for or why the one I didn't is an ass.  Instead, I want to take a minute to talk about a general idea...winning an election is really about one thing: making promises to do things people want done.  It's a simple concept really.  Whether or not you actually do those things is irrelevant (unless you want to be re-elected), but overall, it's the promise of doing that brings hope... and votes.  I mean seriously, if you don't plan to campaign again, why not just take it to the next level?  On that should all vote for me in the next election.  Here are a few things I can "promise" if I win...

If I am elected president, I will get everyone a puppy.  That's right.  I'll be like Oprah up in here..."You get a puppy.  You get a puppy.  EVVVVVVVERYBODY gets a puppy!"  Not a dog lover?  "Who wants a kitten?!  You get a kitten!  You get a kitten!  EVERYBODY gets a kitten!"  If you don't like either, you are shit out of luck because I am not giving away free turtles too.

If elected I can guarantee the better something tastes, the fewer calories it will have and the better it will be for you.  Scientists at The White House (yes, we have those in the Lincoln bedroom now) have discovered a loophole in the system so from now on personal trainers will encourage you to eat nothing but pizza and french fries, cupcakes filled with cookie dough will be the latest health food craze, while lettuce will give you a fat ass.  Cheeseburgers will become an essential to any weight loss plan, and we will blame shit like beets for America's obesity epidemic.  Those damn beets.

I just solved all our weight issues, so I have decided to replace most staircases with slides and/or fireman poles. Elevators are boring, and people are always getting stuck in them anyway.  We are all thinner and healthier so it's time to have a little fun. On a side note, I will also require any place that is boring as shit, to have arcade games and/or ball pit rooms. Now you don't have to dread going to the DMV because you can hunt ducks or throw barrels at monkeys while you wait. A better America, one pinball machine at a time...

So the next time you are puppy/kitten-less, eating a crappy salad when you really want a hot dog, or stuck taking the stairs like a chump, remember this blog.

Stephanie for president 2016

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