Saturday, January 26, 2013

Dear boobs.

Dear boobs,

Five different people this week asked if I, uh, had some work done or if I was with child since you have become borderline ridiculous looking. Your recent increase in size is nothing like I anticipated when I was a flat chested preteen praying for your arrival. Thanks again for deciding to literally pop up over night which was not suspicious at all. I would also like to thank my mom for naming me "Stephanie," which of course sounds nothing like "Stuffanie."

Children sure are swell.

Anyways, Fun bags, you were awesome.  You were large enough to fill out clothing properly but not so big that people questioned your authenticity. You were perfect so why did you decide to change? Lately, you have become practical joke big, and I am not amused. I thought you were supposed to stop growing as I got older and leave that up to my ass.

(Ass, I'm kidding.  Don't get any ideas...)

Listen up ladies, recently all you have been doing is preventing me from sleeping on my stomach comfortably, jumping on trampolines, and fitting into anything besides a garbage bag.  I feel like I should just go ahead and bleach the shit out of my hair and buy some lucite heels since you seem to think I am working in the wrong industry. I guess the only question is do look more like a "Destiny" or "Chastity" to you?

I've tried everything to get you to lose some weight, but you don't want to oblige. Since it's apparent you don't seem to be going anywhere, I'm going to lay down a few ground rules.  Unless you return to your natural state, I think it's fair that from now on I never have to wait in line at a bar/club, will never receive another speeding ticket, nor should I have to buy any drinks ever again. I would also like to have some random guy ask me to blow on his dice for good luck in Vegas. I've seen that happen to a bunch of your friends, and well, it looks like fun. Also, I don't think a free cup of coffee or a taco or two every now and then is too much to ask.

Small price to pay for the back aches and never being able to find the super cute bras in my size. You are coming out ahead here girls, then again, you always come out way ahead.

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