Saturday, January 19, 2013

My Empire of Dirt.

I grew up across the street from the elementary school I attended.  There were several playgrounds, and I spent a fair amount of my childhood there. Most of my time at the park was spent digging up Indian Clay and saving it in buckets in my backyard.  I, for some reason, thought I could sell it back to the Indians and make a hefty profit.  I figured they were too busy making moccasins and awesome turquoise jewelry to dig it up themselves so they would gladly pay me to have it back. I never said I was the brightest child, but at least I had a creative business plan.

This recent reminder of my childhood get rich quick scheme got me thinking...Can you imagine if it had worked?  I had discovered something more coveted than diamonds, and my empire became the Tiffany's of Indian Clay. My life would have definitely gone a bit differently...

Now keep in mind, I just got rich off digging up dirt located for free basically everywhere, so let's continue pretending anything is possible. If I say the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are real, they are real dammit.  It's my fantasy.

So on that note, here's just a few things I would do with my massive fortune...

  • pay scientists to stop researching medications for bullshit things like "Restless Leg Syndrome" and focus on cures for more important issues... like hangovers. 
  • (I also thought about having them figure out how to get my cat to talk, but then I remembered all the things he has seen and  realized it's best for both of us that he remains silent, locked in my apartment.)
  • buy all the Tequila in Mexico and a time machine, so thousands of girls on spring break could have their dignity and/or virginites back.  
  • also go back in time, move to Canada, and have sex with Justin Bieber's father just to insure that if some other 5 year old discovered the source of my wealth, I would still be covered financially.
  • hire the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as body guards since I would need help protecting my immense fortune, and secret service men are sooooo boring.  Plus, this way there would be an abundance of pizza around at any given time.
  • pay all my favorite bands to collaborate a soundtrack to my life. Songs would include...

                                                  "Well that was fun...let's never do that again."

"Fuck you scale, why do you lie?"

"Dear liver, I'm sorry. (Baby please don't go)"

"The higher the heels, the closer to God."

"If slathering everything in ranch dressing is wrong, I don't want to be right." 


"Damn it feels good to be a gangster."

  • pay Nicki Minaj to go away. Far, far away. I watched a clip from America Idol in which Nicki said no to a girl with a wonderful voice because they had on the same eye shadow.  That warrants a punch in the vagina right there. Plus, who do you think you are talking to Mariah Carey like that? She is a legend with the voice of an angel, and you can't blink or even rhyme properly. I hope you get bitched slapped by a drag queen. End rant.

and finally,
  • get a goose that lays Cadbury eggs.  Don't care how, I want it now.

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