Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Things that piss me off.

I recently made a joke on a Facebook photo, and the person got really offended and flat out attacked me.   I didn't know him personally or how he ended up in my Facebook friends to begin with. We had a ton of mutual friends so I probably just figured we had crossed paths at some point.

The guy had posted a picture of some rapper's new house. I wrote that I had no idea who the guy was.  Someone asked me how that was possible and another questioned if I lived under a rock. I was kind of offended since I consider myself one hip, hip, lady (is that what the cool kids say these days?). I simply replied with, "Cut me some slack, I don't listen to rap." A mutual friend had joked, "LOL you're so white, " to which I responded, "Suuuuuper white." I meant it in the sense like, "I have no idea who Tom Brady is...ugh I'm suuuuuch a girl."

I said I was joking and removed all the comments (and had my friend remove his) to try to calm captain sensitive down, but he was seeing red regardless.  Relax, dude.  It's winter in Chicago. I am suuuuper white, but don't you worry. Hopefully by mid summer I will be a nice shade of Mexican.

Regardless of how this douche cheated the system and snuck into my friends, he was promptly deleted and blocked but not before I told him to eat a bag of dicks. I sure do have a way with words.

Pissing that guy off got me thinking about all the things that piss me off so I thought it would be fun to share some of those things with all of you...

The way Cheetos stain your fingers. First you are enjoying your favorite snack, then you are the person with orange fingers at the party, and no one wants to talk to that creep.

Skinny girls who call themselves fat and fat girls who call themselves curvy. I'm not hating on a few extra pounds cause God knows I'm storing my extra winter insulation right now, but call it what it is...if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... it's not curvy, it's fat.

People who use the expression "real job".  Does it give you a real paycheck?  Well then, sounds real to me.

When people post the ending to my favorite shows on FB before I get a chance to watch them. Sorry, I missed their original air time. I was at my non-real job.

Kesha. Seriously, stop it. Let's be honest, going out gets expensive, and you can't afford to party that much.  We all know you spend most of your money on glitter, and what's left is split between the morning after pill and penicillin.

People lecturing me on my eating habits or telling me I drink too much. Yeah well, you talk too much.

When I'm super busy, everyone wants to hang out, but when I am at home all lonely, sitting on my ass, even my cat avoids me.

My skinny jeans. You are so tight right out of the dryer I have to do lamaze style breathing just to zip you up, but an hour later you are so loose and saggy I look like Lil Wayne. Unfortunately for me, if we were in Us Weekly I am sure he would have worn it better.

The fact that I don't look like a Victoria Secret model, can't sing like Adele, and I'm not Eva Mendes (or whoever Ryan Gosling is dating at the time you are reading this). It's fucking bullshit.

Sugar free desserts. How? Why? What? You sit on a throne of lies.

Celebrities who share their weight loss plans and claim to eat "a small handful of almonds" for their daily snack.  No one has ever been full off a small handful of anything. I could eat every almond in Chicago and still be hungry. You are a liar. A skinny, skinny, liar, and I hope you choke on said almonds.

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