Saturday, January 12, 2013

Suddenly Sterile.

Despite all my better judgement, I decided to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work today.  It's Saturday, and I try to avoid doing anything besides drinking and/or sleeping on my days off.  Within ten seconds of entering the store, I remembered why I avoid public places as such on the weekends...because it makes me want to never have children.

Besides the dozen children running freely throughout the aisles, there were several knocking things off shelves and crying, but there was one in particular which made my ovaries shrivel up and die.  I'm going to go ahead and name this child "Damien" for identification purposes.  I would go with Lucifer, but Damien seems a bit more subtle.

Little Damien seemed innocent enough at first.  He was an adorable blue eyed, blonde haired boy, around 5 years old.  He flashed me a big smile, and the little peanut stole my heart. Looking back, I now understand how women fall for good looking serial killers.  You obviously ignore all the red flags if someone has dimples...

I waited behind the nugget in line while his mother loaded the groceries onto the belt. He was quietly playing with some stuffed puppy in the back of the cart.  I breathed a sigh of relief to know that there was at least one well behaved child left in the universe.   Unfortunetly, I was so very wrong.

Damien looked up for a brief second, and the candy rack by the register caught his eye.  He grabbed a pack of gum, and asked his mother if he could have it.  She told him, "Not today dear," and he lost his shit.  Now when I say "he lost his shit," I don't mean copious amounts of tears, I mean that I half expected a demon to burst out of this kid's stomach.

He began with any typical child's conniption fit.  He cried, yelled, begged, and when nothing seemed to be working, he stood up in the cart and let out a string of profanities I'm not even sure I know all the meanings of. His mother didn't seem too phased by this, meanwhile I wanted to get home to wash my ears out with soap.

I was shocked by his behavior, but I suppose it's nothing too out of the ordinary.  Sure, children get mad and swear when they don't get their way, but this one seemed to have been watching too much Bob Saget stand up.  Despite his rant being extremely vulgar, everything still seemed somewhat normal up until the point Damien leaped out of the cart and onto the conveyor belt, kicking things off in every which direction.  I backed up a bit (for fear that my face was next) as his mother picked him up and placed him back in the cart.  She didn't say a word.

What happened next will haunt my dreams.  Damien picked up his stuff dog and ripped its fucking head off.    He threw the head at his mother and began to pull the stuffing out of its body, all the while growling and muttering what I assumed to be satanic hymns. I wanted to say something, but I feared I would follow in the poor dog's footsteps.

Again, mother of the year said nothing but picked up the pack of gum and handed it to the sales lady.  Damien sat back down as if nothing had happened, and they left as I stepped over a gruesome crime scene.

I am still a little shaken, and if today has taught me anything, it's to never have sex again. Ok that's a lie, but I will consider making my partner wear two condoms. If I do ever decide to have children, I will just have to tell myself the lie all future parents need to tell themselves in order to reproduce, "Mine will be different."

No comments:

Post a Comment