Thursday, October 18, 2012

Romantic comedies are ruining my life.

I generally like to think I have some good taste in movies.  I love Reservoir Dogs, The Usual Suspects, The Goonies, Shaun of the Dead…you know, the classics.  My favorite movie of all time is The Sandlot. If you don’t like that movie you probably don’t like puppies either, and you have no soul. You should go ahead and stop reading my blog now because we will never see eye to eye, and most likely I will want to fight you. 
As much as I hate to admit this, I love me some romantic comedies as well. Even romantic melodramas that make you cry until you ruin your make up are still top notch in my book.  I have the sense of humor of a fifteen year old boy and the mouth of a truck driver at times, but every now and then, the girl in me sneaks out to watch The Notebook.   Give me any movie where some sad, pathetic girl gets the guy clearly out of her league or one where two people who refuse to admit they love each other suddenly discover it after an hour and a half of witty banter.  You can throw any guy that is/looks like Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds in the mix, and in my eyes, you have some pure cinematic gold.  As much as I love these types of films, they are ruining my life.  They are ruining all our lives, and here’s why…
No men look like either Ryan or Channing Tatum in real life.  There is a reason they are famous.  On top of those faces, they have the bodies of Greek Gods, who mind you, are in fact Gods.  I’m sure your buddy Tommy was great in his high school rendition of Fiddler on the Roof, but he won’t be getting discovered any time soon.  Does anyone really think Matthew Mcconaughey is a magnificent actor?  He sure is fun to look at though. Unfortunately for us ladies (and gay men), there aren’t slews of these fine specimens crowding our local Starbucks, and you men can’t honestly tell me you see rows of Mila Kunis or Natalie Portmans waiting for the bus either.  People who look like this must be admired from afar so the rest of us don’t hang ourselves because we don’t and never will.
Another reason why romance films will be the end of us all is no one that attractive is building any of us a house with their bare hands, especially not while we are off having sex with another ridiculously good looking person.  So far, no one has harbored a 4 year long crush on me since we both shared the same breakfast pastry on the first day of school, and much to my dismay, Ashton Kutcher is not singing Bon Jovi’s “I’ll be there for you,” to me in my courtyard.
Take a minute to think about this concept as well…in nearly every one of these movies, the female lead spends copious amounts of time looking for “the one” when he is always right under her nose since the beginning…most of the time he is even helping her try to land the man of her dreams, but she will not realize he is that man until the last ten minutes of the movie.  Does that mean, in order to get my happy ending, I will have to wait until the last scene of my movie otherwise known as my life?  I am going to waste all this time dating the wrong guys when the right one is possibly my childhood best friend.  Maybe it’s a former bad boy I helped reform or could it be that guy who lives across the hall?  Who is he!?  Are you him?  Do you know him?  Is that guy at that Thai place who gives me extra fortune cookies him?  Shit.  
All these movies are doing is setting up women with unrealistic expectations about what men are actually capable of doing.  Sorry ladies, but most of them are not creative enough to organize a flash mob in Grand Central Station.  However, does that mean I am going to stop watching them? Not a chance.   I’m going to continue to watch them for the same reason I continue to eat chocolate even though it will make me fat…because even if I know it’s bad for me, how could I deprive myself of something so temporarily delightful.

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