Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Brace yourself.

If you live in a four season climate like I do, every winter brings several obstacles to overcome.   Right about now we will all begin to bitch about how cold it is, yet what we know as actual cold has not even hit yet.  It's forty something degrees, and we are acting like we have no idea it is going to be negative ten next month.  Did you forget the weather so cold you want to cry, but your tears will freeze to your face so it's not even worth it? It's kind of like a hangover...when it's over you look back and think, "It wasn't that bad," but the minute it happens again you bitch and moan, "I can't live like this!  I'm dying!" You always know it is coming, yet you do nothing to prepare.

First, there is the redundant question of, "What happened to all my warm clothes from last year?  How is my closet only filled with only flip flops and tank tops?"  Suddenly it goes from 70 degrees to 40, and you are left wondering if paying rent is more important than getting a new pair of boots. The answer is always, depends how cute the boots are, of course.

My personal favorite winter battle is the one I am currently losing with my heat.  I keep telling myself it may warm up one more time so there is no need to turn it on just yet. Then my cat walks by with icicles in his fur, and I mutter, "Put on a sweater and some socks and quit being a pussy."  No pun intended.

Soon the "claiming of the parking spots" will begin.  Everyone knows if you dig out your parking spot, it is perfectly acceptable to put anything you can find in its place to save it.  I have seen walkers, brooms on cinder blocks, and even vacuums holding spots. If you're anything like me, you will forget to call "dibs," and soon your entire street will be reserved.  However, you wouldn't dream of moving someone else's chair for fear that you will get murdered...and you will in fact get murdered.  Why do you think Chicago's murder rate is at an all time high?  Oh, you thought it was the gang violence?  That's so cute...

Finally, here comes the "winter weight."  You aren't going out as much but ordering in more, and no one is going to be able to see you under 9 layers of clothing anyway so why not add some extra insulation.  Bears do it right?

Before you lose sight of your feet, don't worry you have until New Year's to pretend to care about how fat you are, which will last about a week or two. You will then give up again, and panic right before it starts to warm up.  At lease you can pretend it was all just a bad dream until next October...

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